Ten years later, why did I resign from my university teaching job in Shanghai?

Some events in life are worth recording.

After graduating from my Ph.D., I came to a university in Shanghai. I worked for more than ten years. I finally finished the resignation procedures in early January and waved goodbye to this important stage in my life. I believe that the more I know my friends, the more confused they will be. They will think in their hearts that you are far from achieving financial freedom. How do you have the confidence and courage to quit this job that most people seem to be quite good? Woolen cloth?

Indeed, my financial situation is really average. I graduated with a Ph.D. in my thirties, came to college, paid a dead salary, and had no sense of investment. Whenever I met someone who talked about the real estate market, I felt bored. I bought my first investment when I was 40. suite. It stands to reason that a rational person would never be so hasty. However, I still took this step, and made a decision after years of thinking, and finally submitted my resignation inspired by several accidental events, all in one go.

The following is to share the reasons with friends who care about it. It can be regarded as a report and a summary of myself. Generally speaking, it is determined by the objective climate and personal values. I’m going to go through some of my thoughts first. Readers who are not interested in this part of personal experience, short-term love and long-term worries can directly skip the confession of personal state of mind in this section, and read some observations and narratives of the institutional environment behind my resignation. Including my experience and observations from some personal perspectives such as the control of public opinion and the administrative system in colleges and universities.

Personality dictates

I remember about five years ago, a junior who graduated from Peking University came to our college to find a job. He asked me about the situation of the school and asked for the dean’s contact information. I know, I haven’t cared about it. I can clearly recall his astonishment on the other end of the phone. Obviously, my answer made him stunned. If you care about job titles, what do you care about?

This incident made me realize that values are indeed different from person to person.

I dare not say that I can avoid vulgarity, but it may belong to the kind that is more willing to pursue some imaginary things, such as money and professional titles, which are relatively not too strong. , After I got to know me well, I also persuaded him more than once, teacher, please write an article and apply for the project. When others listened, it seemed that he was my graduate tutor.

I also understand in my heart that the reason why he said this is 80% because graduate students will also compare their tutors. Famous tutors feel that their vanity is partially satisfied. This is the reason why I have been reluctant to bring graduate students. I have no resources to introduce jobs. Opportunity, I also want to enjoy more leisure, why bother?

In fact, how can I be so lofty, if I can choose some topics that I am interested in independently, then why not do it. However, life is so long, where you are willing to spend your time directly expresses your values. The graduate student I mentioned just now worked as a judge in a certain local court after graduation. I was a witness when I got married. I had my own child last year. A few years ago, he contacted me suddenly and asked if there was a way to get a special quality. Milk powder, it turns out that his child is quite poor, suffering from a rare maple syrup urine disease. I didn't help much, but I was still feeling sorry for myself, feeling that life is impermanent, and wanting to ask what is the most important thing to pursue in a limited life.

In what Schopenhauer called our "world as appearance", human beings tend to base their happiness on fragile foundations, such as power, wealth, and reputation. . Take the law school where I work as an example. The former dean is a woman with a capable style and is widely recognized academically. She has won many national-level projects. She is obviously a competitive personality. The dean was actually involved in a conflict with a vice dean in the office building. From quarrels to physical collisions, the scene was very ugly. There was no way to ask for advice in the school, and he was even dismissed inexplicably. I couldn't swallow this breath. There are only two years left to retire, and I have to transfer to another university in Shanghai. The other side of the conflict is also a female professor, who is not inferior in ability and energy. She was also unwilling at the time, sending mass emails, sternly complaining, intensive reporting, and fierce firepower.

In my opinion, they are all pretty good people. They have been professors for many years, and they have lost both sides. It seems that they can't figure out what is worth making the scene so ugly, which is really embarrassing. However, comparing this matter with the two incidents that happened in the following colleges in recent years, it is really not a big deal.

A colleague, a doctor of criminal law, is about the same age as me, and was admitted to the hospital two years earlier than me. During the Spring Festival travel in Japan in 2019, he suffered a heart attack. After rescue, he survived, but he has been in a coma. Lying unconscious on the hospital bed; a year earlier, another colleague, a German returnee with a doctorate in civil law, born in the 1980s, newlyweds, was traveling in Hainan during the winter vacation of 2018, and drowned.

In the past ten years of working in the college, whenever such incidents occur, I will recall some of my experiences.

