Dialogue with vibrating egg designers｜"Women should take full responsibility for their orgasms"

1.

The moment I opened my boyfriend's gift, I was stunned—in the pink box lay a vibrating egg.

I blushed and sent a WeChat message to my boyfriend, "This is the surprise you said???"

"Do you like it?" The boyfriend replied, "I hope it can bring you happiness for me when I'm not around you."

Two years ago, I was in love with a long-distance boyfriend. One day he suddenly said that he bought me a gift online, which was a new work of a friend.

"What is it?" I asked; he smiled mysteriously, "You will know when you receive it."

I've always been sexually liberal, but that gift still took me by surprise. It was the first time I had such a close contact with a sexy gift. I picked it up carefully, put it in my hand, and observed it carefully.

In terms of appearance, it is cute. Palm-sized and shaped like a bird, the outermost silicone coat feels astringent and comfortable, and the main color of gouache makes it look gentle and pleasant. I pressed the switch, and it vibrated, making my palms itch.

That night, I started the journey of exploring sex toys for the first time in my life.

I turned off the light, lay on the bed, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, stretched my hand into the bed, and pressed the switch of the vibrating egg; soon, it licked my body violently, and in just a few tens of seconds, I gained An almost out-of-control thrill.

Turning off the vibrator, I looked at the ceiling and fell into shock—for the first time in my life, I felt a kind of happiness that didn’t cost me anything.

Making love can give people an orgasm, but the orgasm brought by a vibrating egg is simpler and more pure-it has nothing to do with love, it has nothing to do with emotion, it is only related to sex.

It does not require you to pay for a series of foreplay time costs such as kissing, hugging, and touching when having sex with the opposite sex, and it will not bring about a series of negative consequences such as pain, pregnancy, and injury. It only wants to use the most direct and naked , and a safe way to let women get the most violent pleasure in the shortest time.

That kind of happiness has so much to teach us.

It forces you to reflect, why should women be ashamed of being happy? Why are women labeled "sluts" for their sexual pleasure? Why are women always in the roles of dedication, sacrifice, grievance, and cooperation in sexual narratives?

What is it that takes women's sexual pleasure so easily and plunders so wildly?

Perhaps, not only sex, not only women, in the oriental context, the word "happiness" naturally carries a derogatory connotation of indulgence and depravity. We have been taught to delay gratification since we were young; we have to endure hardships in order to be the best; we have to achieve something in order to get something.

Our happiness is always conditional.

2.

I therefore wanted to find the person who made the vibrating eggs. I really want to know, why did they develop vibrating eggs? What difficulties did they encounter in selling Tiaodan? How do they face those voices they don't understand?

I opened the search engine, entered the brand name on the Tiaodan packaging bag, and quickly found its design consultant, Wu Xiaopiao, through numerous reports.

In the photo, Wu Xiaopiao has short hair and a bright smile, looking confident and determined.

Unlike most Chinese girls, Wu Xiaopiao grew up in an environment free of sexual stigma. Because my mother is a doctor, there have been many human anatomy magazines in my family since I was a child. The sexual organs from the family's perspective are just parts of the body. During the entire growth process, she was the one with the most healthy, correct and abundant sex knowledge among her classmates and friends.

In 2001, she went to study in the UK and repeatedly saw the same sexy lingerie brand in different neighborhoods; she walked into the store and found many female erotic products in the store. She observed that the British girls who came to hang out in the store took these sex toys in their hands to compare and choose without any abnormality, and excitedly shared their purchasing experience and experience with their peers. She has always been lax about sex, and soon became one of them.

Toys make her happy, and she wants to share this happiness with more people. She collects different types of sex toys and gives them to friends as gifts when she returns home.

But friends often reply, "How does this thing work?" "I'm not single, why do I need to use this?"

Knowing the lack of sex toys and related knowledge in China, in 2007, she quit her job at a top domestic public relations company to start an e-commerce brand and sell sex toys online. At the same time, she became the first toy tester in China. Yes, there was no such occupation in China in the past.

Starting from a female perspective, she analyzed the appearance, design, material, sound, and whether it is waterproof, etc., and wrote an evaluation report on the characteristics, advantages and disadvantages, and whether it matches the body of each sex toy, and published it on the Internet. Women Buy Reference, also in the process, provides body knowledge and sex education.

