There is something about it

It's been two months, new job, new friends, new environment. I thought I will change, but nothing actually changed.

I am still the one, looking into the mirror, feeling confused, normal, still.

There is something there, something uncertain, something I know or don't. The void won't be erased, it's in me, in my eyes, in my mind, and in my soul.

I need to be filled, my expectation needs to be met, my desire, those desires I don't even want to mention.

So dull, life is, myself as well, I am as lonely and fearful as before, and I am still struggling with with authority, with some beings covered by power, what am I fearful for? After all these days I have hated and suffered, I still can't beat the fear, I can't stand up and turn around, I can't face my true feelings but build up spaces to escape.

Life is still not a journey, not an experience yet, it's torture, a meanless practice, and endless self-introspection, I am living in a loop, the loop I tried to get out of but failed again and again.

Is this the real life? A meaningless, repeat loop? or I was stuck in my own visions and universe? I closed the connection or is it closed to me?

There is something about me, I kept missing him, rewinding every detail and moment we had, cuz those are the best memories that ever happened to me, I am lucky to have them also sicked of memorizing them over and over, there should be something more about me, about moments I treasured, about friendship, family , nature, and books. But I only choose to play those clips, those like a brainless romantic show, the only time I was the main character. I keep asking myself why, the reason is probably the same as I watched the TV show, I need to feel loved, accompanied, trusted, supported, just like anyone else.

What a normal person I am, whining about loneliness and afraid to love anyone . I am nothing superior to others since I don't even have the ability to love and feel loved, or committed I am just lonely.

What I should do with life ,with every second of time ,with those things I could accomplish and couldn't ,with those ups and downs, fear and courage ,bore and ecstacy ,I could learn things ,I could do things ,I could finish all the tasks on my own ,all I need is just ...you.