Product Notes | Recommended Books for Beginners in Teer Family: A Complete Guide for Parents of Hyperactive Children (Revised Edition) / Gentle and Firm Positive Parenting (New and Revision Edition). by Cool Horse Sakuragi

・Written by: Kuma Sakuragi

Autism and ADHD have a high probability of comorbidity, but the manifestations are different. Both parenting strategies can be referred to these two books.

The Complete Guidebook for Parents of Hyperactive Children / Published by Far Stream

The author mentioned: (The following is taken from part of the book) The so-called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder , (abbreviated as hyperactivity disorder), refers to the child's difficulty in attention, hyperactivity and impulse inhibition to a certain degree, resulting in A developmental disorder, we call it hyperactivity. This book is written for parents raising children with ADHD and for those who want to understand the disorder and how to cope. The main purpose is to help parents of hyperactive children so that they can face these children who are struggling to raise them, while ensuring the health of the whole family members.

There are many books on the market, but not enough to educate parents about ADHD and, more importantly, to provide instructions on how to do it. Research on the molecular genetics of ADHD has progressed at an alarming rate over the past decade.

The causes of ADHD generally have its physiological and genetic basis. The research results show that there will be breakthrough changes in the diagnosis and treatment of ADHD in the future compared with the past ten years; parents should pay more attention to the development of these researches, so as to have a better understanding of ADHD and know how to deal with it. Claims that have no scientific basis, such as the belief that the disorder is caused by improper parenting, diet, or watching too much TV.

For example, scientific research over the past decade has shown that ADHD is not just a problem of attention, but also of self-regulation : Self-regulation involves how the perception of ourselves develops so that we can manage our behavior in our social context. To label this disorder as an attention problem is to oversimplify and underestimate the substantial and dramatic distress that these hyperactive children face in every life challenge, as well as the more demands of family, school, and society as they grow up .

No matter how debilitating ADHD is, there are still many doubts about how serious a disorder it is. There are many stories on TV and in the print media claiming that these psychiatric-diagnosed children with ADHD are adventurous, especially the boys, who are the Toms (The Adventures of Tom) and Huck (the urchins) of modern life. The protagonist of The Wanderer). Some fringe religious groups have also challenged the existence of the disease and have harshly criticized drug treatment. The full scientific literature shows that these claims are false , but parents of hyperactive children are still bombarded by these unscientific claims from time to time.

The so-called hyperactivity disorder refers to the disturbance of the child's ability to control the immediate response of the present, so that they cannot control the time and the future in front of them; that is, these hyperactive patients will eventually be harmed because they cannot use the appropriate sense of time to face the past. , the future, to guide their own behavior. Your hyperactive child, in general, has not properly developed the ability to switch from focusing on the present to a possible future. It is understandable that a child who lives only in the here and now would act impulsive. The child only wants to do what is interesting to him at the moment and avoid activities that are not being enhanced at the time in order to try to achieve the greatest satisfaction in the moment. From the child's point of view, there is always only "now" , and when he is expected to develop the ability to look ahead and work hard for the future, it will be miserable. These abilities depend on how much we control our impulses, so that we are no longer controlled by the present, but influenced by the future. Such a view of ADHD gives it and the distress it causes a great dignity, explains why these sufferers do not behave like others, and provides a basis for us to respect them and learn more about how the disorder can harm their lives. everyday life.

The author's intention in writing this book is to teach parents to gather information and seek professional help in a scientific manner. In the pursuit of this information, challenge its source and rationale, that is , the spirit of inquiry and skepticism . So another purpose of this book is to give families the tools to learn new things, to question all the information you hear and read, including what this book provides. This kind of optimistic, inquisitive skepticism is now more needed than when this book was first published, because of the popularity of the Internet, we are experiencing a modern culture with an explosion of diverse information. Unfortunately, most of the information about this disease that appears on this highway is incorrect, because this information does not need to be reviewed and reviewed, usually the information above is covered with a thin veil, and there is no promotion of herbal medicine behind it. , is to provide a political point of view. Not only websites can provide wrong information, but also blogs, chat rooms (social media), without any qualifications or scientific evidence, anyone can express an opinion rashly. So don't forget your skeptical spirit , whether in the library, bookstore, or online.