In the past ten years, she has written thousands of evaluation reports.

With more and more clients available, she gradually discovered that the "sexual problems" faced by many women do not originate from the body, but are rooted in the psychology. So, she took the exam for the certificate of psychological counselor, went to the California Institute of Integrative Psychology to study "human sexuality" and applied psychology as a graduate student, and participated in mindfulness courses at the University of California, Berkeley and Oxford University. In 2015, she started a new attempt - an offline training camp for gender relations, to solve psychological confusion for more women, and promote self-acceptance and positive interaction between partners.

She has counseled at least 30,000 women over the past few years.

At the peak of her career, she has been interviewed by hundreds of media, and even received official endorsement to become a director of the Chinese Society of Sexuality.

3.

As a reporter, it is not difficult to find Wu Xiaopiao's WeChat account with the help of the Internet.

Opening the friend application column, I carefully filled out my self-introduction and interview invitation, and sent them over.

I am confident that she will accept my interview - an early report on Wu Xiaopiao mentioned that she had taken the initiative to email various media, inviting reporters to come and interview to spread sexual knowledge.

However, that friend request was not approved.

I found her company's official WeChat account again, and left a message in the background to invite an interview.

Still no reply.

I didn't want to give up. Thinking that she was my boyfriend's friend, I wrote an interview invitation letter of nearly a thousand words and asked my boyfriend to help forward it.

This time, she finally agreed to be interviewed. "I like your sincerity," she said.

I was immersed in the excitement of finally being able to talk to Xiaopiao, and I didn't have time to analyze her sudden change of attitude towards the media. I have been looking forward to this interview for two years, and I look forward to working with her to produce high-quality content and change more women.

It did not disappoint me at all. Wu Xiaopiao used her years of professional knowledge and consulting experience to give me a rethinking perspective; however, as the interview deepened, some of the more touching ones, which had never been exposed to the media, had reached their career peaks. The story began to unfold: the environment shrunk sharply, and the sex education program she had painstakingly produced was suddenly taken off the shelves; both internally and externally, she suffered from depression, insomnia and anxiety, and took medicine to control her body and mind; Refusing to show up in public, putting aside worldly affairs, and traveling to remote places; in the vast world, she shattered all of herself, constantly questioning herself, is the success in the past due to her own ability or the general trend? And how much of her insistence on the sex business is to help others, and how much is out of the need to prove herself?

"That's why I refused the interview," she said sincerely. "The old values ​​seem to have been overturned, but the new value system has not yet been established. I don't know what else I can export now."

Between old and new, the interview is complete. It records a woman who once made great strides forward in the trend of sexual thoughts, her thoughts on sex after she stopped, and her true confession of her own growth. Some things were overturned, but some things survived . This may represent that some solid values ​​have their own truth; some surging waves are also difficult to be blocked and reversed.

The following is our conversation, I hope it will be helpful to you.

Facing sex, without crying out for liberation, and without repression

Question: In your interview, you mentioned that "there is no negative guidance on sex since childhood" and "living in an environment without sexual repression" - I am actually surprised that your family seems to have avoided the traditional Chinese context. family narrative.
Were sexual desires always fully accepted while you were growing up? Ever feel ashamed about sex for a moment?

Answer: Because my mother is a doctor, I have been exposed to mannequins since I was a child, and I knew from a very young age that sexual organs are just different parts of the human body, and naturally there is no shame in facing sex.

But my parents were definitely not open-minded people.

Our family faced sex very plainly and naturally, neither open nor suppressed.

In fact, in China, it would be a good thing if sex education can be carried out in a peaceful manner, but the society always goes to two extremes, either very repressed, or clamoring for liberation.

Is excessive sexual liberation a good thing? Some people lack sexual knowledge themselves, and many large-scale content will hurt and impact TA, and TA does not know how to deal with and accept it.

In the face of performance, you can't talk about depression and liberation first, can you just treat it as a normal thing?

Question: I always feel that being able to "regard sex as a normal thing" in China is a kind of liberation. After all, we have been imprisoned by Confucian culture for thousands of years. We regard restraining desires as self-cultivation, and openly talking about sex as impolite. Sexual issues It has always been regarded as a moral taboo.

