How should we face this world

Yesterday, a friend came to me and said that once he had an anxiety attack, he couldn't do anything, and he felt that he had become a burden to others.

She didn't ask me for any relief, but she came to me and said that she should be hoping to get some moral support from me. Coincidentally, also yesterday, a student asked me, teacher, do you feel bad about what happened recently? I said, I did feel suffocated, but because I had such a judgment very early, I didn't suffer a big mental shock. I remember that more than one person once said to me that I really envy your "mind", it seems that you are always full of enthusiasm and unmoved by the outside world. So I thought, aside from the physical differences, do I have any self-regulation experiences that I can share with others so that they can cheer up a little when times are bad?

When analyzing my own state of mind and its causes, I must pick out all the factors other than physical, and then see which ones can bring reference value to others. First of all, for the average person, work should be a factor that can seriously affect happiness. This is the same for me. I have been studying until the Ph.D., and I have only had a little income since the fourth year of the Ph.D., and it has only been four years since I worked. I didn't have much planning for my own career, and my first job was a chance. When I was studying for a PhD, I thought that my future life should be to find a college teacher with a salary of several thousand a month (recently, a college teacher exposed the salary slip, I was not too surprised, I knew the college teacher for a long time is such a level of income), save food and clothing. Up to now, there are still people who see some of the articles I have written and think that I am working in a university, but I am not.

I make a living mainly by teaching and writing, and doing some research in my spare time. The courses I teach belong to the category of humanities courses. The teaching materials are basically in English, and sometimes English is required in class. I don’t need to talk about those ideological things in China, and I won’t be reported by students for pointing out the current situation, and then be suspended, demoted, suspended for probation, or simply dismissed from teaching. My students have strong critical thinking, they don't necessarily agree with what I say, and sometimes we are more like friends than teachers and students. My colleagues and I have never had any unhappiness, because we all teach different subjects and there is no conflict of interest. I have a Princeton postdoc colleague whose wife does not go out to work and writes very orthodox novels at home, and he and I occasionally share our spiritual lives. In such an environment, I didn't feel much intrigue in the society, and I didn't get too much utilitarian.

Since I started writing as my vocation, I have not actively contributed to any media, but others have come to make an appointment. At one point I thought it was unlikely that I could make a living by writing because I wasn't a particularly well-known author, and I wrote about less popular subjects. In the past two years, there have been more and more manuscripts with me, but because I still have to teach, the work of writing manuscripts is endless, and there must be some separation. Therefore, editors have made manuscripts with me, except for special occasion manuscripts, generally not Give me a time limit or I may not be able to finish it on time (I write this purely out of personal preference, but I still owe a few manuscripts).

One of the advantages of this is that no one can hold my promotion prospects and economic lifeline and make me do things I don't like to do. My income, of course, is not comparable to those of my friends who earn an annual salary of more than one million, but in a place like Shenzhen, it is not a big problem to support myself and my family, and prepare funds for my parents and myself for retirement. Because my source of income is not single, any change on either side will not have much impact on my overall income. When I just graduated from the Ph.D., a friend felt pity for me, saying that it would be too wasteful for me not to seek a teaching position in colleges and universities. I also feel that it is a waste, but in such a situation, there is nothing we can do. Someone left me a message yesterday and asked me if I had ever imagined what would happen if I went to college by myself? I said, this question is like someone asking Lao Mao, what would have happened if Lu Xun was still alive at that time? It's nothing more than shut up or get punished. If I go to college, it is hard to imagine that I would dare to write "The Spiritual Civil War that has already started". A long paper that I will publish overseas recently will probably be suppressed by myself due to the world. The situation of liberal arts scholars in colleges and universities will only become more and more difficult in the future.

Some people say that those who know the current affairs are the heroes, and those who keep their mouths and don't speak, or join the singing team, don't necessarily have a bad life, right? this score. If a liberal arts scholar just wants to be like Qian Zhongshu and Yang Jiang, do something completely unrelated to politics, and slowly explore in his own field, no matter what his achievements are, then there is still room for this. A hundred years later, there will inevitably be some complaints, saying that he does not have an iron shoulder to shoulder morality, but this is not a serious matter. If a scholar of the liberal arts is wholehearted with the current regime, and he spends his life learning to re-legitimize it, defend it internationally, and construct a new ideology for it, he can ignore his own personal Honor and disgrace, that's not much to say. Although I swear to the death against what he did, he personally wouldn't necessarily suffer for it. If a liberal arts scholar wants to imitate a certain elder today, he wants to pursue a career path, or become an imperial teacher, he will not necessarily get a good death. Since the establishment of the current regime, there has always been a deep suspicion of intellectuals. Fifty years ago, he was the ninth old ninth. Later, he was barely counted as a working people. Now he is the target of the regime's focus. In short, it does not believe that intellectuals will sincerely submit to its rule, so intellectuals must continue to show loyalty in order to survive within its system. For those who take the initiative to ask Ying for ideological construction, it may not treat them favorably. If the authority of the supreme leader covers the study of the party, the government, the ruler and the people, then intellectuals would be arrogant to do so: in the new era, it is impossible for intellectuals to be the highest "teacher".

