三日書#2 釋放哀傷的理想之地

CNN主播Anderson Cooper 袒露自己喪親哀傷歷程的《All there is 》podcast 十月九日竟然推出第三季了（原本他只想做一季度過喪母之傷的），而且還推出網站，讓人可以聽見其他悲傷之人的故事--那是在第一季之後，Cooper設立的語音信箱收到的大批回響。

我想，Cooper 創造了公開談論哀傷、生命巨大失落、承認自己崩潰的一個「樹洞」，讓人可以在此盡情吶喊與哭泣，讓總是壓抑情緒、堅持「life goes on」的社會價值漸漸鬆動。並不是辦了告別式，一切就結束---如同cooper 年少面對父親的猝死、大學時承受23歲的哥哥跳樓--就在母親面前，於紐約豪宅跳下。

他在第三季的開頭說，或許當年在葬禮之後也埋葬了grief，他從沒有好好哀傷過，思考這些死亡對自己的影響，只是快速地拋諸腦後，life goes on but deep inside, everything changed. 無形地支配他所做的一切決定，包括他不斷回到戰爭前線採訪。

第三季的第一集來賓是影星Andrew Garfield，他和（英籍？）母親極親，但她在2019 covid-19之前，因胰臟癌過世。他說幸好這時點讓家人還可以在醫院病床圍繞著母親，念詩給她，陪著過度生命最後時光。

他口音帶著英國腔，原來他美國出生、畢業於倫敦大學，在英國演過舞台劇。

cooper念了Garfild在2021接受Stephen Colbert訪問時，對哀傷的感觸。據說這影片有兩百萬次點閱。CNN網站形容：

" his vulnerability seemed to touch the hearts of many who were themselves grieving loved ones during the pandemic."

“I hope this grief stays with me, because it’s all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her, and I told her every day,” Garfield said at the time. “She was the best of us.”

The grief has stayed with him, as he hoped, in the nearly five years since his mother died.

“It’s so weird. It’s like the longing and the grief, fully inhabiting it and feeling it is the only way I can really feel close to her again,” Garfield told Cooper.

It was his mother, described by Garfield as creative and sensitive to his teen angst, who first encouraged him to explore a career in the arts. When he tried acting, which Garfield jokingly compared to “joining the circus,” he felt he’d found his place. Dozens of film and television roles, two Oscar nominations and a superhero franchise followed.

我並不是因為他的成名作「社群網戰」----而是因為我心愛的Emma Stone，兩人曾是情侶，並在記者跟拍時，兩人手上舉著紙板，上頭寫著「去關心更有意義的事吧，比如氣候變遷」（印象中，需要事實查核，我懶），我覺得這兩人好酷！

與Cooper的訪談中，Cooper 當然又哽咽了，他真是易感的靈魂。談母親，Garfiled一直鎮定，談他最痛苦時曾到海邊散步，突然有來自上天、自然、宇宙更高存在給了他頓悟.....信仰真是人脆弱的依靠。

但他最後仍舊哭了---是收到朋友的訊息，非常簡單：「我都在，你需要的時候，還有我。」那給他一種安全感：即使成了孤兒了，還是有人照看著他。"like a web、net of love'.

我們通常在朋友極度悲傷時，尤其涉及親人死亡，總是不知說什麼，只好依著傳統說著「節哀」、「保重」、洋派些，就說「RIP」。都好，只是其中成分是禮節多些或不知說些什麼的依樣畫葫蘆？

我媽過世時我沒讓太多人知道，因為我不想收到一大堆訊息要我「節哀」----因為我不哀啊！我開心，為我媽開心，她臥床、無法享受生命的苦日子終於結束了！她自由了！

Garfield說：（文字取自CNN網站，對他與Cooper對談的報導）：

“I know for a fact that this is a short life, and the things that mattered before don’t matter anymore.

And I think when I say things taste differently, I think things can taste much more sweet now because of the sorrow that I’ve felt, and they can taste much more bitter,” Garfield told Cooper.

“My feeling towards the world right now, the politics, the culture, where we are as a community, a global community, it can fill me with much more bitterness and sourness and anger and rage. I can feel into my despair a lot more, my hopelessness, and in equal measure, I can feel a far deeper well of hope.”

Garfield has found hope – and support – through his friendships, in nature and in the creative work his mother guided him toward.

“The grief and the loss is the only route to the vitality of being alive,” Garfield said. “The wound is the only route to the gift.”

我謝謝Cooper創造了一個公開談論悲傷的空間，有時讓人「信仰被充值了」、私密的哀傷有人聆聽，甚至聽到別人如何經歷哀傷對生命的重擊 。我相信，grief 帶來生命的深刻鑿痕，讓人能夠承載更多的喜樂、別人的憂傷。（如同《先知》紀伯崙所說：

「哀愁刻劃在你們身上的傷痕愈深，你們就能容納愈多的歡樂。」

「當你們欣喜時，深究自己的心靈，你們會發現，如今帶給你們歡樂的，正是當初帶給你們憂愁的。當你們悲哀時，再審視自己的心靈，你們會發現，如今帶給你們憂愁的，正是當初帶給你們歡樂的。」）

如同Garfield說的：一切都不同了，以前重要的不再重要；生命如此短暫，而且" things can taste much more sweet now because of the sorrow that I’ve felt".

《All There is 》是個樹洞，收集了數年來無處訴說的悲傷，也給人看見Grief 帶來的祝福。

這就是一個「理想之地」了。