Everyone must have heard the terms "otaku", "homegirl" and "home...". "House" seems to have become an important feature of modern society. What does "home" really mean? What is the underlying mental state? Is this about narcissism? Why has it become a development trend?

What is a "house"?

I define the "house" to be discussed in this article as:

A person chooses to stay at home most of the time, minimize going out as much as possible, avoid unfamiliar environments and interpersonal contact, and only engage in activities of their own choosing.

So "home" is not simply like staying at home, avoiding social contact and staying in the personal world are very important characteristics. This means that human contact is uncomfortable or troublesome for them, or at least unimportant.

Generally speaking, people tend to live in groups. Interpersonal contact and communication are not only needed, but even necessary. The "object relation theory" of psychoanalysis even believes that "seeking connection with the object" is one of human instincts. That is, people naturally want to connect with others.

Of course, everyone has different innate characteristics, and will have different levels of social needs, and there is no certain standard; moreover, everyone does need to maintain a certain personal space in life so that they will not lose their sense of self. Furthermore, although socializing is an instinctive need, "social skills" are not innate. Social interaction is actually a rather complicated thing. Social information is often simulated and full of variables; people will cooperate and compete with each other; it can make you feel supported, and it can also make you feel better. feel pressure. Most people often encounter interpersonal pressures in their daily lives, which can make people want to escape. But if a person deliberately avoids interpersonal contact in the environment in which he lives "in a large amount and for a long time" and only wants to stay in his own world, such a situation is still a matter of concern. What's more, this situation has gradually become a widespread social phenomenon.

If we agree that socializing is an instinctive need of human beings, and that such needs are not affected by special mental states (such as autism or psychosis), what is the problem that makes a person need to get out of the general natural and ordinary social situation? retreat?

I think such retreats have to do with trying to maintain good narcissistic feelings.

For these nerds, social situations can carry the risk of "narcissistic harm." The difficulty for them is that they tend to have higher-than-average narcissistic needs that are difficult to adjust; when faced with the inevitable setbacks in social situations, withdrawal from interpersonal relationships becomes an inevitable choice.

This "rigid" narcissistic need can be said to be the core of their difficulties, and most of the problems revolve around it; it comes from some problems in the process of early narcissistic growth, resulting in the original narcissism not being corrected .

Narcissistic Correction

From the point of view of psychoanalysis, people are in a state of "primitive narcissism" at the beginning after birth, which is an exaggerated feeling of "the world is me", unaware of the existence of other "people". Later, with the development of senses and cognition, I began to gradually feel the existence of the "object" of my mother, but still regarded her as a part of myself. Slowly the baby begins to discover that he does not have complete control over the object of the mother, and is forced to accept that the mother is an independent object. Such a process is quite a setback for the infant; he falls from the illusion of omnipotence while realizing that he is actually a fragile being. Therefore, this process needs to be carried out slowly, and the caregiver must provide enough warmth and safety to "neutralize" the baby's frustration and fear.

When the young child successfully regards the mother as an independent "object", he will begin to try to pour his original spiritual focus on the self into the mother as an object, and try to connect with the mother. Through the mother's continuous response to the child, on the one hand, the child's self-feeling is stabilized, and at the same time, a good "object relationship" is formed, and the combination becomes a stable "narcissistic structure".

Primitive narcissism is in such a process that it is gradually corrected to a narcissistic structure that is in line with reality and can properly interact with the outside world. Although setbacks in the process are painful and unavoidable, they are also a necessary part of the growth of narcissism. Too much and too little have adverse effects on the growth of narcissism. Ideally, in a "good enough" environment, these setbacks would be appropriately moderated to a tolerable level, allowing the process of correction to continue. For the caregiver, adjusting the setbacks faced by the child according to the characteristics of the child may be the most important task in parenting. The aforementioned concepts of "containment", "mirror reflection" and "idealization" are mainly aimed at completing such a process.

If there are too many setbacks and there is no room for buffering in the growth environment, the original narcissism will be withdrawn in large quantities, and at the same time, it will resist the outside world in a stubborn way, unwilling to accept changes. Like a snail retracting into its own hard shell, primitive narcissism retreats into the subconscious, unwilling to return to the conscious and continues to grow with changes in cognition.

If the caregivers are overly protective during the growth process, and even deny the occurrence of setbacks together with the individual, it will lead to insufficient correction of the original narcissism and retain too much almighty exaggeration. Such children become overly self-centered and ignore the feelings of others. Waiting to leave the protected environment, just like the plants in the greenhouse cannot adapt to the outside world, when they finally have to face the real world, they will face a great setback. However, the narcissistic structure at this time may have been stereotyped and difficult to adjust, so they will also choose to withdraw to cope with their difficulties.