The same is true in modern times. For example, I clearly feel the "internalization" of sexual shame in my own family education. When I was a child, I watched TV with my parents, and as soon as they saw a kissing scene, the family would immediately change the channel. At that moment, you knew that sexual issues were not allowed to be discussed.

A: There needs to be a sense of boundary between parents and children, especially when it comes to sexual issues, the two parties cannot cross the boundary. Parents can be intimate in front of their children, but not too much, it has nothing to do with sexual liberation, it is a psychological boundary.

But sex shouldn't be taboo either. My mother is a doctor, so she has relatively correct knowledge about sex since she was a child; her way of expressing emotions to me is also very natural, and the environment at home is very relaxed and peaceful.

It can be said that my attitude towards sex is not learned, but cultivated by the atmosphere.

I may be "ashamed" when talking about sex with my parents, but I won't be "ashamed".

I think "shame" is good, but "shame" means that we have sexual depression deep in our hearts, and we need to open it up slowly.

In fact, it’s okay without such a family atmosphere. Adults can learn about sex in various ways and correct their attitudes towards sex.

Everything can start now if you want.

Sex is not just about sex

Question: What is a better attitude towards sex?

A: When it comes to sex, people may think of sexual behavior, but in foreign countries, sex is called "Human Sexuality" (Human Sexuality), which covers multiple dimensions of medicine, psychology, sociology, and also involves political issues.

These are rarely discussed in China. When people mention sex, they still think about sex.

Ten years later, it's still the same.

Sex is actually a particularly good thing, and it is a key to the relationship between "self and yourself".

You can learn how familiar you are with yourself through sex.

For example, why don't you dare to turn on the lights and have sex? Are you not accepting of yourself? Why are you not confident enough in yourself?

When you don't accept yourself, sex can be distracting. You are obviously kissing, but you are still thinking, is it okay to wear underwear today, does it look good--then how do you get involved?

Sex is also a key to reflect on the relationship between yourself and your partner.

Sexual behavior always reveals the attachment mode and relationship status of the two people.

For example, some women and their husbands have been in a sexless marriage for more than ten years and have been cheated on several times but are still unwilling to separate ; there are also women who learn moves not because they like it, but because they want to please each other and objectify themselves as tools without knowing it.

This kind of attitude towards sex is actually an exposure of one's own emotional model: knowing that it is not suitable for happiness, but you just can't let it go.

Most of us have probably experienced this – it’s these emotional tangles that expose the deepest parts of us that need healing the most.

It may stem from childhood trauma. The injury was not treated well, festered and scarred in the process of growing up. We don't take the initiative to open the scars in our daily life, but in an intimate relationship, we can poke the pustules when we get along with each other every day.

To heal is to open up the scar, apply ointment to the pustule, and let it heal over time.

This process will be painful and difficult, so many people would rather twist in the relationship than grow inward.

You can live your life staring at the scars if you want to, but if you live in fear all the time, it will be difficult to enjoy your relationship with yourself and the world.

It is a sex toy and a tool for self-exploration

Question: I'm not conservative about sex, but if my boyfriend didn't give me a gift, I would never say that I would take the initiative to buy vibrating eggs.

A: Why? Do you not know that you can still play like this, or do you know but don't buy it? The two are not the same.

Q: I know, but I don't buy it.

A: Why? How do you understand vibrating eggs? Do you think it's only for singles, or is there some other negative image?

Question: I don't have a colored vision for Tiaodan, let alone a negative impression. I know it makes me happy, but I feel like I can get that pleasure in other ways, like masturbating or having sex with my boyfriend, and I don't necessarily need a toy.

More directly, it is not a necessity, unlike food, I cannot live without it, so there is no strong desire to buy it.

Answer: Most people think so, they all think this is a toy. But in fact, vibrating eggs can be a tool for self-exploration.

Q: Yes. This is amazing - because this is the feeling I only understand after using it. Vibrating eggs have taught me many things. I still remember the intense shock I felt when I first used it, and it gave me a sex-only experience that cost me almost nothing.

Before using it, you will ask why you should buy sex toys? But after using it, you will ask why not buy sex toys?

When I reflected on it later, I still felt that it was due to social and cultural reasons. There is an old Chinese saying, "When you are full of warmth, you think about lust." You see, this sentence implies that in the Eastern context, no matter men or women, as long as they obtain pleasure through sex, they should be criticized and despised. Sexual pleasure is a negative thing.

