X-001 | Starting a new adventure on Matters

It's the first year of 2022. If you asked me about 2022 couple weeks ago, I'd tell you, "I can't freaking wait for the new year!" And then it arrived couple hours ago, and I felt not particularly excited or motivated.

I started my first full-time teaching role in a Hong Kong local secondary school not long ago (for your reference, 1 September 2021), once I finished my university studies. I could tell you that I was raring to go back then - as I had always told my friends,

"It has always been my goal to get to teach as a full-fledged teacher in a local school. It has been the goal for me since 2016." 

I even jumped the gun and started setting up my work desk a few weeks before the commencement of my contract - I carried my 27-inch monitor, my ergonomic keyboard set, my all-capable Surface Book 2 with the aim to try as much eLearning stuff as possible with my students... until I realised I couldn't after the first full week because what the students need is anything but that.

I first came pass the idea of #privilege in the educational field 4 years back, where the professor argued that everyone in the lecture hall is in some ways privileged - we have some sort of unfair advantage compared to those who failed to be admitted to the university. For the past few years, I shunned this idea as I always told myself that "I only got here because I worked my arse off", until I was forced to confront the inconvenient truth:

"I am at the current position in my life enjoying part of the privilege is not only because I earned it, but I also capitalised on what others have given me - the privilege that I enjoy."

It has been the first time in my memory that I realised "doing my best is not enough". It might sound very childish to say that "I still feel bad for something that is out of my control", but that is the same sentiment that got me into the idea of education - "help people to be better in any ways possible".

For the past few years which I reckon myself to be in the best shape mentally, I had been practising "100% accountability". It is through this thought that I am able to push myself to my limits and capability, as I persuaded myself that I am responsible for everything that happened. I think I was able to be more aware of what might be threats to success, but this thought backfired so much when a lot of things are out of your locus of control.

For now, I am trying to tell myself that I have done enough, but at times I felt incredibly unmotivated because, in contrast to my old beliefs, I cannot be as impactful as I had originally imagined. I still need some time to come to terms with this, but that will be for another day and another entry here.

So yes. I would like to start writing again - this time on Matters (because I feel like this is an open community that welcomes constructive discussion and personal sharing, and also because I feel safer to write on a platform that has a healthier algorithm). I am not sure how frequent I would be posting my compositions here, and I can't tell that whether I will stick to 100% English, or I'll deviate at times with some posts in Chinese, but I will figure it out as I go down the line.

Writing, especially about myself, is not entirely new for me, but after spending some time writing this piece, I feel like my mind is refreshed for a bit. I just need to pick up this good habit again and record my experiences, instead of always being occupied with tasks, overwhelmed by work, and affected by worries all the time.

--- On the notation of this post ---

I used [X-001] as the notation because:

• "X" has always been my favourite letter. My username for almost all my social media presence is based on this - [x.or.cross]. It is most often referred as a symbol that marks a mistake, but it could also be a treasure mark on a treasure map. How you interpret this is very much down to your perspective, but I hope I could still be an x-factor in the future - to impact change by any means possible. 
• 001 - 3 digits for now. This means at least I have to write 999 posts to think about the next notation. If I am so productive to write a post every single day (not that I can with my current job responsibilities), I would still need to write for 3 years until I have to change this. Maybe I will just add another digit in front of it. Who knows?