Situations that are not conducive to narcissistic growth?

I tried to sort out a few possible scenarios.

scarcity and indifference

During the growth of narcissism, the caregiver cannot provide the child with sufficient psychological response due to various factors. This may come from financial difficulties, causing the caregivers to spend their energy on work and unable to respond; or because of their own psychological state, the caregivers may be depressed or trapped in their own psychological needs, ignoring the needs of children. Children thus experience a world of deprivation and indifference as they seek outward object connections. This is common in modern busy and competitive societies, where parents often work and children are looked after by babysitters or grandparents. Due to factors such as work and age, babysitters and grandparents meet the physical needs of children, but their psychological responses are likely to be insufficient.

Such a situation not only makes the narcissistic energy retreat inward, but also leads to the fragility of the narcissistic structure due to the lack of "mirror reflection". Such children often lack self-confidence, are easily traumatized by negative messages in interpersonal interactions, and avoid potentially hurtful social situations.

high negative emotional expression

An environment in which negative emotions are overexpressed can be a great burden for children who are initially experiencing emotions. This is like a person who has not undergone the appropriate stage of physical training, giving him too high a training volume at once, but causing injuries and making subsequent performance worse. The situation that often occurs is that the relationship between the parents is not good, and there are frequent quarrels and conflicts; the parents themselves are under a lot of pressure and cannot vent properly and are transferred to the children; or the parents are too demanding for perfection and habitually criticize the children for not doing well enough.

Such an environment is particularly stressful for children who are congenitally sensitive. Just like an antenna with high sensitivity, if the signal is too strong, it will explode and distort; and in order to protect their emotions from being overstimulated, they can only retreat to their inner world. Such children are often quiet, and they are not too noisy when they play alone. It seems that there is no problem, and it is easy to be ignored.

overprotection

Many parents with good social and economic conditions in modern society can provide a very good growth environment because of their own ability. But sometimes a "good" environment is not necessarily good for a child's growth. They often provide children with too much of what they think is "good" without necessarily paying attention to whether the child's characteristics are suitable; Pay attention to the needs of others; fear that the child will not be able to bear the setback and completely "isolate" or "deny" the setback. These situations will prevent children from being able to correct and adapt to the normal and appropriate setbacks of the environment. Once they face the real environment, they often cannot adapt in a short period of time and experience difficulties. However, once they have been unable to adjust for a long time (usually because their parents continue to protect them), they can only gradually return to a more satisfying state of dependence in the early stage when they cannot effectively cope with external setbacks, usually relying on their parents or spouse. Such children are usually more self-centered, and their behavior is more arrogant and self-willed. The modern so-called "gnawing the old family" belongs to this type. Because they cannot bear setbacks and have difficulty achieving achievements in life and work, they usually choose to withdraw from social interaction to avoid narcissism. This is a very common pattern in Taiwan, and it has a lot to do with the upbringing model in the culture.

narcissistic womb

When narcissism retreats inward, home becomes a giant womb, isolating the frustrations of the outside world and providing for the needs of life. However, in such a state, it is often difficult for the parents and family members beside them to accept, and they will continue to urge them to be "born". Many conflicts and tug-of-war between families often come from this. However, often the more the family urged, the more the otaku retreated; but if left alone, the family would not be able to afford it in the long run. So the whole family is caught in a dilemma.

But an adult is not a fetus after all, and cannot be satisfied with a safe space and enough nutrients. He still has some desires that need to be satisfied. Since there is no way to seek satisfaction from the outside, one can only try to create a "psychological space" inward, created through highly personal activities mixed with fantasy content. These activities have different choices according to different characteristics and abilities of individuals. They can be reading, writing, drawing, listening to music, watching TV, playing games, and the "Internet world" that is indispensable for modern people.

Internet influence

The rise of the Internet has played a very important role in the modern "house" phenomenon. In the past, "staying" at home was not a very comfortable thing. There were not many things to do, except to read books and watch TV. Now, as long as you are connected to the Internet, you can get a lot of information about the world without going out. Coupled with the changes in work and economic patterns, it is theoretically possible to live without going out at all. You can choose to "stay at home" in modern society. It becomes convenient and not difficult. Even if the body needs to be active to be healthy, there are many ways to exercise at home; not to mention the problem of air pollution, and often going outdoors to exercise is not good for health.

