Taking stock of my differences with my father

1

During the Spring Festival this year, I stayed at my younger brother’s house in Zaoyang for two days. I had three meals with my father. I had a symbolic chat with him about the current situation and my father’s pension. He is 72 years old and gets a monthly pension. Rural pension of more than 100 yuan. During the Spring Festival in recent years, every time after chatting with my father, I want to write something and take stock of my differences with him. When I came back from shopping in the supermarket tonight and before bedtime, I suddenly wanted to write and use it at the dining table. I wrote on iPad for two hours. My thoughts were very chaotic and I only completed the following short paragraph:

 2007年上半年，我没有工作，窝在家里，在父亲的渔具店帮忙。我们在枣阳没有自己的房子，一家四口租住在廉价旅馆的两个单间。我和弟弟到了适婚年龄，都没有女朋友。一天中午，父亲在餐桌上感叹：“家里现在最要紧的是买房。”我心想买房固然重要，但更重要的难道不是家人之间的交流，比如谈论人生和理想。我对父亲说：“还有比买房更要紧的事情。”父亲惊讶地问：“是什么？”我猛然意识到和父亲谈论人生和理想是荒谬的，于是沉默。父亲追问：“到底是什么比买房更要紧？”我慌了神，开始支支吾吾，语无伦次。

2

The cold wave is coming again, and I am destined to get up late tomorrow. I will use the opportunity of going to bed late to continue taking stock of the differences between my father and me. The following case is not strictly a disagreement. In the final analysis, it is still a lack of communication. My father and I have lost the ability and desire to communicate with each other. This is more terrifying than any specific disagreement.

The cold wave before the Spring Festival was even more severe. My father took my nephew to Xiangyang for a few days, and then returned to Zaoyang with my mother. Heavy snow caused the high-speed train to be paralyzed. My parents and nephew were stranded at Xiangyang East Station for 7 hours and failed to make the trip. They spent 50 yuan to take a taxi back the same way and took a car the next day.

My father went to the bus station early in the morning to inquire about the news, confirmed that there was a shuttle bus back to Zaoyang, and left after lunch. At the dinner table, my father asked me if bus No. 23 was a circular line. I didn’t know how to answer. I live near the Minfa Plaza on Hangkong Road. My father took the 515 bus to the bus station and the 23 bus back. When he came back, the direction was reversed. Fortunately, the bus station was very close to the end of the 23 bus. The bus went around in a circle. Returning to the right direction, the driver did not let my father pay the fare. Bus No. 23 runs from the bus station to Wanda Plaza and then to Qilihe terminal. This section of the road is circuitous, but it only accounts for a small part of the total operating routes. We cannot judge that No. 23 is a circular line based on this. My father is not familiar with Xiangyang. I couldn't explain these details to him.

I suggested taking my parents and nephew to the bus station and asking them to wait for me while I cleaned the kitchen. My father insisted not to let me send him away and dragged his luggage away. About 5 minutes later, I went out to catch up and saw their backs from a distance on the east side of Minfa Square. My father was walking in front, as if he was about to cross the road, and was waiting for the red light. I shouted loudly, ran to my father quickly, and asked him where he was going. My father said to go to the other side of the road and take the No. 23 bus. I said it was wrong. No need. Cross the road and take the bus here.

My father was drunk and his eyes were bloodshot. He was a little confused and said that when he came back from the bus station, he got off the bus on the opposite side of the road. Since Route 23 is a circular line, he should get off where he got off. I felt angry and sad, and suddenly I understood why my father cared about whether Route 23 was a circular line. He was not sure where to get on the bus and was too embarrassed to ask directly, so he could only find out in a roundabout way. Circular lines also have directions. My father was full of mysterious confidence and took his family to run in the wrong direction. If he got on the bus on the opposite side of the road, he might take it all the way to Dongjin New District, ten kilometers away, and there would be no need to return to Zaoyang that day.