In 2004, after graduating from my master’s degree, I taught in a university. I was in my twenties, but I still wanted to make a fuss because I admired a famous scholar. It doesn't matter there, it's too difficult. Later, a sudden incident made me make up my mind that I must do what I want to do. If I do it and fail, then I have tried it, and I have this experience in my life.

This happened in 2006. My best friend, who was also my undergraduate classmate, died in a car accident in Guangdong just a few days after he and his girlfriend got their marriage certificate. This incident touched me It was quite big, when I received a phone call from my classmate’s sister, it was during the break between classes. I was shocked but still emotionally stable. After class, less than five minutes later, I burst into tears and burst into tears, scaring the whole class. Well, it is estimated that when the students saw the teacher on the podium collapsed emotionally, he seemed to be in a state of extreme restraint, and his distorted and terrifying expression would be unforgettable for the rest of his life.

He just graduated from Sun Yat-Sen University, and his wife is also a graduate student of Sun Yat-sen University, majoring in foreign languages. His wife went to work in a university in Guangzhou. It was originally planned that she would take care of the family, but when he joined the company, he was responsible for making money. However, shortly after joining the company, he stayed up late at night talking with clients. , The return trip collided with an earth truck and suffered an accident. There is nothing more exciting than participating in the farewell ceremony of a classmate’s body. For a moment, you can’t accept that the wooden box is the classmate who was once handsome and sunny. During the holidays a few years ago, we had a party in our hometown until late at night, and the two of us were still crowded together. On the bed, coughing can still feel the vibration of the other party's chest.

The correct way to deal with the many miseries that happen to human beings is not to comfort yourself, but, as Seneca said, like all the misfortunes you fear will surely happen to you, so that you can truly relieved. The world is like the wind, what fate bestows on you, you will lose in the end, the empire will be overthrown, and in an instant, let alone people's whim, thinking about it, what else can you not let go of?

After I came back from Guangdong, I went all out. At that time, the leader of my unit wanted to promote me to help him work in his administrative office, but I insisted on teaching full-time to spare time for studying and preparing for the doctoral exam. I offended the leader. , wearing small shoes for half a year, and even alarmed the secretary of the school party committee to ask the discipline inspection committee to form an investigation team at the party committee to investigate my passive sabotage. It's quite magical. Especially for me, a non-Party member, the treatment I enjoy is really not low. Fortunately, I have not been "double-regulated", thank God. I don't care, although I lost a lot of weight after being tortured at the time, who cares, just do what I have to do.

Sixteen years have passed since this incident, and I never thought that in Shanghai, I would once again have to risk myself.

Experienced university system

I submitted my resignation report in November last year and wrote a few thousand words. I wanted to explain the reasons for it to my old colleagues and confess my thoughts on the law school. After all, I have a certain relationship with this law school. It's okay, let's talk the truth before leaving. However, in the system of Chinese universities, emotions are all administrative seasoning, and it doesn't matter whether the administrative machine is running with seasoning or not.

In the end, the resignation report, which started the resignation process, was required to be compressed from a few thousand words to 21 words, "For personal reasons, I submit an application for resignation, terminate the labor contract, and ask the leader for approval." There is another detail. In my original resignation report, I requested to go through the formalities next spring. I made the report in advance for the smooth handover of the work of the college. However, since I expressed my separation, the new secretary has shown an efficient and motivated work attitude. Completed my separation procedures before the end of the semester.

For me, the greatest joy of giving lectures in college lies in communicating with my classmates and enjoying the feeling of expressing my thoughts on the podium. However, in recent years, this feeling has become less and less. It brings me less and less pleasure.

so-called academic freedom

The news of my resignation spread, and the teacher in charge of the postgraduate academic affairs in the school couldn't believe it, so he called to ask, and I confirmed the news. The teacher was straightforward and humorous, quite frankly, he stopped for a while and said that it was okay, but it was hard for you. In the past two years, he has sued you more and more.

This is strange to say, I have brought so many postgraduate and undergraduate theses, and in the past three or four years, many postgraduates and undergraduates, and even college colleagues, have appeared in the past three or four years. The practical principles and purposes of the college’s thesis topic selection are inconsistent, and there are even reports that political issues have brought trouble to the college. It’s fine once or twice. I don't want to implicate innocent students anymore, so I won't be the tutor of graduate students and tutor of undergraduates after I leave my job.

