those unspoken words

Remember when I was in kindergarten, during the day, it should be the afternoon, I was on the balcony, holding my cheeks and thinking, who am I and why was I born?

I found out later that this was an unanswered question and didn't think about it any further.

Now that I grow up, I just have to live by passion, and it feels really good to find things I like to do, books and movies I like to read.

When I was in kindergarten, my classmates were very keen to use nicknames for other classmates to make fun of and hate.

A female classmate said that my surname was Lin, and she took my surname apart and changed it into Mumu XX (my name). She called me like this a few times, and I didn't respond, so I didn't see her and made fun of me again.

At the moment, I thought to myself, this nickname is so lame, lame makes me speechless and has no feeling, why can I say such nonsense words.

At that time, I thought, I should not be so boring and suffocated.

Because my parents were busy, they handed me over to my aunt to take care of me, who had not yet entered kindergarten.

Once I fell and my aunt started hitting the floor.

Says: Floor rascal, made you fall.

At that time, I was already full of question marks. It was me who fell, why was the floor beaten? Does the floor feel? Hit the floor so I won't fall again next time?

This is called shirking responsibility. It turned out that I was instilled with this concept since I was a child, but at that time I was very conscious and knew that this was unreasonable, so I was not brainwashed.

And now that I'm grown up, I write it out to make fun of it. The world is so wonderful, how could I have thought when I was a child that I would write about it here again in a few years.

At that time I was just quiet, even a little happy, knowing that someone still cared about me. I still care about whether anyone cares about me, because I find myself very lacking in attention, and I can float to the sky with a compliment from others.

This has always been the case from the past to the present. Many things have been seen through but not revealed. It may be that I have already imagined the consequences of speaking out, and I am too lazy to reason.

It's my aunt again, but it's not such a stupid thing as hitting the floor.

After she coaxed me to sleep, she would leave, and when I woke up, I would cry.

It's very strange, I didn't react that way to my parents, I didn't want to go to my parents when I woke up, but to my aunt. I don't know if my mother will feel sad about this.

Now I can't remember how much I depended on my aunt back then.

But when I grew up, my aunt and I stopped being close. Maybe she got married, and I grew up and didn't need to be looked after.

I couldn't go home for Chinese New Year this year, only my parents and my second brother were at home.

One day I called to chat with my second brother. He said that my aunt came to the house during the New Year and asked if you had come back. He said you had better not come back.

I know that the epidemic is raging now, but what is the point of coming to my house and saying this?

My relatives are very surprised. I went home in April last year. When the epidemic first broke out, I had to go back at that time, because if I didn’t go back, I would be renting a house by myself. It was miserable. I'm a student, and I've all gone home. If I don't go home, I really feel like I'm dying in a rented house.

When I got home, I also self-quarantined, and then went for a PCR test. My relatives and friends have already convicted me after seeing me - "people who have been on a plane are likely to be infected", sent me a bunch of news about being infected on the plane, and then asked me if my plane was this trips (news never says airlines and flights, ask me how would I know?)

It's an exaggeration to say that everything I touch has to be sanitized.

I was very speechless. I went back to my home, but I was made irresponsible. I didn't just walk around, but only went home when it was necessary.

It's a very bad feeling, I don't like it very much, but my family is relatively calm. The second brother cooks for me every day, and sets the plate, haha, it is my little luck during the quarantine.

I don't like my relatives. The older I get, the more I can't understand why I always cried to my aunt when I was young.

Is it bad to find brother hahaha. Although I used to bully me a lot when I was young, but when I grew up, they treated me well, not as good as they hurt me, but usually they would agree to whatever I asked for, for example, they would let me choose which piece of fried rice I want chicken.

Actually, that's what I want to do, stay away from what I don't like, and discern who is nice to me. Heck, when it comes to safe havens, home with family is best.

I'm almost home oh, in November.