3

During the Spring Festival that just passed, I was chatting with my father after dinner and talked about my character. My father believed that it was my character that caused me to wander around in the workplace and eventually ended up as a middle-aged unemployed person with no security in life. "Character is destiny," my father said firmly. I do not deny that I have character flaws, which largely contributed to my setbacks in the workplace. However, my father only saw my character and could not understand my career pursuits and struggles.

As early as nearly 20 years ago, at the Spring Festival dinner table, my father taught me: "Don't change jobs frequently, just have a job. It doesn't matter what you do. As an ordinary person, the most important thing is to make a living." How could he treat a 20-year-old How many years old do young people say such things? My father's snobbery and short-sightedness had a serious negative impact on me and lowered the upper limit of my life.

I have a cousin who never graduated from high school, has no serious job, and is addicted to online games. My cousin made a fortune through game-related business, but lost it all and still owed tens of thousands in debt. The debt collection call came to my uncle's house. When my father heard about it, he gave me a shocking suggestion: "Sever ties with him!"

He doesn't quite understand his father's brain circuit. As long as the next generation is "ineffective" or even dissatisfied with him, his first reaction is to cut off the relationship. During the Lantern Festival more than 20 years ago, I invited my college classmates to my house for dinner. My mother was busy in the kitchen. My classmates and I went shopping and visited his high school alma mater. We didn’t come home until dark and missed the meal time. My father was furious. Cut off ties with me and stop me from going to school.

My cousin’s marriage was once a hot topic within the family, and it was also a topic that my father and I would discuss at the Spring Festival dinner table. Our views were diametrically opposed and irreconcilable. I still can't forgive my father for his violent remarks against my cousin. I am accustomed to his snobbery and short-sightedness, but I still underestimated the cruelty of his remarks.

My cousin is over 30 years old and has failed many blind dates. It looks like he will be a bachelor for the rest of his life. I emphasized that the gender imbalance caused by the one-child policy is the underlying reason why it is difficult for my cousin to get married. My father disagreed: "It doesn't matter if there are more boys than girls. Are you afraid that you won’t be able to find a wife if you have the ability?” Someone introduced a second-married woman to his cousin, but he refused. His father commented: “You still won’t agree? By then, you won’t even be able to find a third-married woman!”

Marriage is one's own business, and no one else has the right to interfere. My father feels that as an elder, he has the obligation to worry about his cousin's marriage, and what he said is also for his cousin's good. I reminded my father that he didn't really care about his cousin. If he couldn't help, it would be the best thing for him to stay away from his cousin.

During the Spring Festival this year, my cousin’s marriage was not mentioned by my father and I for the first time. After all, we were only chatting symbolically.

4

During the Spring Festival when the COVID-19 epidemic broke out, I was with my father. He stayed in front of the TV to track the epidemic data, and I browsed overseas media over the wall. We had a wonderful conversation.

"Chris Buckley, a reporter from the New York Times, is coming to Wuhan."

"Of course he wants to see the excitement. With Wuhan in such chaos, he must be extremely happy."

I said that Chu Bailiang rushed to the scene regardless of his personal safety to fulfill his duties as a journalist. He would not be happy because of the suffering in Wuhan. My father dismissed my statement and I was furious. My father's ignorance is outrageous. He has lived in the county town for most of his life and claims to have seen the world, but in essence he is still a villager with only an elementary school education.

My father has been watching CCTV for a long time. In the era when print media was prosperous, he subscribed to Chutian Metropolis Daily for several years. Little did he know that official newspapers and TV were poisonous, and the more people watched it, the stupider they became. My father does not believe that American journalists will really care about the epidemic in China. In my rural hometown, some people will gloat because of a fire in their enemy's house. If there is a fire in their own home, their enemies will definitely gloat. This is my father's indestructible logic.

