Week 1 — First Meeting

Before I had people in my group, my worry was about me, if I can achieve the goals I made for myself. That was hard but deep down I knew everything was going to be okay, I might fail but I will get up from the floor and move on. But after I had three people with me, I felt a new kind of stress I have never experienced before. I felt my responsibility to them. I said that I wanted to help them become software engineers in half year but I had no certainty that’s even achievable. What if I can’t do it? What if I let them down? What if…

My mom did not help the situation, I was talking to her about my concern but her worry was in another dimension. She was worried about my safety but didn’t want to sound discouraging so she was subtly dropping things like “you have to be careful meeting people”, “did you know there are some drugs people can put in your drinks that makes your unconscious…” I was dismissive and told her that was ridiculous but it still got into my head and add up on to my what-ifs. What if something goes wrong on the day…

It turned out all my worries were nothing. Abdi and Arya were lovely and appreciative of what I was trying to do. After that I realised I was missing some point here. I knew I wanted to be personal and do everything in the personal way, but my thinking was so deep in the corporate logic — I’m only useful if I achieve, and I’m only something if I’m useful. I was so scared of achieving nothing and being nothing but forgot the human aspect of it. I am trying to be helpful and that matters, it’s not just the result. By realising that, my hard, cold goal of making them software engineers in half year also dissolved, what I really want to do is — stay with them on their journey, help them do what works for them the best at that moment. At the same time, they are also with me in my journey to learn and do things I have never done before, we are all in this together. Then the stress were gone.

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