On Trauma

On the journey of healing from childhood trauma, I guess I have reached the point where I have to go back to face and deal with those deepest fear within me. Back in the time when I was not conscious of the existence of trauma, the coping mechanism was harmful — either continuously denying my self-value but also bringing about self-harm. In one term, I was trapped in the hole of forcefully obsessed with self-sabotage. Starting my healing session earlier this year (2022, January), I continually reached out to a therapist for the first time. It started stressfully, and it still does, but it seems that some progress can be tracked. Up till now, all negative, dark feelings are draining me; I realized that I have to come up with a way to escape myself from those emotions. Therefore, I decided to write, which might help me go through what happened again and, at the same time, calm myself down from speaking those words somewhere. Also, English is not my first language, therefore writing in English could avoid facing those feelings again directly. So please forgive me if there is anything that is not stated clearly due to the misuse of language.

I would take these articles as my journals. I decided to upload them on the internet because I have seen so many people facing the same issues, and I guess it would be better to speak out and support each other in some form. It is hard to deal with those emotions alone, for me as well. I hope that publishing my journals can provide people with a safety net to talk about the trauma or at least feel that there would be some hope and warmth somehow and somewhere. By now, I already foresee that the story that I am going to talk about would trigger some people, and there might even be some attacks. But I think it is essential to mention the elephant in the room for myself on the path of healing or those who experienced the same thing. Therefore I will do it at all costs.

I was born in 1998 in Taiwan. I am indigenous. For better educational resources and a preferable environment, my parents decided to move out of the community that belongs to my tribe. It was supposed to be a good decision, or maybe it is a good decision. Just that there will always be something trapping us back, be it our identities or the shadows from things that have been happening over generations deep within the community. There used to be a time when I hated my identity and life. Here I must admit, those resentments still pop up on my mind now and then. I hate my identity and the environment that put me in the darkness. It took me years to finally catch the weakest light that I might not be the one to blame, and there is still hope. I had suicidal attempts several times over the years. Eventually, I survived those attempts, but it doesn’t mean that I felt better after being saved. I struggled for another few years before I started to seek help. It turned out that after 6 years of the final act of suicide, I finally decided to have a regular session with a therapist, which started in early 2022.

So what happened? I was stuck in an abnormal relationship with my cousin, the son of my uncle from my father’s side, and his friends. Starting from 9, lasting for 6 years. But the actual duration for me to completely get rid of their direct effects might be longer. Apart from that, I had also suffered from issues stemming from my identity. Moving out of our community for education, my family was considered as traitors to our tribe and blood, which led to some negative impressions. And as an indigenous student in a mainstream community school, I had to face all the labeled discrimination against indigenous people in Taiwan. After what I went through with my cousin and his friends being known, I suffered another form of discrimination. Therefore peer issues also played a vital role back negatively back then.

I guess that is pretty much everything I can start with for now, both mentally and verbally. For the more detailed stories, it will be addressed in my following journals.