Almost a year after the Russian-Ukrainian war broke out, my father and I were chatting at the Spring Festival dinner table. I said that Putin was Russia’s sinner. He brazenly launched a war of aggression and isolated himself from the international community, making the lives of the Russian people even more difficult. However, my father spoke highly of Putin, saying that thanks to him on this earth, the United States does not dare to do whatever it wants.

My father's strong hatred of the United States should be attributed to the official media. Unfortunately, he could not distinguish between friend and foe and hated the wrong people. The years when his fishing gear business was most prosperous were the honeymoon period of Sino-US relations. He made money in everything he did. The whole country is filled with optimism. Later, the conflict between China and the United States, the outbreak of the COVID-19 epidemic, and the collapse of all industries, and the official "fishing ban" directly killed his father's business. Long before the situation was cleared, he had experienced the increasing efforts of fishery law enforcement officials.

My father and I talked about the recently re-elected people's leader. My father said that he was also for the good of this country. No leader doesn't want to do a good job for his country. According to his father's absurd logic, Hitler was for the good of Germany, Stalin was for the good of the Soviet Union, and of course Kim Jong-un was also for the good of North Korea.

"You were brainwashed by CCTV."

"You have been brainwashed by the United States. Don't talk about politics all day long, but first find a way to live your own life."

5

There was not enough space at home, so my nephew and I stayed in a hotel in front of our house for four days. On the third day at around 9 pm, my father suddenly visited the hotel room. Apparently he found my room number at the front desk. I was a little annoyed and didn’t understand why he Don't call me.

My father and I sat face to face at the dinner table for three consecutive days, each engrossed in eating without any substantive communication. We both knew each other's character and did not want to make excuses for nothing and bring trouble to ourselves. He came uninvited tonight because he wanted to ask me if I still need my mother's help after the Spring Festival. I took the opportunity to have a pleasant chat with him. My father was sitting on the mini sofa by the window. I stood in front of the window, staring out the window, facing my father sideways the whole time. While we were chatting, I broke out completely. My attitude was unprecedentedly tough. I ordered my father to be kicked out more than once. He finally got angry and left without saying a word. My 9-year-old nephew was sitting at the desk watching anime series on my iPad, unaffected by my conversation with my father.

After her daughter was born, her mother stayed in Xiangyang most of the time, helping to cook and take care of her granddaughter. Her father lived in his younger brother's house in Zaoyang, and without his mother to cook, he was very pitiful and often ordered takeout alone. My younger brother has two children, and my mother has to cook for six people in Zaoyang. I don’t want her to cook for so many people, but my parents don’t have their own house, so my mother is naturally responsible for cooking for the whole family no matter where she lives. heavy responsibility.

I made it clear to my father that it was up to my mother whether she came to Xiangyang or not. She could come if she wanted. The room would be reserved for her and I would sleep on the sofa. I said that I didn’t need my mother to be a nanny. She was older and could cook for two less people in Xiangyang, which was relatively easy.

My father was very dissatisfied with my attitude and said that the key is to take good care of the child. I said that you don’t need to worry about it. Taking care of my daughter is my business. In the past, you and my mother took care of me. Now it is my turn to take care of my own child. You don’t have to worry about my next generation. My father was so angry that I couldn’t speak.

I changed the subject and asked my father if he had sold the house in his hometown. He said that he had sold it for 30,000 yuan and saved the money. In the autumn of the year before last, I learned from my mother that my father was selling his house. The buyer was a neighbor in the same village. The old house was soon demolished and a new house was built on the site. The neighbor's son needed the house to get married.

I lived in the old house for more than ten years and left when I went to college. I left behind many memories. I can’t forgive my father for selling the house without a word, causing me to completely lose my hometown. But it’s also my fault for living like a wild dog. Only then will I miss a hometown that no longer exists.

