Memoirs of a Loser 01: Breakthrough

On Sunday, March 22, 1970, I sat uneasily in the Shenzhen departure hall. The border guards took my "Returning Home Introduction Letter" and went inside to approve it. It has been more than an hour. Will it let me go back to Hong Kong, or will I be forced to stay and experience an unknown future? Fate is pending.

The "Introduction to Hometown" is a necessary procedure for Hong Kong people to go to the mainland. At the time of entry, Chinese border inspection officers write a "return home introduction letter" for each passenger who holds a Hong Kong ID card, and fill in information including the place to go, origin, occupation in Hong Kong, etc. After arriving at the destination, they must Go to the nearby Public Security Bureau to have a seal stamped for registration, and before leaving, you should also stamp a departure stamp. Go to the departure hall of the border guard and show the introduction book with two stamps to the border guards. The introduction book can be taken back. I left the country and went back to Hong Kong. This has been the case since the founding of the CCP. At that time, my wife was teaching in Shenzhen, and I went back to visit my wife and daughter once a week or two for more than ten years.

However, after I entered the country as usual the day before, I encountered difficulties when reporting to the Shenzhen Public Security Bureau. The clerk told me that I should go back to my hometown to report to the new club. I said that I have no relatives and no address in my country of origin. He said that the new regulations are like this, and then signed the introduction letter "return to my country of origin to apply for the household registration", and said that I would not be stamped with the seal of departure, but I had to return to my country of origin to be stamped. I explained and argued again and again, but he ignored it. And he is not a newcomer, he has always done it before, and there is no problem. Obviously this is a new rule, no one knew there would be, nor was there any advance notification. It's useless to say anything to him.

How do I go back to my hometown? What is the country of origin? where to live? Where to go to the public security bureau to stamp? Without relatives and no reason, will you cover me? I thought about it all night; I decided to go to the Shenzhen departure office the next day to see if I could leave the country. So, came here. When the border guards saw my introduction book, they immediately said that they want you to report and cancel at your place of origin! I said I don't know why this happens. I have come and gone many times, and the defense personnel here have recognized me. He thought about it for a while, then said, sit down first, and I'll go in and check. In this way, he has been in for more than an hour, and I waited, thinking about the various situations that would happen: Will they refuse to let me leave? Where will I be taken for review? Arrest and send to jail? Or will it be worse?

The night before, when my wife waited for me to go home, she told me that the school’s revolutionary committee would quarantine her for review, and said that a Hong Konger was shot there two days ago because he had wrapped some things in a Hong Kong reactionary newspaper. It was brought back and accused of carrying out counter-revolutionary propaganda. Listen to him as a hawker. His wife looked solemn. Soon Red Guards came to take her away. I watched through the night and decided to break through the next day.

Sitting in the departure hall, after more than an hour, I sorted out my thoughts. I felt that I was in a hurry. It was useless to be troubled by the future that I could not grasp. Only by watching how things developed can I know my destiny and adapt. I began to think that I am 34 years old, about 14 years old, and I was led by the ideals of socialism and patriotism. I always thought that I should be a person with ideals, instead of being a sloppy, mediocre person that I despise. Inaction. The ideals I believe in have not been questioned and tested by reality in the past 20 years, but I always find reasons to justify what happened in China and convince myself not to give up and persist. But the reality is that I have grown up in the left-wing cultural circle. I have been editing and writing for more than ten years, and have been recognized for my achievements and status; especially, the "70s" monthly magazine, which has just been published, is also widely popular in Hong Kong and overseas. The Chinese welcome, it is the beginning stage of the business. Although I am not a member of the CCP organization, I am very close to the CCP leader in Hong Kong. If I could go back to Hong Kong, I would still not be able to escape working and writing in leftist cultural circles. And what if the wife is imprisoned, even convicted, or even killed? What about my two young daughters?

Am I going to turn my back on my stubborn ideas for what happened to me?

(Article published on April 21, 2021)

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 ("Memoirs of a Loser" was previously published in "Apple Daily" and is now serialized in Matters)