Counselling Diary 1

June, 14, 2022. Tuesday.

I proposed to dig deep into myself to have a glimpse of the full picture to my therapist. We explored some answers I gave to discover the underlying meanings behind them. It didn’t seem so hard in the beginning.

At some point, we reached the discussion on how I would like people to perceive me and how I see myself. Afterward, things start to get ‘interesting.’ We noticed my conflicting desire of being who I expect myself to become and the person I really am, and how it affected my thoughts and behaviors. I have been setting high goals despite that I can hardly reach it or it is not who I am. Knowing the fact, I still can’t give up on the behavioral patterns.

I am too afraid of losing. But if you ask, what I am afraid of losing? I don’t have an answer. Maybe the seemingly stable and peaceful reality, the precious things and people in my life. I don’t want to be abandoned by the things and people that I treasure the most. I know I am burning out, however, I have no choice.

I can never be fully convinced by verbal commitments. Words are so weak that the narration can be altered before next time you wake up. I was once in a well-protected environment, before everything collapsed. No one can be fully trusted. I trusted my cousin and I turned out to be abused. I trusted my classmates and I turned out to be bullied. I trusted that my hard work would prevail my indigenous identity but I still turned out to be discriminated. So I looked back on my family. The once harmonious family turned to be existing in pieces. My childhood model, my grandfather, cheated on my grandmother. My father, also betrayed my trust. Among all the closest relationships of mine, words are breakable. Words and commitments have already become the weakest proofs I could have to ensure the intentions of those surround me.

With thousands of times of confirmations, I can’t see the goods that people find in me. I don’t feel the reasons for people to stay. Words became so weak that as long as I don’t see the clear differences of the way people interact with me and with others, I don’t see my values. I need something unique to prove that I am different but at the same time I don’t feel my preciousness. I need something that is specifically for me to show my uniqueness but in the meantime I don’t think that I deserve the efforts. Word can be changed so fast without you knowing, and as long as it changes, you lose everything coming along with it. To make the commitments true, all I can do is to believe. But based on what? With all the scattered pieces of trust. I can only rely on my expectations to the future. Because at present, I am just ‘a person’ that is the same to any of them you have met in your life. I might come unexpectedly and surprisingly, but eventually there is possibility that I have to leave quietly and softly like I have never existed. Just a glance of the narration/word changes, and I shall be fading away.

At the same time, how I wish to be understood and cherished. I have been living in those conflicts within and I am still not able to pick myself up as a complete piece. I am still here struggling to see myself as clearly as possible. I am still here, trying to complete myself with endless achievements.