The old house was built in 1985 or 1986. It is a three-room bungalow facing north and south. The living room is in the middle, with bedrooms and storage rooms on both sides. There are four rooms in total. Behind the living room is a staircase leading to the roof, which serves as an accessory building. The kitchen of the building is located on the west side and is a low tiled house. My father spent nearly 10,000 yuan on building the house and had no extra money for decoration. We lived in a rough house for several years. The rough houses of that era were very primitive, with hard soil on the ground. Only my parents' room had a cement floor. My father's fishing gear business had just started, and building a house took a huge toll on him. He had difficulty with cash flow for many years, and had to borrow money from relatives when renovating the house. In 1998, our family celebrated the Chinese New Year in the old house for the last time. No one ever went back, and the old house remained vacant for a long time and became a dilapidated haunted house.

My father and I are both passers-by in this world. We should not miss the house we lived in. The land belongs to the state. All my father has is the right to use the homestead. When a person dies, his rights automatically disappear. My brother and I bought a house in the city. Our household registration has been moved out of the countryside. We cannot hold or inherit the homestead in our hometown. Selling the house is a rational choice for my father, but I think he has an obligation to tell me.

6

When my father was 65 years old, he received a rural pension of about 70 yuan per month. He despised this money and never drew it. My father had good expectations for the future. On the eve of the Spring Festival in 2018, he made a very bold decision to spend more than 300,000 in cash to purchase goods, thinking that if he worked for a few more years, he would not have to worry about pensions.

2018 was a turning point. Many factors at the macro and micro levels caused my father's fishing gear business to start to shrink. In 2019, Zaoyang suffered a severe drought, which made my father's business even worse. It was even worse in 2020. The fishing gear shop did not open for two months and goods piled up in the warehouse. Here, my father's retirement plan was disrupted.

The old father still leaves early and comes home late every day, working hard at a fishing tackle shop that makes no money. How can there be any retirement? Holding on is everything.

"That money is not as good as buying a house? You and your mother are old and should have your own house. 300,000 is enough to buy a second-hand house in the county."

"If you don't buy goods, what are you going to sell? You studied economics, but you know nothing about my business. Don't worry about me."

"We don't have to worry about each other, so there's nothing to say. You can go and get some rest early."

In the evening, my father drank a lot of liquor and was in a state of mild or moderate alcoholism. He was unresponsive to my fierce words. He was like a defeated rooster, clinging to the mini sofa and refusing to leave. I talked about his pension.

"It's so unfair! What can you buy with more than 100 per month? Your pension is a fig leaf for the country, it's better than nothing."

"The country is not rich yet, so it is impossible for everyone to receive a few thousand yuan."

"This country is very rich, but the problem is that no matter how rich they are, they won't give it to you because you are not important."

My father used his trump card and advised me to find a way to live my own life first. I was fed up with his words and said, "I can't live my life well until that person dies!"

Unfortunately, the great people's leader was shot while lying down.

7

My father invited me to celebrate the New Year at my brother’s house in Zaoyang, saying we were having a lot of fun together, but I was not in the mood to celebrate the New Year, and I didn’t need any false excitement. My father didn't understand that he couldn't invite me on my brother's behalf, and it would be cruel to point this out to him. My parents supported my brother and I in buying a house, but their attitude towards owning our own house in the twilight years of our lives was extremely negative: “Why buy a house? Who knows how many years we have left to live?”

I still went to Zaoyang. As long as my parents are still alive, I cannot avoid celebrating the New Year with them. I took my wife and daughter with me and arrived at my brother's house on the evening of the 29th of the twelfth lunar month. My mother prepared a sumptuous dinner. On the afternoon of the first day of the first lunar month, I hurriedly fled Zaoyang alone and said goodbye to my father at the gate of Country Garden Community in the south of Erqiaotou. My wife and daughter stayed in Zaoyang until the eighth day of the first lunar month. My daughter wanted to eat the food cooked by her grandma.

Throughout the first month of the year, I was taking stock of my differences with my father, and I had to write while the iron was hot, otherwise I might never get the chance.