Importantly, through the Internet, people can build a personal world of their own choosing. If you want any information, type on the keyboard and ask Google God, and you will respond to your request; across the screen, if you encounter a situation you don't want to face, you can leave with a single click of the mouse. You can even recreate a new identity online, an identity different from your real life identity, an identity you desire. In case of failure, you can start again, just like playing a game, you can have an infinite number of "lives". How can this not attract them!

Of course, the actual Internet is not so beautiful. After all, the world of the Internet is also a world of "people's minds", and there will also be problems with people. The terrifying human flesh search and collective bullying on the Internet are no less terrifying than the real world. But compared to the real world, the sense of control brought by the Internet is still much greater.

This high sense of control greatly satisfies people's "narcissistic needs". If the real world does not change and cannot provide a suitable environment for people's narcissism growth and correction, choosing to "stay at home" to enter the online world may become their only option.

What is even more worrying is that because the Internet is convenient for concealing identities, some ideas that would have been hidden and suppressed in real social interactions may be more easily expressed. The reason why these thoughts were originally suppressed is precisely because they often carry strong emotions and aggression, and cannot be accepted in real social situations, so it is easy for everyone to see many inappropriate and immature remarks on the Internet. These problems caused by the online world, in retrospect, will still affect the real world.

The formation of the online world has been overwhelming. The relationship between the online world and the real world is intricate. It is difficult to assess the future development, and further observation is required.

How to deal with "homesteaders"

Once we can understand the sensitive and fragile narcissistic structure behind the "home", we know that it is very difficult to simply ask them to come out and face the real world; it is like asking them to go without any equipment and weapons. Same as war.

At the same time, because their original narcissistic needs have not been properly corrected, it is difficult for them to face their real problems. Therefore, it is quite difficult for them to repair the narcissistic structure by themselves, and it is bound to need the assistance of others. But if they do not have a certain amount of self-awareness and introspection, even if the people around them want to help, they may not be able to do so.

What's more, the family environment may be the source of his narcissism problem, and whether the family environment can be corrected to a suitable state is also a big problem. Therefore, it is often necessary to have a new "object" enter, or to switch to a more tolerant environment.

From this, it can be seen that the repair of narcissism is basically difficult, but not impossible. The first thing to overcome is the mentality of the two sides, which mainly comes from the confusion between the two sides in the roles of "adult" and "child".

The "homemaker" is already an "adult" in appearance, but many parts of the heart are still "children". The "containment" and "mirror reflection" that they need for their narcissistic growth in childhood have not been satisfied, and they often appear naive and immature behaviors without realizing it. When many parents face their children who are "at home", they are prone to demanding them as "adults", but at the same time they unconsciously treat them as "children" and do not trust them. This confusion of roles between the two is the biggest cause of conflict.

For parents, I think the ideal way is: basically treat them as an adult individual, respect their autonomy; carefully observe whether they have needs for "containment" and "mirror", and then Respond appropriately. While respecting their autonomy, also ask them to assume corresponding obligations. Many parents tend to take care of them as children in their daily life, but they are too strict when they really need to respond to their emotions and psychology like children. Common situations are: eating at an abnormal time, but always helping them prepare when they ask; when they have their own plans, they are eager to criticize the shortcomings of their ideas.

Eating should be your own responsibility. If you don't eat at the normal meal time of your family, you should ask them to find a way by themselves without cooperating with them. The situation in their own room can be determined by themselves; but other public areas in the home must meet the needs of others. When they have their own ideas, do not rush to criticize or agree immediately; encourage their thinking and expression, ask them how they plan to proceed, let them fully express their ideas, and then discuss with them the actual feasible approach. Even if you think their ideas are too fanciful or even unrealistic, don't rush to deny them, but let them discover problems naturally during the discussion. During the process, they should pay attention to the issue of boundaries: their own personal contributions should be respected as much as possible; if they need the cooperation of others, they are obliged to persuade and obtain their consent.

Such a process may be time-consuming, and the plan may not be implemented in the end; but such a process at least allows communication to proceed, the relationship between the two parties improves, and most importantly, the narcissistic growth that has stalled can be restarted.

I believe that very few people will voluntarily stay in a "home" state. If they can truly understand their underlying narcissistic structural fragility and respond to them in an appropriate manner, a growing narcissist will naturally seek out connections to the outside world.

Just like a mature fetus will inevitably leave the womb and be born in this world.

For more articles on narcissism, see my Narcissistic Notes