Take A Chance With Me

The night before (6.1) is the last day to confirm school admission. I walked out of the UCI parking lot alone and silently confirmed that this is where I will live for the next two years. It's been extraordinarily cold in California this year, but the heavy night clouds didn't hide the full moon. I silently decided to go to this school, just like launching an aircraft to a distant galaxy, and I threw my hard-earned coins into the bottomless wishing well.

According to Buddhism, everything has a cause and effect. Planting a good cause will bear good fruits in the future time and space. But in the middle of cause and effect, there is an unbreakable gap. You know, our generation is not very happy. When all the glitz and glamor of the world is played out on my digital screen, I also feel bleak.

Facing the noncommittal gap between cause and effect, anxiety has become my habit. When I submitted my application in November, I didn't even know if I would be rejected by all schools. Faced with which school to choose, I searched the Internet for the different courses offered by the three schools, and compared the requirements of various graduate programs. For a small visa policy, I replied to the International Student Office more than a dozen emails.

Today (6.3) is my twenty-third birthday. At three in the morning, the painkillers finally kicked in, and my choice of college couldn't be changed. Now I'm typing this and weeping as my period pain subsides for a while.

My period is almost always at the beginning of every month. So every time I see the full moon, I silently prepare myself for the coming labor pains. I once said that pain is a recurrence of an old disease, not growth. But since puberty, my uterus has marked time with painful rhythms. After struggling for a long time, even the pain will adapt to the pain. The analgesic effect of ibuprofen has gradually become better than nothing for me.

In the middle of the night, I know I'm not crying just because of the pain. Best friends weren't supportive during my college decision, and my dad, unsurprisingly, had news that put me on the back burner. After digesting and letting go of the disappointment, three days before deciding on the university, I began to struggle with the choice of major because of visa issues.

I accept that life is a castle made of sand, but I am a layman and I don't want my efforts to go to waste. During my struggles over the past month, I have sat by the beach at midnight several times. The only person who supported my choice was my mother. She was on the other end of the phone and told me that everyone has a purpose in this world. Her voice traveled through the cables on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, and finally on the night of June 1, there were ten thousand doubts and a large blank. I told myself to follow my own feelings.

I stood on the ground in the parking lot and watched my decision fly away from the heights I could change again.