The book says don't stop looking, you need new knowledge about ADHD to nurture your hyperactive child. The first step to becoming a "competent parent" is to face all the facts and then have the final say over the physician, psychologist, paramedic, social worker and teacher. These professionals are your advisors in their area of expertise, but no one, I mean no one, knows your child better than you . You are the one in control of your child's professional and educational resources, and each chapter in this book is designed to equip you with the ability to take on this responsibility and to relieve your sense of not being in control of your child's upbringing, or even losing your child in the process. In short, this book is to teach you how and when to make decisions; but this book cannot make decisions for your children , and no one or any book can.

The content taught in this book is drawn from the author's 35 years of clinical experience (revised in 2014) and research conducted on thousands of children with ADHD and their families. The process also includes the author's own continuous self-improvement as a person, father, scientist, teacher, supervisor, and clinical professional.

[Foreword] Guiding philosophy: parents of hyperactive children → become principled parents (7 habits)

1. Proactive: We often react directly to our children's behavior under impulse, regardless of the outcome, without planning what goals to achieve. In those situations, we are forced to respond rather than deliberately choose to respond. There is no hope in such a reactive framework, the fate of you and your child is in the hands of external factors and hyperactive children. Negative interactions like this wash over you without warning, like losing your balance in a big wave. You feel helpless, and your relationship with your child becomes hostile, negative, depressed, dysfunctional. The real problem is not what your child does, but how you react . It's up to you to proactively change the way you deal with your children , and take responsibility for making your relationship the one you want .

2. Start with the end in mind: In the face of difficulties, try to envision the outcome you want . Start small, like how you would like to do homework with your child at night; or how your child would respond if you helped him accomplish an important goal, like graduating from high school; or try Dr. Covey's advice , imagine your funeral, your child is going to say a few words at the funeral, what do you want him to say to your parents? Having the results in mind in advance will help us see what's important , know what's really important, and better know what to do to produce the results we want.

3. First things first: What is the most important thing in your relationship with your child? In terms of roles like parents, what is most important? What are your primary responsibilities in helping your child overcome or achieve other people's life challenges? We need to recognize the difference between war and war; that is, to distinguish between some things that children do every day, but are trivial and unimportant (such as making the bed before going to school); some are important things (leaving a loving home atmosphere) , go to school with a calm and happy mood). Parents of hyperactive children often find themselves frantic over little things, constantly confronted by constant provocations about their child's condition throughout the day. But is this the parent-child relationship you want? Parents of hyperactive children must be clear about their priorities .

4. Win-win thinking: Think about the life of you and your hyperactive child all day long. He is about to enter puberty. You will ask him to do his homework, do housework, participate in some social activities, and obey the house rules. Communicate and negotiate. Once you're negotiating with anyone, remember that it's a win-win situation , that is, you're working toward getting what you and your child want. Don't just think about what you want your child to do, try to understand how hard it is for him to do what you want. Have you ever found yourself giving orders all day long to obey? It's easy to do, of course, but is this the parent-child relationship you want? Think about the outcome, how you would like others to remember you: a tyrant? Or a respectable negotiator?

5. Know yourself and your enemy: Dr. Covey uses an emotional bank metaphor to help us understand the importance of this. The metaphor refers to the trust we place in others in our relationships, in this case between you and your hyperactive child. If you are honest, kind, polite, and trustworthy to him, you are saving money; avoiding being rude, disrespectful, dishonest, overreacting, threatening, humiliating, embarrassing, betrayal, you are increasing the saving between you and your child . Then, when he needs it, he will come to you for your advice and advice ; and when you need his understanding and help, he will be there waiting for you.

Remember, your love for him is the backbone of his emotions because he is part of your family. And you want to make sure that there are no strings behind this love ; your love for him has nothing to do with how well you behaved that day, how you did at school, how many friends you had, how you performed at sports, how you were at leisure.

