Is it a poison stamp or a miracle cure? On a spiritual journey, I met God.

1.

When I first learned that my boyfriend used LSD, I was shocked. At that time, we were in different places, and after the video sex self-soothing to the climax, we began to tell each other our hearts. I told the story of quarreling with my mother in adolescence, being beaten by my father, and finally escaping from the family; he listened silently and said, "Next time we meet, I will take you to use LSD." "what is that". He smiled mysteriously, closed his eyes, and fell into a deep sleep without answering.

Curiosity keeps me awake. I sat on the bed, turned on the computer, and searched for LSD. LSD, full name Lysergic acid diethylamide, Chinese translation "lysergic acid diethylamide" (I can't even read these words). According to Wikipedia, it is a hallucinogen shaped like a postage stamp, synthesized in 1938 by Swiss chemist Albert Hofmann. As one of the most powerful psychotropic drugs discovered so far, a few milligrams of LSD can cause long-term hallucinations and strong consciousness distortions in users. In various countries—including Europe and the United States, where the social atmosphere is open, and Switzerland, where it was born—LSD is a contraband; top drug for serious violence and even suicide".

I shudder. After making an artist boyfriend, my life became more and more out of bounds. I had many rebellious experiences such as making sex videos, playing with sex toys, recording urinating voices, and spending money without fixed income. Out of love and curiosity, I don't comment on my boyfriend's deviant behavior, in order to experience the diversity of mentality in the world, and taste the danger and novelty in it. But this time, it seems to have gone too far. This is no longer just wandering on the fringes of society, but completely out of the barriers of the system.

But curiosity dragged me to stay. I frantically collected information about LSD, and in the accumulated materials, I heard another voice.

Studies have proved that LSD is not addictive and has no physical harm to human body functions. So far, there has been no case of death due to excessive use of LSD. Not only that, many scientists have proved that LSD has medicinal value and can be used to relieve addiction, pain and fear of death. There are also many famous people who regard LSD as a source of inspiration - Aldous Huxley because it wrote a literary masterpiece, the Beatles because it created psychedelic rock music, Jobs because it found a lifelong mission to start a technology company , It is said that the take-off of Silicon Valley is also related to the use of LSD by a generation of programmers.

An American writer even wrote a hundred-page book on LSD. In this book called "Change Your Mind", reporter Michael Pollan personally visited hospital laboratories, professional seminars, and underground drug stores, and talked with many doctors, scholars, and drug users, revealing in detail the prosperous past of LSD, the sudden The fall of being banned and the revival of recent years.

But that's not the highlight of the book. The highlight of this book is that in order to explore the pros and cons of LSD, the reporter personally "tested the drug" at the age of 60, and obtained a mysterious experience of "unity of God and man" and "bathed by love". Reborn, reborn. Later, this book was rated as the best book of 2008 by the "New York Times", and it has long occupied the first place in the bestseller list.

I no longer resist LSD because of ignorance, but I still have fear and doubt about it.

2.

Perhaps it was because of this doubt that my first attempt at LSD was not pleasant.

It was my 26th birthday, and a private house photo shoot meant I had to overcome long and deep shame to reveal myself to the camera, the lights, and the gaze. My boyfriend gave me a piece of paper a few millimeters long and wide, and asked me to stick it on the tip of my tongue, saying that it would relax me and help me overcome my nervousness and timidity.

I did.

It didn't take long for my consciousness to spread and my "self" to dissolve. Shrouded in a kind of unreasonable self-love, the reservedness and shyness of the "ego" gradually disappeared. I am no longer afraid of the camera, but enjoy it, becoming more relaxed and natural. The shutter release was bright and brisk, and I showed off my figure like a geisha, like a slut, so charming that I was dripping water. For a moment, I completely deviated from dogma and discipline, and became a mysterious cat, a snake and a giraffe in the mist.

A strong lust flowed through the scene, and the boyfriend watching the shooting was so horny and thirsty; after the shooting was finished, he quickly picked up the big bags and led me out of the photography studio, eagerly looking for a car that could take us home taxi.

At the crossroads, there is a lot of traffic, the crowd is bustling, and the world is as fast as the blurred outlines and hazy overlapping images under the instantaneous lens when the shutter is quickly pressed. I watched quietly, as if I was separated from the world in another time and space; it seemed that there was another kind of time, slowly and peacefully, creeping in my body.

