[Sex/Gender] Is it gender (male) that we fear, or is it factors beyond our control?

Some conversations that have occurred on different occasions in recent days have prompted me to think again and again: What are we afraid of and what are we wary of?

"I was stared at by a man in the elevator and it was very uncomfortable." "My friends reminded me that I should change my clothes to prevent similar incidents from happening again." "When I went camping, my family would ask me if there were any boys going with me, saying it would be safer. "If you want to try taking pictures, find a female photographer and try it first. There is always a difference in body shape and strength between men and women."

You say, what causes us to presuppose men to be protective on the one hand, and presuppose men to harm others on the other?

Is it gender (generally referring to cisgender men) that we fear, or factors beyond our control (threats)?

Not all male gaze makes people feel scared, but the malicious and uncontrollable potential threat is what scares us.

When we are taught that "men = threats", some men's coping strategies are to put men on the opposite side, such as "looking for women to photograph" and "avoiding men"; but when hearing these coping strategies, some men will feel threatened. Slander and grievance may lead to the reaction of "not all men are like this".

The emotion of feeling wronged is real.

However, if you don’t want to deal with strategies that pit men against each other, everyone (especially cisgender men) needs to understand what causes the fear of “men = threats”—such as social culture, power differences, and historical Factors such as gender classification and women being constantly reminded to protect themselves.

When you understand the fear of others, you will realize how many privileges you have as a cisgender male.

Recommended reading material: "When We Are Men, We Are Already Part of Rape Culture "

One of the above sentences was shared with me by a friend who suggested that he "change his clothes to cope with/reduce being stared at". I tried to discuss and analyze the context behind it with my friend.

Reminding potential victims to change their clothing puts the responsibility for harm on the potential victim, which is "victim blaming."

The starting point is good intentions, and those who make suggestions want to solve the problem - because it is difficult for us to see or control the perpetrators, but we are eager to solve the problem, so we focus on the easily visible victims and control the victims. People can achieve the self-comfort of "I am involved in solving the problem."

 A friend asked me how I would respond if I received such well-meaning advice but felt vaguely blamed.

Based on my understanding of the other party’s good intentions, and the fact that the other party mentioned that he had a similar experience of being stared at, I think the other party’s response may also be to vaguely blame myself, so I will reply to the other party when I am ready and able:

"I see that you are worried about me, and at the same time my experience has aroused your fears. Thank you for sharing your worries with me.

However, in the face of threats, those are beyond my control, so changing my clothes is not my choice, and it also makes me feel vaguely blamed. Even if that is not your intention, you may even be using this sentence to respond to yourself🫂 

If you also want to talk, we can work together to sort out why we feel that wearing conservative clothing is a way of protection, and what kind of sexually repressive environment we are facing🫂"

When we give advice, try to say "equip yourself" instead of "protect yourself."

"Protection" is to passively protect yourself from harm, and "Equipment" is to actively equip yourself to deal with any situation.

Although protection is an inevitable action, when giving advice, try to encourage each other to grasp our agency and equip ourselves to deal with any situation.

There is no absolutely correct way to respond to uncomfortable gazes. Whether it is looking back, choking back, or avoiding it, as long as you feel it is appropriate, it is the most appropriate response at the moment .

Everyone's readiness is different, and we can equip and explore our own appropriate coping methods by doing different imagination exercises.

 Just imagine what I would do when faced with a person’s deliberate gaze in different spaces:

You may make a "cough" sound to indicate that the other person is observing you, look directly at the other person until the other person looks away, pull the collar to indicate that you don't like being stared at, leave the scene as soon as possible, etc.

There is no right or wrong way to respond, it just depends on your current state. You can take the initiative to attack when you have more energy, or avoid when you lack energy.

Among the above words, one sentence makes me sad the most: "If you want to try taking pictures, find a female photographer and try it first..."

When we advise people to find female photographers, this "strategic advice" seems to be the law of the jungle, saying that it is unreliable to find male photographers and it is safer to find female photographers. This is not only saying that "men are not controllable", it is also saying that "women are controllable".

This statement allows men to evade responsibility and creates an excuse for men to continue to say that "men just have trouble controlling themselves." If men cannot be educated, do they have to turn to women who are more controllable? The logic is similar to the “blaming the victim” discussion above.

I understand that many times we want to give simple and quick responses, but is there a more ideal way for everyone to learn "how to deal with different situations" together?

 Following this suggested response, I tried contacting the response:
“During the shooting process, we actually have some methods that both photographers and subjects can use.

We can all often remind each other to drink water and go to the toilet. This is not only a human right, but also buys us some space and time to deal with different requirements.

In addition to confirming the scale and content of the shooting in advance, photographers can also establish a habit of previewing the next outfit or nude 15 minutes in advance during the shooting, and then continue shooting, giving enough time and space for the person being photographed to think and confirm their wishes. "

I don't want to refer to gender because I don't think gender is the cause of crime . A person who wants to hurt others is not limited by gender. If someone says that, it is just an excuse to not want to be responsible for their actions.