The emptiness for a missed goodbye

The coronavirus pandemic has driven us to a suffering situation due to the fear of being infected but especially for the future economic consequences. This situation of suffering is especially acute for the elder, the most vulnerable people in the actual context, they are mainly used to be people with low motivation and with few or none future projects , some just look like patients siting in a death waiting room to be visited by death, and now added to it they have to deal with the new situation of isolation imposed by the governments.

During those days of isolation and privation of the few incentives they have, as for example see their granddaughters and grandsons , their minds often drive to their loved ones who passed away ( many of them have lost partners, siblings and friends), and worse they start to think that they will be the next one.

To that hopeless situation, if the subject has been infected by the virus the situation becomes dramatic , that is what happens now a days to many old people in my country ,and due to our “developed society” that only cares for material things and measures life value in terms of productivity , old people is relegated to the end of the list of the ones to be cured or saved during the pandemic.

In the case of my father even though he was a strong man and a fighter, he had the bad luck to get infected with the COVID19 , and because he was old and not the government priority ,the only treatment he received was a palliative one ( morphine), the treatment not only releases suffering but also transforms an energetic person, a fighter in a helpless one that only wants to give up.

During his last days in hospital he desired a lot to see his family , but no one came , in part due to the strict medical rules during the pandemic but also because of our fear of being infected, he wasn’t able to understand why and what was happening but none of his daughters were there to help him, we left him alone in such a suffering last moments of his life and he left this earth completely alone, without anybody around him.

He left without the opportunity to say goodbye to anyone , without the opportunity to express his last wishes , and not being able to forgive or be forgiven nor to apologize to anyone, and also without the opportunity to express his feelings or to hear from their loved ones that he was loved.

That cruel illness made us so vulnerable and touched many of us , I am so terrified to realize that I was not strong enough to stay with him in the last moments , in part due to the hospital’s strict rules and in part also for my fear to death, and now my heart is in sorrow and emptiness for the never said goodbye.

Father,

I hope your soul wherever it is, can see me and feel my feelings , so I want to say how much I miss you , how much I loved and hated you, how sorry I am to have been so selfish and not good enough to you. I also want to forgive you for all the wrong things you did.

Finally, I want you to forgive me for not cooking you the special desert I prepared for my mother in her last days and that I knew you desired so much during the last lunch we had together a month ago.

Goodbye and I hope to see you in the next dimension.

With love.