"Circling."

Date: 2022.04.01

Location: Kaohsiung City

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"What is the meaning of living?"

It was probably because he had been repeatedly asking his own question recently, but every time he was exchanged for nothing but silence.

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The feeling of job burnout is increasing day by day, and work is taking up the most time of the day, and I can't find the enthusiasm for work. Sometimes I don't know what the meaning of life is at this moment. Day after day, it seems that I slowly listen to songs that are not very happy, and I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. Sometimes I even start to wonder if the things that were once happy are actually not really happy.

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Intuitively, I wanted to blame my work for all my unhappiness, but I chose to suspend my original dream plan, and I decided to work first. At this moment of blaming work, I remembered that when I was implementing my dream plan last year, I was often unhappy because of the crunch at hand, and because of long-term unhappiness, I chose to work first. A sense of shirk responsibility.

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It seems that I understand something, but the unhappiness itself still exists, I really want to find some reason to convince myself, as if this will make my heart feel better. I just have the desire to convince myself, perhaps to a certain extent, it symbolizes that I don't want to be unhappy.

"Unhappy" itself should have other nouns, but if you say "no" first, your heart seems to have denied this state first, as if such a state is not worth living.

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I remembered that I did a few online seminars last year, and discussed a lot of topics related to emotions. I still remember the most emotional ones. Most people talked about topics that are defined as negative emotions by most people. There are "anxiety", some "Sad" and "Melancholy". At the moment of the talk, he said that he liked these states, but the various resistances that appeared in the experience at the moment seemed to be slapping himself last year.

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People often say that "the moon is cloudy and sunny and round and round", but what we really want to take the time to see are always "clear" and "round", even if we know in our hearts that integrity itself is not only "clear" and "round". In fact, it is understandable that everything that I have experienced now is just a process, but in reality, I realize that it is not so easy.

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I haven't waited until it's sunny, and I don't know when it will be round, and I don't know how long I can stay in the days of cloudiness and lack. A contented person may say that it is already sunny and round at the moment, but I didn't see it. If this is the case, I suddenly feel as if I want to be a greedy person. After all, the weather is full of darkness, and after all, it is the moon that circles the earth month after month, but compared to the circle, I still look forward to which direction I can go. Get closer.

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Having said that, maybe in the end you may still be in a circle, just not living long enough to misunderstand that you are moving forward.