Two extreme jet lags completely separate me from the world. It's like the protagonist of the movie walked out of the movie in a trance, accidentally hit the movie, and then looked back at the screen, and found that life is just a drama, a dream, a holographic illusion. I saw the "big self" directing life , and design all the details—streets, traffic, crowds, zebra crossings, traffic lights, my boyfriend, and the lust between us that needs to be vented, etc.—in such detail that we think that the world is real.

In fact, this is just a dream.

I just woke up.

I became a heretic. I don't know where to look for companions, and I don't know if I really have companions. A kind of utter desolation, loneliness, emptiness and nothingness suddenly hit me. The world is a vast expanse of whiteness, the land is so clean, and I can't see the way forward, so I have a fear of the unknown. I want to go back, I want to go back to the mainstream, I want to go back to the rabble, I want to inhabit the crowd for safety and comfort. I fought desperately against the "true self" that I had suddenly glimpsed. I used tension to confront relaxation, and used control to fight loss of control. The strong physical discomfort finally completely overwhelmed the intense and crazy sex with my boyfriend that afternoon, and became the deepest memory of my first use of LSD.

3.

"It's nothing important anyway, let's go together today."

At four o'clock in the afternoon, the sunset in L City had already begun. A beam of red light penetrated the dark blue glass and fell on the gray carpet. I was sitting on the bedside of the hotel, and my boyfriend held out his palm to me, and there were two brown-red pieces of paper the size of one-eighth of a postage stamp in his palm.

That was my second encounter with LSD. After half a year in different places, my boyfriend and I finally squeezed out time and went to L City for vacation together. My boyfriend expected LSD to bring unrestrained sex to couples who rarely get along, but I agreed to his invitation with the attitude of having nothing to do during the holidays and giving it a try. At that time, we were still using LSD for entertainment, and it was impossible to predict how it would reverse or even change a person's fate in the next three hours.

We stuck the paper on our tongues, stripped naked, got under the covers, closed our eyes, hugged, kissed, stroked. After an unknown period of time, my consciousness gradually blurred, as if I was going to another time and space. The world disappeared, leaving only a dark tunnel. I walked deep into the tunnel, saw scenes from the past, and went back in the tunnel.

I saw the "I" who was suffering because of others. The "I" who was slapped by my mother for crying when I was young, shed tears in junior high school and accused her mother of preferring more "I" to my younger brother, knelt on the ground in high school and begged my father not to beat my "I" because of puppy love, after graduation, in order to compete And the "I" who is indifferent and suppressed in order to survive, the "I" who keeps attacking himself in order to cater to social evaluation after work, and has been depressed for five years...

I saw "others" suffering because of "me". The mother who was hurt by "I", the father who was deceived time and time again by "I" who was in love with him early, the friends who were hurt by "I", the colleagues who failed in the competition with "I", and the thousands of people who were "I" because of survival. Write political propaganda articles to deceive readers...

I saw people in the world pouring out their pain to "me". The woman who was raped by the family, the boy who was molested, the political prisoner who was imprisoned, the lower class who had no way to appeal, the company boss who could only sleep by taking medicine, the sexless and loveless official after a political marriage, and the daughter who had countless wealth but could not treat her epilepsy. Investors......

It turns out that everyone in the world suffers. The inescapable suffering of arrogance, selfishness, indifference, vanity, conceit, and narcissistic "ego"; the inescapable suffering of birth, old age, sickness, death, not getting what one wants, resentment, separation from love, and samsara ; unable to overcome the pain of "discrimination" that transcends oneself to care for others; unable to escape the pain of desire for fame, wealth, recognition, understanding, understanding, appreciation, and gaze.

Everyone suffers.

Pain is due to craving.

I am the world.

In an instant, the space-time tunnel was wiped out, the world collapsed, mountains fell and the ground cracked, floods surged, and volcanoes raged violently.

In the sea of ​​fire, I rolled, struggled, shouted, and begged for help together with the people of the world.

I started to cry, heartbroken, and hysterical, as if I wanted to pour out all the pain I had as a human being.

"What's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you?"

I heard my boyfriend's voice from another time and space, calling me again and again. I wanted to tell him that I saw hell, reincarnation, reincarnation, and the souls of the world rolling in the sea of ​​fire, but I couldn't open my eyes or say a word. My breathing was erratic and my body was trembling uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you?"

Every question he asked made me despair.

Why can't you see it? Why are you not me? Why are we so close physically but are different individuals after all? Why is human consciousness limited in our own little minds, so that we can never have real understanding, empathy, compassion and love for others?