Directed an undergraduate thesis titled "Looking at Kong Feili's Views on the Legal System of the Chinese Empire from "Calling the Soul"". It was reported that there were political and ideological problems. I wondered why China under Emperor Qianlong could not be called an empire? I was asked again, what kind of soul is "calling the soul"? I lost my temper at the time, and hung up the phone immediately after answering the call from the academic administration and saying "never change the topic". What, as long as there is no trouble in Taiping, it is fine if no one complains. Afterwards, the college sent a professor of economic law to investigate. In the end, the topic had to be revised, but I said I would not change it, and asked them to change it, as long as it does not make it difficult for students to graduate.

I once instructed graduate students to write a topic about the Constitution of the Republic of China. My students gave me feedback on the opening and defense of the topic, saying that some teachers thought that this topic might take risks. I said don't be afraid, there is nothing to say about normal and standardized academic research, but she was frightened enough. In the end, she strictly self-censored and changed the topic again.

Because my field mostly involves foreign public law, I often ask graduate students to write a graduation thesis on foreign constitutional case studies. During the defense, one or two defense teachers will definitely bombard me, "There are so many Chinese cases, why study American cases?", "What is the practical significance of this to Chinese law?" These questions have repeatedly frightened the students, fearing that they will not be able to graduate, so I can only be caught in the middle, comforting the students, and complaining to the college. .

Later, the college specially issued an explanatory document in the college, and there was a special one for me, explaining that there is no need for the so-called "practicability" of jurisprudence and legal history researchers in the Master of Laws major. However, this document is placed in the email address of colleagues. In the past few years, the defense teams have caused troubles to my students, so I have to make some adjustments in the past two years, focusing on economic and trade topics.

As a teacher, the last thing I want to happen is that some students cannot graduate on schedule because of their tutors. In the process of teaching and guiding students, I will not instill any kind of values in the students. Even so, however, the general environment is increasingly unbearable. It's almost to the point of taking the blame at every turn, and facing the edge of the abyss.

pedagogical scalers

The second reason is the factors of the teaching environment. China’s internal affairs have been obvious to all in the past few years. The ideological and political aspects of colleges and universities have been conquering the city in all aspects. Now I am in class, I wish that thousands of people will be the same, and thousands of lessons will be taught. It is different from my teaching style and content , always at odds with each other, it is also difficult to insist on not being flattering, not only is the joy of teaching less and less fulfilling, but the psychological pressure is increasing day by day, knowing that the political quality is not strong enough, and it is not as good as letting the talents.

I have always believed that the greatest joy of working in colleges and universities comes from the students, who are smart and insightful, open-minded, tolerant and accept new things. What's more, the university teachers are so lucky. They only read a few more books, have a little personality, and seem to have some thoughts, so it is easy to attract some students. I have always been very grateful for this and cherish the friendship of these students. Of course, there are also some fans who want to impress the teacher by "magnetism". The young people nowadays are very smart, but you can tell from the questions they ask and the eyes they listen to in class.

However, there are still a few times when students feel dissatisfied with the content of your lectures. Once I was very impressed. When I was talking about a topic in class, it was about China’s traditional lack of emphasis on freedom. A female student who was usually very good suddenly stood up and was filled with righteous indignation. It is irresponsible to bring personal likes and dislikes into the classroom. I would like to mention a few names and the titles of legal publications in my country at present, Xiao Gongquan's "Chinese Political Thought History", Qian Mu's "Chinese Cultural History", Zhang Junmai's "Ten Lectures on Chinese, Indian and European Culture", etc. Please refer to them after class, and repeatedly emphasize class references It does not represent the teacher's point of view, it is only for contention and broadening of ideas, please think carefully and judge.

There are also such situations in teaching graduate students. It may not be accurate to talk about the nature of Chinese classical society as a feudal society. Talking about Marx’s theory of social development stages is just a family opinion, or it was tampered with by Soviet Russian scholars and introduced to my country. I was also asked by the graduate student to produce evidence during the course of the graduate student, which also made me dumbfounded.

These things seem to be happening more and more often in recent years. However, compared to dissident leaders who have degenerated into Sichuan fans in recent years, this kind of students are much more likable. At least their emotions are sincere and simple. They love Chinese culture and patriotic feelings, which are also precious and lovely. Most of the people who debate with you publicly are students who listen carefully and like to speculate. Some students are still in my WeChat friends and are still friends.