In fact, not only sex, but even pleasure itself has a sense of depravity in the oriental context. The kind of direct and simple happiness that Tiaodan brings me has never even existed in my previous life.

Answer: I can understand what you mean, but what I want to remind is that in fact, suffering and happiness are relative. Neither extreme suffering nor extreme happiness is a good thing, the key is how to find a balance between suffering and happiness.

Women Should Take Full Responsibility For Their Sexual Pleasure

Q: I still feel that male sexual pleasure is still more socially acceptable than female sexual pleasure.

According to a survey, the most popular sex toys in China are masturbation cups and sex dolls, and only 5% of women have ever bought sex toys.

Answer: This may be related to the physiological differences between men and women.

Men's pleasure comes directly, and it is easy to orgasm with a masturbation cup, but women may need to learn and explore when playing with sex toys, and positive feedback will come after an adaptation period.

Like learning to ride a bicycle, you will be very happy when you learn it, but you may fall a lot in the first few days.

It is easy for girls to feel frustrated in their sexual exploration. If they do not feel happy, they will give up quickly.

Q: Are there any differences in sexual desire between men and women? We have been taught since we were young that "men are animals that think from the lower body", but women's desires seem to be rarely acknowledged.

Does the difference in sexual desire between men and women come from their natural biological structure, or is it the inequality created by society?

Answer: Both. Maybe it's not "inequality", "inequality" is like how girls are screwed. The physiological structure of men and women is different. Men will suffer if they don’t vent their sexual desires, while women’s sexual desires are more the result of mobilization, and society has further amplified this difference.

Q: Are men really better at separating love and sex than women? Does male sexual behavior need a link of love and affection?

Answer: It is still divided into person, personality, his growth environment, and his relationship partner. You cannot use the word "male" to summarize all of these. Everyone is a unique individual.

Question: So it is a very arbitrary judgment to say "no matter whether a man is 20, 30, or 40, he likes an 18-year-old girl".

A: Of course, everyone's emotional model is different.

And with the development of society, don't girls also start to objectify men? Don't many women only like young "little fresh meat"? If conditions permit, many women do no better than men.

Q: The sex subject in the Eastern context has always been the man, but you said in an interview that women should be fully responsible for their own sexual pleasure.

Answer: Of course. I have been doing offline sex education for decades, and many girls told me that these courses should be learned by my boyfriend- he does not have your body system, how can I let them learn? If you don't know how to orgasm yourself, how will others know how to make you orgasm?

At that time, I felt that their boyfriends were so pitiful. They had to take care of the family, take care of your emotions, and be responsible for your orgasm, my God.

If a girl wants to climax, you have to spend time exploring yourself first, knowing what rhythm and position is the most comfortable for you, so that others can know how to cooperate with you.

This is your own happiness, and of course you need to give others a constructive and executable plan.

You are not happy, you don’t explore, and you don’t want to talk about it, and then blame others for their poor skills. Is this logical?

Some women have a really strong dependence mentality. After all, it is much easier to blame the other party than to blame yourself. Being responsible for your own pleasure means that you have to bear the frustration of not having an orgasm. It means that you have to understand yourself, accept yourself, please yourself, love yourself, and continue to grow.

When a girl's life is good, she's really not picky, and it's easy to climax with anyone. Sex is the icing on the cake, but many girls just look to others for help.

Q: Actually, I think this is the consequence of gender inequality. Just now you said, "It seems that society has done something to women"-I want to say, has society not done anything to women? Women's sexual desire has always been suppressed, and it is difficult to even admit the desire, so it is naturally difficult to be responsible for sexual pleasure.

A: Society has influence, but the problem is, I also know many girls who are not like this, so why can others not?

Can accusing and complaining about society bring you growth?

After all, life is one's own business, and adults should take full responsibility for life. If every individual lives well, the society will be much better.

"I'm just a small tool in a bigger system"

Question: After all, sex toys are related to sex, and have their privacy and controversy. Did you ever think that you might encounter many difficulties in the early days of your business?

Answer: I haven't thought about it. You don't know what's going to happen until you do it.