I cried hysterically.

For the sake of being a human being, one is doomed to be lonely, one must go through suffering, and one must experience trauma.

After crying for a long time, my surroundings gradually quieted down.

The volcano subsided slowly, the flood gradually subsided, and I heard crisp birdsong from afar. There is no longer the endless comments, judgments, interpretations, and defenses of the "ego", and there are no more dilemmas, troubles, contradictions, and conflicts created by opposites. There are only breezes, green grass, roses, and mandalas. Only poetry, music, dance and painting. I heard lotus flowers blooming on the snow-capped mountains, children turning their knuckles, and people worshiping totems in temples. I was surrounded by a level of stillness, peace, beauty and love that I had never experienced before.

Bathed in love, I gaze long, long in awe at all that exists and at myself.

It turns out that knowledge does not equal wisdom, language often brings separation, and thinking does not equal awakening; it turns out that the greatness of Jesus and Buddha does not lie in principles and teachings, but in their lives and actions. They are familiar with the imperfections of the world, but still love the world. They are well aware of the impermanence of human nature, but they have devoted their lives to helping the world; it turns out that great artists have a sympathy with the creator, and they undertake the mission from God in their works to accept and forgive human nature, and to show mercy, compassion and sympathy to the world ;It turns out that no matter how different human beings are, they will eventually lead to the same goal. There will be no conflicts and judgments in the end, but only surrender, acceptance and love for all things.

I no longer sob, no longer tremble.

After a long time, I slowly opened my eyes.

4.

"What's wrong with you?" My boyfriend asked me gently.

I lay on the bed, opened my eyes, and looked around. Like a newborn baby, the ceiling, the wallpaper, the TV and the cloudy sky outside the window, everything in the world makes me curious.

"Tell me, what have you been through?" the boyfriend said.

"I can't say it, and if I say it, no one can understand it."

"Then don't talk about it," he hugged me, "It's fine to cry out the pain of the past."

Maybe, he can understand.

"More than that. Can you understand? I see reincarnation", I said.

"I can. For a moment I thought, you're crying for all of humanity."

I burrowed deep into his arms. How lucky I am to meet such a peaceful embrace and such a deep understanding in this life.

"I kept asking you what's wrong just now, did you hear that?"

"Sorry, I couldn't care about you at the time."

"No need to apologize. I know. So I hugged you afterwards and kept saying, I am here and will always be there."

It doesn't matter if we are born different, as long as we have love, it doesn't matter if we can understand, as long as we are willing to understand. For a moment, I thought, maybe there will never be anything that can separate us in the future.

There was no sound, we hugged quietly. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, as if he wanted to rub me into my spleen and lungs.

After a long time, he said, "It's amazing. I really want to eat the slice you ate."

I was amused by his childishness. I want to tell him that the magic is not the piece of LSD, but everything in the past, the people he passed by, the things he met, the books he read, the path he traveled, the mistakes he made, the setbacks he suffered, and the tears he shed. , all all. Countless times, I envied my boyfriend's life, having a relatively good family background, relatively happy childhood, relatively sound education, and growing up in a relatively loving environment; I also questioned myself countless times in the middle of the night, why would I compare Ordinary people have a more sensitive sense of life, especially those details that are more painful. Now, I finally found the answer. Pain is such a precious asset, it not only brings growth, but also brings wisdom and awareness, and I am so lucky to be the one chosen to experience it, to experience it, to write about it, to record it, so as to dissolve it for more people its people.

I no longer envy anyone, I cherish the experience of being "me" in this life.

Thanks. I didn't say it. But I know that what should be heard has been heard.

5.

After returning home from L City, some changes appeared in her life. The biggest change is that there is no longer the feeling of loneliness when I hurried through the crowd without knowing where to go, and when others laughed. Still depressed, and occasionally anxious, but most of the time, I am silent and calm, watching everything happen like watching running water, and enjoying it peacefully.

I am no longer looking for happiness, the present moment has given me joy. I no longer rush to the finish line, the journey has amazed me.

For several years, I tried to heal myself with various methods such as exercise, meditation, spiritual practice, reading and socializing, but in the end, it was the LSD that day that made everything have explosive results and results. This is not only because that crying made me tilt out the pain of the past ten years, but also let me get a complete vent and release, which is extremely rare in adult society; more importantly, that experience made me I broke away from the "ego" and took me to another universe, allowing me to personally experience the integrity of human consciousness in a strange place, and realize how painful the person who caused pain to "me" is; and "me" How the pain caused to others will react on oneself in a more violent way.