6. Synergy: Work creatively with your child to incorporate the aforementioned habits into your interactions with your child. Using the above points can release the greatest energy between people, so that we can live with others freely and imaginatively, get along with children in such a cooperative way, and accept all possible consequences . If you don't insist that everything is your way, your relationship won't necessarily develop and turn out the way you expect. It will change as the child grows up and some parents will be intimidated by this uncertainty, but if you are willing to savor the enjoyment and the adventure, prepare yourself to believe in the power of your relationship and trust each other no matter what happens in the future , and cherish the difference between your child and others. Open yourself up to face the difficulties you may face together, allow new ways of solving problems to emerge, and remember that there is no "right" way to raise your child , but there may be some great ways you can face life together challenge.

7. Keep updating: This habit can be applied to each of the aforementioned points. You are the most important resource between you and the hyperactive child, and you must take care of and update yourself at any time . Just as a machine needs a break, an efficient person needs a refreshment. We need to renew in four areas: physical, spiritual, social/emotional, and spiritual . Physically, you need proper nutrition, exercise, and stress management; mentally, you need to read, educate yourself, pursue creative pursuits, plan future visions or write, and maintain intimacy with your partner. , gain inner peace from Habits 1 to 6 above; continue to clarify your values and commitments on a spiritual level, and think about your relationship to the world, your morals, and your purpose in life .

Parents of hyperactive children often dry up by devoting too much time and energy to their children. Such sacrifices, which at first glance seem great and loving, are foolish and self-destructive in the long run. Not giving yourself the chance to renew will cause you to give less and less. A machine that never rests and is not maintained may appear productive in the short term, but its lifespan will be shortened. The best gift for your hyperactive child is to constantly renew yourself .

＜For more information, please read the original book＞

Gentle and Firm Positive Parenting / Far Current Publishing

Highlights of the new and revised version: (The following is taken from part of the book)

1. Emphasize gentleness and firmness

This version emphasizes the importance of "moderateness and firmness" . Many parents and teachers still seem to be struggling to accept the concept, mostly because they think gentleness and firmness cannot coexist. In fact, to understand the principle of "gentleness and firmness", we can use breathing as an analogy: what if we only breathe in and do not breathe out, or if we only breathe out and do not breathe out? The answer is obvious. Gentleness and firmness may not involve life and death, but gentleness and firmness can make the difference between a child's success and failure. If you are both gentle and firm, gentleness can counteract all problems caused by persistence (rebelliousness, resistance, damage to self-worth), and firmness can counteract all problems caused by excessive gentleness (indulgence, manipulation, being spoiled child, damaged self-worth).

2. Active Pause

Active Pause is a life skill that works for both adults and children. Many parents and children find it humorous and effective when we can remember that we are under the human reptilian instinct during parent-child conflict. When we are in the reptilian instinct, we only have two The choice: confrontation (power struggle) or escape (withdrawal and poor communication), and reptilians sometimes eat their own children. So it's all the more reason to put an active pause, wait until the mood improves, and then use intimacy and trust to solve the problem . To avoid sudden distance and hostility.

3. Focus on problem-solving methods

The main theme of the book is to develop problem-solving methods. My most popular argument is: "How can adults be crazy enough to think: In order to make children perform better, we have to make them feel worse?" If parents and teachers think about this, they will It's really a crazy idea to understand. But when confronted with their children's misbehavior, they often revert to the old habit of punishing them in the past.

4. Responsibilities of adults

When children have behavior problems, adults should take responsibility. The original intention is to emphasize the awareness and responsibility of adults. I have often found that many behavioral problems in children that frustrate parents and teachers can be changed if adults change first .

What did the adult do to cause the problem? Some misconduct is simply the result of adult "design". Think about it, how many children become rebellious only after their parents and teachers asked? If the adults in these children's lives can invite the children to participate in the discussion of problem-solving methods at home or in class meetings, or help the children make a daily routine and ask, "What is our agreement?" or "Now you What needs to be done?" The children may be very cooperative.