Li Ao passed away a few days ago. I only saw two articles praising him, one was written by Laotian, a Maoist, the other was written by Zhou Xiaoping, and the rest were all negative. The group occasionally said a few words for him, all for the sake of childhood memories. I was indignant at first, but then I had a little sympathy for him: If a person has been a liberal for most of his life, he thought he would be immortal with his articles and deeds, and often boasted that he would wait until he died. At that time, most liberals expressed disdain, but some of the people he once despised the most came to sing praises to him. For intellectuals, I can't imagine a greater shame than this.

What does this show? This shows that despite the current situation, there is still a so-called "Taoism" within the intellectuals. Although this "Tao Tradition" is not the "Tao Tradition" that Confucianism says, it is not unrelated. Mencius said, "The rich and the noble cannot be promiscuous, the poor and the lowly cannot be moved, and the mighty cannot be subdued." This is the Taoism of Chinese intellectuals, which transcends the superficial label of national power and faction. I don't know if this will make some intellectual friends who feel nihilistic about the status quo feel better. I may be a little "pedantic" in this regard: I still believe in keeping my "integrity", or "integrity of personality" , which can bring strength to itself.

What if you can keep your "humour"? Will there be a good return? Judging from historical experience, I am not very optimistic about the future of China in 20 to 30 years, and even the future of the world in 20 to 30 years. As for us personally, this is how I see it: in such an era when even the fate of the country is extremely uncertain, it is even more difficult for individuals to escape the mercy of "luck". Therefore, the more you value external gains and losses, the more miserable you will be; on the contrary, the more you can look at problems from yourself, the more you can "not feel sorry for yourself". This is also a little teaching from Mencius, that is, the so-called cultivation of "Heavenly Jue", not "Human Jue", the former is within your own control, the latter is beyond your control. To keep one's integrity is to cultivate "Tian Jue". My junior brother Liu Manxin often said that in a decent world, it is necessary to live a decent life, which is also what I mean.

This is not to say that we have to resort to a sense of "positive liberty," as Berlin puts it—"the bastions of retreat to the inner world." From another point of view, our generation, although there may not be a good outcome in the end, we are witnessing a very extraordinary history, not the history of the great rejuvenation of the Chinese nation as officially said, but the existing The history of the collapse and reconstruction of the national order and the world order. What is the process of reconstruction, whether there are any heroes emerging, what is the result of reconstruction, and what kind of reorganization of existing values will be carried out at the level of order, we are completely unpredictable. Such a piece of history was originally worthy of the greatest minds to participate in and record, but the official is very vigilant against such articles and works, so many excellent scholars within the system have no way to publish their observations and analysis, but some outside the system Intellectuals have all the conditions and obligations to record, interpret and create. Some people say that I don't understand those grand theories at all and can't provide any valuable observations. In fact, what is "valuable observation", we cannot determine in advance. The ordinary or unusual encounters of some ordinary people can also be excellent academic or creative material in certain contexts. On the other hand, in fact, the theoretical weapons possessed by intellectuals are of great power in this era. They are not only tools for your analysis and interpretation, but can also have a strong impact on people's minds. In this regard, intellectuals working in the system can also silently carry out some theoretical work that is integrated with reality without publishing it.

A few days ago, I read the correspondence between my younger brother Laifu (sorry, I have so many excellent younger brothers) and his readers. He said that neither love nor self-realization can solve modern people's desire for "meaning". Assumed. I have been tirelessly promoting "making sense of your life without eternal love" on my official account, and I also encourage readers to connect with more other intrinsic values, because true "self-realization" is not "realization" self", but "the blending of the self with some value". Without those "objective" values, the "self" itself cannot create any meaning, and it may not even be clear who I am. I've said this before, and what I haven't said is that in such a difficult time, if you want to use your inner values to gain a strong "mind", you may need to dedicate yourself to one of these inner values. The higher the level of investment you are, the stronger your "mind power", the richer the level and history of this intrinsic value, the more prosperous your "mind power" will be.