Most of the students who listen carefully to the class have a strong desire for knowledge, a strong sense of justice, and are very tolerant. It is as serious as the trend of whistleblowing in Chinese universities circulating on the Internet.

As you all know, in recent years, ideological control in colleges and universities has become more in-depth. Every course outline and teaching plan must be re-revised, and more than three ideological and political knowledge points must be added, which is disgusting. "In the past few years, individual teachers applied for projects to get funding, and developed to 100% coverage. Every teacher has to connect his class with ideology and politics.

Last year, during a class break, an academic supervisor suddenly came in from the back door and sat down to inspect the class. After class, he walked to the podium and talked with me. He asked me why I didn’t hear the ideological and political content. The students in the first few rows of my class responded immediately, helping me fool me, knowing each other, and smiling at each other.

"Engineer" or "wage earner"?

Let me talk about the third point. Under the current system and social environment, what kind of students make you feel frustrated, so that you think it will weaken the attractiveness of the job of university teacher? Answer: There are indeed two kinds of students that have this effect.

Every year in the master's defense, you have to endure some rubbish papers. Some students are not in awe of academics. The attitude of graduating casually can be seen everywhere. This is also the influence of the social atmosphere of eager for quick success.

Once, a classmate quoted pages 359 and 358 of a famous edition of the classic bibliography many times in his thesis. I happened to reread this book just now. Page. Another time, there was a footnote of an answering essay directly citing a foreign language document (not quoting). I asked the respondent to explain what it meant, but he hesitated, of course, because this is a German work that everyone is not familiar with. Another time, the whole article was completely similar to the structure logic and quite a lot of content of a scholar's paper, but the references were not listed. I asked her if she had read the article, as if she was surprised and hesitated after being exposed, and then admitted that she did. After reading it, I pointed out that it is academic misconduct to deliberately not list the documents that are mainly relied on. A young deputy dean immediately said confidently that it is a skill to bypass the plagiarism check by modifying it.

There are too many such things, so here are just three examples. If you record them one by one, you can find 300 examples in the past ten years. As mentioned earlier, the opening and defense of university thesis is too strict on the "political correctness" of topic selection. However, in terms of students' academic attitudes, it also shows a particularly lenient and casual side.

This type of student is frustrating, the frustration that your knowledge is worthless, and the following type of students, although their numbers are extremely small, can still make you feel that the dignity of a university teacher is worthless.

In the past ten years, I have taught more than 2,000 to 3,000 students who are undergraduates and postgraduates in their majors. , because he emphasized attendance to the teacher, he made rude remarks in get out of class, thought he was a hero, and spread rumors on Weibo after class.

The other time was three years later in the general elective course of the whole school. A boy kept talking in my class. He ignored repeated warnings and asked him to go out. In the classroom of more than a hundred students, he yelled a lot of swear words and left angrily. Afterwards, he realized that he was not a formal elective student at all, but just accompanied his girlfriend to class. Excuse me, I lost face, and I need to be more heroic in order to make up for it. I asked the school to investigate, and he wrote me a letter of apology, saying that he had two dreams, one was to be a captain, and the other was to marry the girlfriend from the same township, and he asked the teacher to hold his hand high so that his dream would not be broken.

Neither of these two students was punished by the school, not even a warning. I am not frustrated because they have not been punished, but I feel that the university teachers may be glamorous on the surface, but in reality they are humble in the university system. Even a trespassing The students in your classroom pointed their noses and scolded you SB loudly in public. This kind of incident did not alert the staff of the student office to call back or ask questions, nor did the counselor of the department where this reckless student belongs to make an appointment. comfort or investigate.

University teachers, to a large extent, you are a part-time worker for the school. "In the classroom, the lectures taught by the teacher are commodities, and the students are customers, and they are God." Attend what the teachers said.

This concept was later confirmed more clearly in the second major of our hospital. Students from other schools choose the second major of our school, pay tuition fees, and take classes during holidays. The teacher’s class fees are higher, 300 yuan per class, and they can get a double degree in law when they graduate with enough credits. I treat them with the same attitude as the students of this college, and I will give up when I have to. After two years of study, the vice president of the college with a background of Japanese returnees called me and said that the number of applicants was a bit too much, which would affect the enrollment of the second college and the income of the college. I said this is my principle. There are only 32 classes in total. Some students skipped 20 classes and it doesn’t make sense. It’s not fair to other students who study hard. After that, I never took any second-year courses. It’s good to relax and enjoy a complete vacation. The director of the teaching and research section invited me to take classes many times, but I rejected them all, saying that I had greeted the deputy dean. Besides, someone must be willing to pay for the class fee.

