learning as you go

我走到了一个艰难的时刻。

我全身上下都开始出现疼痛的信号。四年前分手时提行李留下的老旧的肩伤，基因里携带的软骨瘤，每个月造访的月经疼痛，脊柱侧弯和久坐带来的侧腰的疼痛。 最近又发现自己原来长久以来都有缺铁性贫血，生活还要继续，但是我却突然要开始接受很多我不知道如何处理的问题。

我有一团纠缠在一起的负面情绪：anger, frustration (why me!), a sense of despair (not again!), worried, overwhelmed, anxious (how to incoporate the reality of living with pain with my future)

to my despair, overwhelmedness: 我已经很努力的将生活走到正轨上，但是生活前进的速度好像并不一直如我想象的这么快。甚至看到这些确诊的结果，意味着你即将要再次调整生活节奏。在艰难的时刻，保持希望并不是一件最容易的事情，但是也不要轻易地选择绝望。

但是一切并不是都没有希望。比如你知道脊柱侧弯到了成年之后，除非你再次怀孕，你的度数就不会再加深了。膝盖软骨瘤有95%的概率是良性的。即便你要做手术，目前的你也有非常好的医疗保险，你可以在手术之前给自己做好一周，甚至10天的饭菜，要吃的时候拿去加热就好。如果你要因为子宫内膜异位症做手术，这个手术大概率也不会影响到你的生活质。你只需要在术前向医生疯狂提问，学习如何好好照顾你的伤口。或者其实你最在意的就是找到一个朋友去陪你做这一场手术，但是他们只需要是一个能够承担抽象意义上的医疗风险的人就好。

绝望这个情绪会像一朵乌云，遮挡住我积攒来的阳光。但是我可以选择不相信绝对的黑暗，绝对的无助。我是相信光明的，我相信我是可以在黑暗里创造光亮的，因为曾经可以从那么黑暗的边缘将自己一步一步拉了出来，走到这里。

to my anger: I’ve just learned that very recently anger can be a major part of how men manifest their depression. I remembered as a child, I was once surprised the level of irritability I observed in my parents. The smallest inconvenience or obstacle seemed to be able to set off a bomb in themselves and their interpersonal relationships. But somewhere along the line, I've started to normalize the extreme irritability and the lack of anger control in my family. Adding to that, years of trauma put me in a prolonged state of fight or flight. My amygdala became hypersensitive to the smallest dosage of threat and insecurity in my environment. I could not tolerate adding more stress to my nervous system. A composition of these two factors created a worsening cycle of emotions spinning out of control.

All of that is to say. Anger is not all negative. It is has a vigorous energy that can give us a drive up. 知道了我身体的问题之后，我第一个反应是不公平。凭什么是我。But I have looked back too long in anger (during my younger and less mature years) to know that it would not be constructive to always question why. So in this case, I need to learn to let go of that anger and come back to a more pragmatic state of mind. I can focus more on the "how" to handle this situation better. Release anger doesn't mean giving up hope or change. It just mean having a more composed mindset to deal with the situation at head.

to my frustration: I know that my growth takes time. But the combination of negative emotions can give me a feeling of stagnation. I need to acknowledge how frustration is formed (by combining elements of anger, anxiety, and despair). After that, I need to decouple the feeling of frustration from my reality. Although it might "feel" very real, it is not. I need to work on becoming a more patient and persistent person. Understand that growth is not linear, and be willing to project the utmost amount of gentility towards my journey. I need to be my best companion.

to my anxiety: You are a long time presence in my spiritual world. You are my friend because you help me watch out for threat during my childhood. You preserved my function and my life largely. But the problem is, I don't know how to deactivate you even when it would benefit me to do so. The fear of needing to escape for life is still etched in my skin. They say realizing is the first step towards meaningful change. I think you need to trust that I am a much more grown up person with more advanced skills on how to handle life. I can go to the doctors for my physical symptoms now. I can sit through a class, communicate with people around me now. I can handle hassles of a daily life know. I really thank you for all that you have done for me. I hope you will continue to help me. But how about, you can take a second row and observe how I can come up with solutions and plans for the future.

而今天的我， 一向自诩为方向感不好的我，在手机没电之后一个人凭着直觉下将车子从高速上开回了家。不敢相信，这是我第一次having to let go of my control, stay calm and trust/ work with my intuition. 我愿意相信这不是一个巧合，或许是我自己在用行动告诉我自己，trust your body. 如果疼痛需要长伴我的身边，give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change things that I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

我相信，尽头一定会光，我相信我的痛苦会配得上我的光芒，我相信和之前的千千万万次那样，我会和你共同度过。