What does it mean to "dedicate yourself to an intrinsic value"? For example, before going to bed last night, I saw an article written by Wang Xiaozhe. Xiaozhe is one of my readers. He just graduated from Cambridge with a master's degree and is working on women's rights in a non-profit organization in Guangzhou. He is the third man I know who wholeheartedly identifies with feminists, besides Manxin and Santu. The last time Tian Fangmeng wrote "What's Wrong with Feminists?" ”, he justified in responding to an article “What’s wrong with anti-feminists? ",left a deep impression on me. Xiaozhe said in last night's article that their organization has always adhered to the concept of "feminism" to provide public services, but because of this wave of smearing feminism, many of the things they are doing now do not dare to easily call "feminism". "In the name of "Coldplay Lab", after the article "Coldplay Lab" came out, a donor asked him the reason, and he explained it painstakingly for more than an hour, still wondering if he could keep the little donation.

However, such an excellent feminist only earns more than 4,000 salary a month. In the future, the repression that feminism will face will be even more severe. It is difficult for ordinary people to understand. Why didn't he do something else as a graduate of a prestigious school? Although I often joke that my paper is much better than some nationally funded paper, why am I not getting any funding? But compared to Xiaozhe's dedication to feminism, I think my dedication to academics is nothing. The spiritual satisfaction obtained from the devotion to the cause itself is our greatest reward. It is this sense of meaning that supports him tirelessly doing various chores in a small institution, and also supports me in the heavy teaching work. Clearance, write articles about cervical spondylosis attack.

When I was young, I always imagined that I would live such a poor life, but I only imagined that I would live this life with someone. If you have some kind of public cause or intrinsic value that you are willing to dedicate to, and you have a soul mate by your side, then you really don't have to worry about being "stretched." Many people look at the signature of my official account and think that I completely deny the value of love, but it is not. I have never denied that high-quality love can provide people with spiritual support, but at the moment, love is not only easy to become a "sanctuary for mediocre people" as Mr. Liu Yu said, but in many cases, it can't afford people so much high expectations. Providing "mindpower" or consuming "mindpower", in my opinion, the latter may appear more frequently.

This involves the drawbacks brought about by the way I maintain my "mind". I went to Chiang Mai during the Spring Festival. Before leaving, I had a big quarrel with Alfalfa, who I have known for 14 years. She said that when you were in college, you were very good at talking to people and talking to ghosts (I really forgot that I had such a time), I once thought that you were much more savvy than me in terms of human life, why are you changing now like this? Why do others become more human the older they get, while you become more and more like a robot? She attributed all this to my academic work, saying that I was obsessed and had forgotten what life was like. We quarreled because of this, of course it didn't matter.

Aside from her values, and the third-rate books she introduced me to (hopefully I'll get rid of my academic delusions after reading it), her observations are correct. I did become more and more reticent, even in front of friends I've known for years, but not for the same reason as she said. In the past, when I met friends that I could talk to, I had a lot of things to talk about, but now there are fewer. One of the reasons is that my writing ability has improved and the audience has also increased. I am envious of a type of friend whose every speech on WeChat is a long speech, and the wording is so neat that it can become the text of an official article with almost no corrections. I am just the opposite. My speech on WeChat is similar to small talk in reality. Most of the time, I am silent. If I speak, it is often intermittent. This is because my opinions that can be expressed systematically have basically been written into articles, and the less systematic ones have also been written in the circle of friends. In my opinion, if something is said well, it should be known by more people, and if it is not well said, it should not be said. I can accept other people ramble in front of me, but I can't do it myself.

Another reason is that I really don't have any "private things" to share. In the past, when I met with friends, I could also tell them about my recent relationship status. At that time, I was more affectionate, and there were few free windows, so the topic was endless. Right now, I don't have any love life, because I think doing academics is more interesting than those things. To put it a bit harsher, sometimes I date some people, and I am not as happy as I teach students. There are some absurd things that do happen to me, but after I express it once, I don't feel the need to say it again. In this regard, I lack the spirit of Huang Zihua. I used to watch him do "Dong Duxiao", and he toured many times in each episode. The same joke was repeated over and over again, and everyone listened with great interest. Now, I can repeat the reasons for the Civil War many times over and over, but I will definitely not say my own nonsense more than three times.

One last reason, and one worth reflecting on: If what you're doing is too meaningful, it can also weaken your patience for everyday life. In the past few weeks, I worked around the clock to write an academic paper. First, I spent a week reading several reference materials (I had a certain reading accumulation on that topic), and then for about ten days, I used the free time to commute to get off work. Documents, such as the time to take the subway, code words bit by bit, and the final draft is about 22,000 words. After I finished writing, the satisfaction lasted for a day or two, and then there was a strong emptiness, because I had to go back to "daily life" again, and there was no new topic to evoke my "brainstorm" for the time being. In January, I wrote five articles, and I was in this state for a month in a row. At that time, I even felt that other things in my life were not important. If I was not allowed to write, I would quit my job. When would I expect to speak to ordinary people? That's about when they can provide me with some new writing material.

My life is probably like this, and maybe there is something that some people envy, but I think most people may avoid it. Not only do they avoid such a state, they may also avoid me.