This insistence is because imparting knowledge is not providing services. This is a principle and involves dignity.

so-called dignified university teachers

Following this topic, let's talk about the dignity of ordinary university teachers compared to university administrative leaders, and also involves comparison with other industries. This is my fourth point in this part.

It’s still the young post-80s deputy dean mentioned earlier who believes that “as long as you don’t catch academic misconduct, you can do it.” ". One thing that left a deep impression on me was that he was in the same postgraduate entrance interview group as him. At that time, there was a girl who participated in the postgraduate entrance interview. She performed very well on the scene, coped with it freely, was generous, and could answer questions. The deputy dean's colleague was very disgusted, and the reason was very obvious, just because the girl was 29 years old, older, a self-examination student of Zhengzhou University, married, and settled in Shanghai. The girls were honest, asked questions and answered them. They did not conceal their personal information, but it caused very unfavorable consequences. The deputy dean immediately spoke out about his discrimination and distrust, saying, "You will definitely not study with peace of mind when you enter school in the future. You won’t be able to come to class by taking the subway from the urban area, will you have a baby during your graduate studies?” The girl explained to him, explaining her desire for knowledge, but he was furious, interrupted her, pointed at her and yelled at her immediately leave.

I said good things to this girl at the time, and he yelled at me on the spot, "Whoever wants this kind of student wants it, anyway, I don't want it!" Although there is also a teacher in the defense team who is also a self-taught teacher who has worked hard to become a professor. This classmate, but no one picked up the conversation anymore.

This is the reality of the university where I work, and I think it is also the reality of other universities in China. As long as there is a department leader in the graduation defense team or admission interview team, his opinion alone is the final opinion of the whole team. The so-called majority principle, One vote to veto or something is just a decoration, only his (her) vote is useful, and the other teachers are here to set off the green leaves.

After this incident, I was very sad for a long time. I always recall the painful expression of her humiliating exit from the conference room on the first floor. I brought it with me!" It's a pity that I didn't say it at the time, after so many years, the girl is in her thirties, I don't know if she has realized her wish to study in graduate school.

I don't have any personal grievances with the vice president, just discussing the facts, but what is reflected here may be the reality of Chinese universities, and it is also a reflection of a certain reality in China. It must be admitted that college teachers are the most comfortable and free of all occupations in China, but the official position in colleges and universities is still ubiquitous.

Here's another interesting example. I love tennis. When I was abroad, I studied the usage rules of their tennis courts, which is the so-called "first come, first occupied. If someone is waiting, the venue must be given to the waiting person after one hour of use"; The university has three indoor lighted tennis courts. The school will open them regularly for teachers every week, which is regarded as a kind of employee welfare. If there are leaders and acquaintances who come to fight, you must give up to the leaders and acquaintances until you are satisfied." The principle of the former is equality and respect, while the latter is the law of the jungle without leadership. Leadership also embodies equality and respect. Leadership is more equal and more worthy of respect.

A few years ago, there was a vice-principal who was capable and fond of sports. When the tennis courts were open, as long as he wanted to come, someone with vision and ability would make arrangements in advance to reserve the best venues for playing. The teachers will consciously position themselves as sparring partners, arrange the candidates from high to low in skill level, and let the rookies stop getting in the way, so that the leaders can play to their heart's content, which is the core task of the tennis court that night.

It’s still a tennis court. Later, the new principal of our school has a Fudan background. He often walks to the court at night. As soon as he appears, the teachers are very conscious, stop the game and sit around the leader with smiles on their faces. Only I don’t understand During this ceremony, I hid on the farthest field and practiced serving alone. I also wondered in my heart, the leader just strolled around after dinner to digest food, watch the game, was coaxed like this, and let him go for a pleasant walk.

A counselor teacher who stayed at the college, born in the 1980s, played tennis together ten years ago. He was modest and polite, and respected the full-time teachers and colleagues. In doubles, when I didn't cooperate well, I yelled, "How the hell did you fight?"

Let’s briefly talk about the income of university teachers. After all, no one can deny that the amount of income is directly related to the dignity of this profession, and it also determines the inner evaluation of each university teacher.