At that time, I was passionately defending the injustice of Chinese girls, why can't we have a good orgasm? Why are girls so passive in relationships? Why are Chinese women smart and knowledgeable, but they can't figure out sex? I want to see what's going on, to pass on sexual knowledge, and to try to create new paths in that environment.

At that time, I had a strong sense of mission.

Later, I discovered that this sense of mission is actually a kind of narcissism.

Q: Why is it called narcissism?

A: At that time, I felt like a little soldier. I dared to stand up and speak out for sex, and I felt very brave.

This is still at the level of satisfying the desire of the ego, which is a kind of arrogance.

And at that time, I saw the world very idealistically. I felt that whether two people were in love or married, it was rare to meet a lover, and it was a pity that they were unhappy because of lack of knowledge about sex.

But after so many years, I found that many people have learned these sexual knowledge, and the object of their exploration is not their own partner; the one who should cheat is still cheating, and the asexual marriage is still asexual.

I just realized that sexual knowledge is only one aspect of the relationship, a very superficial aspect;

Too many factors affect the flow of relationships, such as communication skills, growth path, life background and so on.

There are very few things I can do.

I always wanted to change the fate of others.

It’s like you eat fruit and taste the sweetness and want to share it with everyone. You say it’s really delicious and you must try it to be good for your health, but some people are not suitable for eating this fruit at the moment; they reject you, so you are disappointed, angry.

Now I know that if someone really needs fruit, he will come and find resources by himself, there is no need to force him.

Question: In the words of Buddhism, you have surpassed the "small self", which means "no self". How did this transformation happen?

A: I was depressed for several years. In the initial stage of entrepreneurship, the environment was relaxed, and the traditional media was also very powerful. Their publicity was strong, and the output content was also professional. My business went smoothly;

But just a few years ago, the environment suddenly shrank, and all the sex education programs I posted on different platforms were blocked within a few months. It was like witnessing the sudden death of my own child, and I couldn't figure out what was going on.

At that time, I was still thinking about saving the country and doing parent-child sex education. At that time, the child abuse incident in the Red Yellow Blue Kindergarten was full of turmoil. I hoped that I would take the children to start with sex step by step. Parents would not care, and hoped that I would talk about child sexual assault prevention when I came up.

I thought to myself that intimidating education is more terrible than no education. Formal children's sex education requires professional teachers to explain it step by step according to the system, and you can't just skip the links of "privacy boundary" and "how to say no" and just talk about "preventing sexual assault". The child will be confused, "What's wrong with this world? Why is the world so scary?"

The right thing I insisted on did not match what the society wanted, and I was very embarrassed at the time.

Then I went to India, and found out that there is still such a purgatory in the world. The bottom people have no possibility of crossing the class, and they pass by me like a walking dead, without a soul in their eyes.

At that time, I was thinking, what happened to the world, what happened to me, and what should I do; I don't understand.

I was so depressed that I couldn’t do anything, so I stopped giving lectures, taking consultations, and running the company. It took four or five years with a counselor before I calmed down.

In the past few years, I have constantly reflected on the "narcissistic mode" that has followed me for decades.

I once said that holding the flag is for the good of everyone, but in the end, I have to admit that in the final analysis, we do a lot of things out of our own needs.

I used to think that I was omnipotent, but now I realize that the success of the company is the luck of the heroes created by the times, and has nothing to do with me.

I used to feel that I was suppressed, but now I realize that society is like this, it never goes in the direction you want, what I should think about is how to do sex education in this environment.

I used to hope that everyone could know what I did, but now it doesn't matter whether you can see me or not.

Q: But it is undeniable that what you do is indeed to promote a more free and open society, and at least change some people's views on sex, isn't it?

Answer: This matter is just the result that will inevitably happen when all conditions are ripe. I am just a small tool in a larger system.

Question: Aware of the insignificance of the ego and no longer arrogant, this is the only way for human beings to learn happiness and wisdom. However, we seem to have never had such education since we were young. We always find this perspective after a great trauma.

Answer: People will start to reflect and find a new path only after they have really hit the wall and fully understand that the previous path was unworkable.

Q: Will you go back to continue doing sex toys, psychological counseling and offline training camps in the future?

A: There are already a lot of resources, and you can find them naturally if you need them.

As for myself, I don't know at the moment. If I'm going to do it, the way is very different from before, I will be more like a tool and a bridge to get it done, and I will not be too attached to my specific role in it.