5. Parental Personality: Your Influence on Your Child

It is designed to help adults understand how their personalities can trigger children to show their strengths and weaknesses. Many adults don't know that the decisions they made as children shaped their personalities today, and their personalities today are affecting their children. The information in this chapter is interesting to understand how adults can overcome certain behaviors when a child's character is being formed, lest these adult behaviors trigger bad decisions that affect the child's future character. This chapter is not meant to be labelled or critical. Recognizing that the problem exists is the key to change .

A child's healthy self-worth must be based on the child's belief that "I can do it ." When parents are pre-emptive, overprotective, or under-timed, children fail to develop the "I can" belief. When children are constantly being told what to do, when they lack respectful participation in discussions, when they are not focused on problem-solving, and when they are not given the opportunity to practice the skills their parents want them to have, then they will not develop a sense of competence that will help them build. related skills.

How to apply this book?

This book is written for parents and teachers because:

• The concepts that parents and teachers need are the same. The only difference is the location of the application. There are many teachers who are also parents and want to adopt these concepts both at home and at school.
• When the methods of parents and teachers to help their children are integrated, it increases the understanding and cooperation between the family and the school, and can actively assist each other.

The principles of positive parenting are like jigsaw puzzles, and the concepts inside emerge only after they are all put together. Sometimes, you don't understand positive parenting until you combine different concepts or attitudes. And in this puzzle, there are a few pieces: understanding the four wrong purposes behind misconduct, being gentle and firm, mutual respect, making mistakes is an opportunity to learn, social responsibility, family or class meetings, involving children in problem solving, encouragement .

When parents or teachers try to change old habits, be patient with yourself and your child . The more you understand the basic principles, the easier it will be to apply them in practice. Patience, humor, and tolerance can strengthen your learning process.

The author says that throughout this book, you'll see many new concepts and techniques that require practice to use successfully, and expecting too much of yourself will only lead to confusion and frustration . Use one method at a time, step by step, and don’t forget that making mistakes is an opportunity to learn .

Many parents and teachers find that even if their children are not perfect, using the concepts and attitudes in the book makes them even more enjoyable to spend with their children !

＜For more information, please read the original book＞

Since I hit the wall, all the information I have seen is advocating the importance of positive parenting. I just came into contact with the reading club teacher who conveyed the spirit of Adler. After reading that book (Children's Challenge) and reading this one, I feel that this This could have been the first-choice primer in the Adler Parenting series, but the updated edition adds new insights to avoid misunderstandings.

Bottle Mur Mur:

I used to have no direction for two years, and then I gradually encountered helpful information, and then kept learning and testing, and gradually I happened to be on the right path, which made my path not so much. Hardships, this can be a guide, and internalizing it into your own can be a great tool.

Parents need to change to a different head and face it. Only by changing the thinking mode and doing it can the problem be improved. by PinZ's Awakening

Halfway through this writing, I quit some Line groups and FB clubs again! Just like what the book says, you have to be judgmental, there is no quick way to raise a child, keep the spirit of inquiry and suspicion, remove the myth of Teer and open up the angle, every family can go out of its own way! I hope these two books can help some families who have no direction and shorten the period of hitting the wall.

We can choose a safe path, or we can choose to take risks and take shortcuts.

In a friend's post, I left this paragraph: Many people with intentions take advantage of their parents' concerns and manipulate their parents to take a quick skill course, but how can general parent-child parenting be quick? ! Not to mention Teer, so I quit one by one, and continued to study systematically with social workers and teachers with more than 30 years of experience. I usually read more books and constantly update myself.

It is not only needed by special families, but also suitable for ordinary families.

This time, I will finish it here, go find the book and read it! See you next time for the support workshop notes~~~

To organize these notes, they were originally for me to review for myself. Those who need it, please use it by yourself! Heart direction → 60 points for mother and 100 points for myself :)

Postscript: I heard that the reader can also export e-book text files, from now on, you don’t have to type until the end of the world, burning me → make a wish~~~

"This article 0318/2021 was published on Pathfinder's personal blog"