The university in Shanghai where I am. When I joined the job ten years ago, after one year, I got it in my hands, and the average monthly cost was nearly 10,000. In recent years, it has been higher, with an average of about 20,000. Many of my graduate students serve as prosecutors and judges in various districts of Shanghai, and the administrative departments of various districts, such as the Quality Supervision Bureau and the New District Management Committee, etc., have dinner with them, and you can really feel that your income, in their eyes, is Poor food and clothing.

Therefore, in universities, those who are capable take part-time jobs with money from outside as their main business, leaving behind the establishment of colleges and universities, either to satisfy vanity, or simply as an auxiliary part-time job outside the school. There are so few teachers in the college who do very popular jobs outside and earn a lot of money. They hardly participate in various activities in the college, and they don't see each other several times a year. Many students also admire this kind of teacher. Some teachers are also happy to point to the BMW SUV parked by themselves at the door of the classroom during class, and proudly say which boss or bureau chief gave it to me.

Some people may say that as a teacher, the soul is noble and has nothing to do with matter. Well, there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s right, especially the car you drive, when compared to the cars you teach the students parked on campus, its value is just enough for the price of the Shanghai license plate on those cars, it will set off the Shanghai C even more. Is your soul more expensive in a license plate car?

As I write this, I suddenly remembered one thing. Around 2013, when the school meeting was held after the summer vacation, the old dean at that time said dissatisfiedly that the director of a certain teaching and research section called and said that she would not come in the future. I was quite surprised at the time. Before the end of last semester, she suddenly called me and asked me to help her with half a class, saying that she would go home early. Later, a colleague told me that her husband works as a pilot in Shanghai Port, and every ship entering the port has to beg for it. The money comes very quickly. It is estimated that many of them may be gray. If you run away, you can lose your house in Shanghai, so what is this job?

But what is this job? If this job is nothing, what is the dignity of the person doing it?

Inseparable teacher-student friendship

undergraduate

The day before yesterday I announced in Moments that I had resigned. Many friends were very puzzled. Two students I taught even said that they were in tears when they wrote to me privately. This also moved me very much. My nose was sour. There is a classmate studying in the UK who is both a teacher and a student as well as a golf friend. He often plays tennis together. He said that he read the news of my resignation and recalled the four years of friendship. I was moved and wept bitterly. From the bottom of my heart, I felt that the friendship of these classmates is really the priceless wealth in my life.

During that time, a lot of memories came to my mind. Once I was in the courtyard on the fourth floor, and I met a classmate whose name I couldn’t name handed in materials. She took the initiative to share with me the news that she was admitted to New York University, and told me about my class. It had the greatest impact on her; there were also many times when I received messages from classmates who had graduated for many years, saying how much my class had affected them. I am really grateful to meet these students, because most of the courses I have taught in the past ten years are the least practical metaphysical speculation. It is not easy to find students who are interested in my class.

A classmate who is not qualified to enroll in courses and can only sit in on the class. In April last year, she took an online car-hailing car and was identified as being in close contact with a nucleic acid-positive driver. She had to undergo a nucleic acid test and be quarantined. Speaking of "Utopia", that afternoon, the teachers and students discussed the Tao, elegant and gentle, without involving in common affairs, quite like the style of the Athens Academy gathering to discuss the truth. This experience is also a unique and wonderful experience in my life. In the turbulent era of profit and loss, I feel more and more that these students are cute. It is indeed a blessing to be a teacher to find inner peace in the hustle and bustle.

Thinking of what Mr. Qi Bangyuan said, teaching is never just a job, but a kind of transmission. The teacher shares what he reads, thinks, and thinks with the people who listen to me. Have deep meaning.

In the days before and after submitting my resignation letter in November, I suffered from insomnia for several consecutive nights, tossing and turning, and melancholy thoughts. For more than ten years, I was either sad or happy, or regretful or fortunate, and continued to impact the tranquility of the night. After getting the answer from the college and starting the procedure, I felt infinitely empty every day, and I got used to the life in the university. I spent three years as a master, taught in a certain university for three years, and studied for a Ph.D. in Beijing for four years. The law school of this university has taught for more than ten years, a total of more than twenty years. Once you want to completely withdraw, you will feel as if you have lost your soul. The feeling of infinite emptiness is really indescribable. It seems that the physical body has already set off for the next stop, but Hun'er is not ready yet, so he can't catch up quickly. And during this period, once a college called me about the formalities, every time it made me feel like a knife was slowly stabbing me, now I can't laugh or cry when I think about it.