People are not just similar, they are one. Everyone longs for love, and the only solution is to give love first.

In order to understand the changes LSD brought to me, I re-read relevant materials.

It turns out that there is a long tradition of using LSD to treat neurological, psychological and mental diseases. In the 1950s and 1960s when LSD was popular in the Western psychiatric circle, LSD was regarded as a panacea by therapists. At that time, LSD was called psychedelics, which means "enlightenment of the mind", rather than the more pejorative "psychedelics" or "hallucinogen"; the experience of patients after taking LSD was called psychedelics. Tour, which means "spiritual travel" (acid trip); and guide the therapist to take LSD, it has the reputation of "spiritual guide (trip guide)".

At that time, the American upper class, especially Hollywood stars, often spent hundreds of dollars to buy LSD spiritual relaxation therapy from therapists, and after receiving the treatment, they excitedly shared their experience with the media, and their words were full of words such as "reborn", "awareness and transcendence". senses", "bathed in love, beauty, peace", "only awe, glory, gratitude" and other mystical words.

Before using LSD, my understanding of this kind of "use testimonials" was always a kind of confusion of seeing flowers through the fog; after experiencing LSD personally, the thick fog suddenly cleared, and I could easily enter behind each word, the vast and Profound new world. I used to wonder why users would believe a "visual reaction caused by chemical drugs" and even change themselves because of it; now I seem to be able to answer: all the feelings of the spiritual journey are real, Even more real and intense than everyday life.

Because what went through that journey was not the body and five sense organs, but the consciousness and heart.

Chemicals that subvert cognition and break away from daily life are destined to be difficult to live in reality for too long. In the mid-to-late 1960s, LSD entered the streets, and there were a large number of negative reports in the media that taking LSD caused mental breakdown, malignant hallucinations, and suicide. As a result, LSD was quickly abandoned by the cultural and scientific circles, and was classified as a banned drug by many governments.

It was not until the beginning of this century that LSD reappeared publicly in the media and scientific circles. After decades of decline, the promoters and users of LSD now understand more deeply that if such a powerful chemical is not restricted by regulations, it will indeed cause harm to individuals and society.

Anecdotal use has become cautious. Many programmers in Silicon Valley use LSD daily, but the dose is greatly reduced; scientists are still exploring the possibility of LSD to cure mental illness, but the research method is more standardized; some scholars use LSD to study the connection between the brain and mind, trying to unravel the mystery of consciousness , but the way of exploration is no longer just collecting mystic testimonies, but a real brain imaging tool.

Every day, in large and small underground clinics all over the world, there are therapists of different schools of thought who start a "spiritual journey" for tourists who specifically seek a visit. They do not enjoy LSD, but hope to use it to heal the past pain of the visitors and develop their personal potential to the greatest extent; most of them have professional medical backgrounds, licenses, and their own set of usage norms and ceremonial regulations; He even pays attention to the treatment details of the clinic layout, object placement, and background music in the consulting room, so as to ensure that the visitors can get the most comfortable spirit travel experience to the greatest extent.

Today, many supporters of LSD are trying to push it from the underground to the mainstream, and the most hopeful way is to learn from the legalization of marijuana, first use it in drug research, and then gradually penetrate culture and enter daily life.

I always feel that, to some extent, this is almost an inevitable trend, it just takes time.

This is not only because I have experienced it and tasted a little sweetness, but also because I have never seen any simple, brutal ban that actually stopped human behavior. As with sex, so with LSD. From the perspective of human nature, if it is not a forbidden fruit, why is it necessary to try it? Instead of blocking the underground and creating scars, it is better to put the table on the table for public research, explore usage methods, and formulate usage specifications. After all, if the "spiritual journey" is not reduced to "high fantasy", but carefully examined and treated rationally, then there are too many aspects that can be explored-why can LSD arouse human consciousness? Swimming and deformation? Why can everyone see different images and narratives in spiritual travel? How do these images and narratives relate to the human subconscious and reflect daily life? Science and mysticism never conflict, the former can be a means to explore the latter; and the latter can also provide inspiration and inspiration for the former. Maybe one day—fifty years later, or a hundred years later—LSD is no longer an artificially demarcated forbidden zone, but a tool in daily life that can help humans get along better with others, everything, and the universe .