I still remember that on the last day, the director of the hospital office called me and asked me to log on to the platform to do a fixed asset transfer procedure and hand over the computer in the office to the public, but found that my work platform login authority had been cancelled, and I complained, " It’s fast enough. I originally thought of the platform to look at my academic record and the list of all thesis topics under my guidance, so as to commemorate it.”

The teacher enthusiastically called the Information Office and temporarily granted me permission for one day. It was the last time in my life that I logged into the office platform of this university as a teacher, browsed my history of the past ten years, looked at all the courses I had taught, and opened the list of courses, many familiar names came into view. Miscellaneous, the mood is indescribable.

Suddenly, I saw a column of "teaching evaluation results" in the academic affairs records. In the past, the educational administration sent emails to check the teaching evaluation results of each semester, but I refused to check it. Maybe there is a fragile "glass heart" that dare not look at it. It’s the last day, and I definitely want to see it, so I clicked to enter. I never thought that in the five or six years since the system was recorded, my teaching evaluation records were all A+ or A. I really didn’t expect this.

Turning on the computer, another strange melancholy flooded in. These students are so cute, and they are too tolerant to the teacher. I have too many things that I did not do well, especially for those students who were failed by me. My classmates who enforced attendance, I suddenly felt guilty.

Master of Laws

Let’s talk about the postgraduate groups in colleges and universities. As mentioned earlier, there have been two frictions with a student in this decade, one of which was with a graduate student. I was unlucky. Ten years ago, the postgraduate class I met when I first entered the job was recognized as the class with the worst academic style. Since then, the school has been improving, and both my colleagues and I feel that the postgraduate academic style is getting better and better. In fact, I was also partly responsible for that time. I came to this university for the first time, and I taught at a police academy before my Ph. In the new environment, I didn’t keep up with the changes. I thought that I was a graduate student, and I should be more sensible and obedient, but I didn’t know it was not. It was a little bit worse, which made me unhappy. If you go back in time, you think that the rich experience you have now will definitely make both teachers and students happy without losing the principle. After all, getting along with students always brings too many happy times.

Over the past ten years or so, I have brought out nearly 30 postgraduate students. I have interacted with them more and gradually understood their thoughts. This group, it stands to reason that they have more freedom to be admitted to graduate school, and may get a more advanced degree, so they should be full of ambition. However, according to my observation, they are the most unhappy group of people in colleges and universities.

Once in the office, I spent two hours correcting word by word the first draft of a graduation thesis that a graduate student gave me for review, and pointed out that many of them were inappropriate in structure or details. She kept thanking her, He smiled all over his face, and said that he must read the literature carefully and revise it. But I could see something strange in her eyes, and I didn't want to see her forced to smile to save face and dare not tell the truth. I stopped suddenly, changed the subject, stared at her, and said slowly "I don't know what your mental state is now. I suggest that if you have any pressure, don't hold on, and you can speak directly from your heart." As soon as she finished speaking, she didn't expect that this sentence directly broke her psychological defense line. She actually collapsed at that time, tears kept pouring out, and she could no longer restrain the accumulated emotions in her heart in front of the teacher.

It turned out that she hadn't passed the judicial examination a while ago, she had no clue when looking for a job, she didn't know how to write a thesis, and she didn't have the legal English reading ability I required, and she didn't have time to prepare for the civil service examination. To break up, these are enough to make the graduate student feel unprecedented frustration.

I remember one time when the director of the security department of our school talked about the "ex-girlfriend case of killing ex-girlfriend with acid knife" that happened in the library of our school a few years ago, saying that among the emergencies in our school, the proportion of graduate students was obviously more than that of Undergraduate students, and expressly stated that the quality of graduate students in this school is not as good as that of undergraduate students. If you think about it carefully, these words may not take into account the social pressure faced by the postgraduate group. Because of their age, they face heavier employment pressure and competitive pressure than undergraduates. There is another point that must not be ignored. Entering a mature marriage period, this makes them more likely than undergraduates to experience tremendous social and family pressure, as well as inner emotional needs and troubles.

The class gap of the students’ native families also makes the gap in the happiness of the students very obvious. I have taught so many graduate students, and I can basically judge their family status from their mental outlook and self-confidence in conversation. Those families are rich, or Those with social connections will basically not cause them much trouble in terms of employment. In 2020, due to the epidemic, the postgraduate interviews were conducted online for the first time. The images are intuitive, and it can even give teachers a chance to glimpse their family conditions. Some houses are well-decorated, comfortable and bright, and some have no desks or bookshelves. It is almost like squatting on the bedside for an interview. What is even more strange is that some students in the village suddenly had a power outage during the interview. Students who live in big cities may have never experienced this.

The gap between the rich and the poor is unavoidable, the class gap is difficult to bridge, and their opportunities after graduation are quite unfair. Under the pressure of high-intensity competition in the current Chinese society, and in the social environment that is eager for quick success and instant benefits, most of these masters of law graduates are impetuous and helpless, and they are very unhappy. While the national power is growing rapidly, we should slow down appropriately, wait for those who may be left behind, and comfort and help some frustrated people. After all, people are not tools, but people are the goal.

It's already five, and you're still tossing?

What happened to Ben Wu? If I still have thirty or forty years to live, what I am more worried about now is whether the health of the earth can withstand these thirty or forty years. The environmental crisis faced by human beings is so serious now. People are not just messing around. As an individual, compared with the blind arrogance of human beings, I have reflected a surprisingly rational mind.

When answering a question from a friend who was a prosecutor in Shanghai, I casually said, if you don’t resign, you will earn about 3 million yuan when you retire, which is a lifetime; if you resign and lose the 3 million yuan, you will live two lifetimes.

To put it lightly, one month before I resigned, my heart was suffering. I kept asking myself countless times, "Are you special? How can there be a 100% satisfactory job in the world? Can't you persist? After all, the job of a college teacher is still It’s not bad, at least personally, I have no worries.” “Stupid! If you still have room tickets in Shanghai, why don’t you quickly buy another set and replace it with a double bathroom? If you lose the unit, you won’t be eligible to buy a limited-supply housing.” , I replied, "Yes, it's okay to persist, even if you persist for a few more years, and of course I can do it if others can. After all, a middle-aged person and a career change are quite unbearable." But then I thought to myself, "Can you really persist to the end? Can you continue to persist for more than 15 years until you retire in your sixties?"

Every time I think of this, my scalp tingles.

The setting in Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus fits best with the daily life of university teachers. The students are running in iron camps, and the teachers come and go every year. The situation is very similar. In 2009, when I retire, I may end up with thin memories and dull, regretting that I am content to follow this kind of formatted living state. Instead of this, I will take the risk of moving. Is the quadratic good?

Existentialists say that the existence of human beings seems meaningless, and sometimes it is even absurd. In this state, the only way to enjoy the freedom destined for human beings is to create the meaning of life through choices. Maybe life is too routine, and I'm a little tired. If this continues, I feel that I can't find the meaning of life. I have to try to make some changes in life, take a walk outside, let the light shine in, and brighten the negative and gloomy psychology.

Where will you go after resigning?

A lot of friends, colleagues and classmates asked me where I will go to high school in the future. To be honest, there is really no "higher" way out as my friends imagined. If there is a safe next step to follow, then the whole lot I wrote before is just nonsense and posturing?

From submitting my resignation letter to finishing the procedure, my step, if not Plato’s Cave, who quit the shadow-chasing competition and climbed up the stairs, is Sisyphus who abandoned the original boulder to push another boulder. After resigning, what lies ahead is a completely different life experience. For me, it is definitely an adventure.

After writing here, I found that I have talked to more than 12,000 words from the bottom of my heart, or someone said, I am not afraid of offending people? It should not be said that what is stated here are all facts, which can stand the torture of conscience. Everyone involved is only discussing the facts without subjective judgments, so it is not offended. Besides, under the narrative of the grand system, everyone's so-called "flaws" It is also a common problem, and has nothing to do with personal nature. Besides, my ten years may be the golden ten years of this school. Now the leadership of the school has been completely changed. "One cannot step into the same river twice." The law school referred to in this article is a completely different one from the past law school.

As I have explained before, there are generally two reasons for my resignation, personal temperament and institutional environment, and another point is the confluence of some accidental events, which finally triggered my choice to submit my resignation letter at this time. Thinking that these accidental factors are more complicated, more twists and turns and thrilling, I am going to write another article to record this page of life in detail, record the bitterness, bitterness, helplessness and determination of the past two years, and describe the society behind these personal events At the same time, I also look forward to my future, to see what my so-called "second life" should be like.