Zidu｜I want the wind to blow through my soul

This is not a suitable time for emo. On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting in the study room with only two people to write. This should be the time to write my graduation thesis. After all, I have not been in the study state since the morning, but Since the state is so bad this time, after the emo time exceeds 24 hours, it will start to fall into deep self-doubt.

Last night, I was sitting on the bed against the wall. For the first time, I had the idea that life is really long. I never felt that life was so long before. I was only worried about the lack of time. When I have to stay in the world and suffer, I am very worried that I can't bear it. Yesterday was the worst day I had recently. After eating in the afternoon, I felt a little overwhelmed. I walked to the sofa on the 4th floor of the old teaching building and sat crying. The light broke, which made my mental state that was already fragile and on the line worsened. At that moment, I really felt that I would jump from the upstairs, and at the same time as I thought, slam, the lights went out, at that moment It was like a pair of hands pulled me back, my body seemed to have no weight, and the hands that pulled me didn't exert any force, I was temporarily saved, and suddenly lost a breath, but just as I gasped, the light returned. It stung me again, the other hand pushed me down so easily, I stood up and walked away, I think Beijing is really bad, it can't hold me to find a small corner to be sad, the city is so big, but so big There is no corner that can hold my tears, I walked down the stairs, I lay on the window and looked out, I just saw the crooked moon, very curved, thin and curved, far away, there was a building next to it , I wondered if I would die faster if I jumped down from there. I looked down at the old teaching building where I was, and thought that if I jumped from here, I might be disabled at most. what happened? Will it cause a public turmoil, will I be scolded, will my family be affected? Looking at the students walking downstairs, they may also be changed because of this. Following this line of thought, I thought of many people and my mentor. , I think of my friends for a long time, think of my roommates... Maybe I am ordinary now and no one cares, but if I jump from here, then what I have done and what I have not done will be plated with a layer of it. Colors, black, white, or colorful, maybe because of this, I have an intersection with many people who have never met before. Thinking about it, I feel like I'm going to die. Why do we need to have so many concerns, people Ah, until death, they are still living in a frame...

It’s not that I didn’t have this kind of thought, but yesterday, I felt so close, so close that my mind was jumping and I was tired from crying, and then there was a chair, so I just sat and rested for a while. , I went back to the classroom, turned on the computer, started self-study, read some English literature, I don’t know why I can still read it, I saw 9:30, I felt a little tired, so I decided to go back, walking on the road, I felt that people I was in a trance, my eyes could not see clearly, I was very tired, my body was very heavy, I was wearing a pair of heavy shoes, dragged on the ground, I thought I might fall, heavy, I didn't really want to go back to the dormitory, So I found a tree in a small campus, sat under the tree, my legs were bitten, and my elbows were too. Tears streamed down when I sat and sat down, so I cried, Feeding mosquitoes, in addition to the pain, I have to scratch the bag bitten by the mosquitoes with my hands, which is a sad and funny scene. Tired of crying, I opened the persimmon I bought at the canteen, peeled two to eat, it was delicious, sweet, and very convenient, no need to wash, just wipe my hands after eating, it was almost 10:30 , thinking that it's time to go back, and then take a shower and then go to bed earlier, it turns out that being too sad and too tired can make the brain unable to fall asleep quickly, so I sit up again, lean against the wall, and start crying again, oh, I found that a dormitory bed with a bed curtain is the only place I can find a habitat in this city. The 2*0.9 site is the only place where I can enjoy the freedom to cry. I can cry, but it can't make a sound, and the sobbing should also be lowered. The voice, the snot came out, I could only wipe it lightly, how aggrieved I cried, I don't know how I fell asleep, maybe I was too tired. The moment I woke up this morning, I was not as tired as I imagined, but I felt that I slept well. Is it better? Possibly, but still in that state of being able to cry at any time, which is pretty bad.

On the way from the study room in the morning, I suddenly wanted to listen to Chen Li. I clicked on the homepage and saw a song about Zidu. I’m not sure if I’ve heard it before, but I really like this word—zidu, all the calamities of people, I have to come and go by myself, and I can only travel by myself. I changed the WeChat signature easily.

Old times live in old souls

Allergies start to turn from itching to pain

The appearance of pity is as bright as ever

All the mountains and plains are locked in cages

There is a broken bridge and there is fog on the other side

The wind blows the boat into the unknown way

Dark clouds wandering take away the bright window

The lost spark is faintly bright

A good word full of ornate rhetoric

Good or bad, it's easy to say

Often can't wake up and miss the storm

Moss mottled hear the news without knowing it

Life can't be too full

It's not necessarily a pity to ask for

A good word full of ornate rhetoric

Good or bad, it's easy to say

Often can't wake up and miss the storm

Moss mottled hear the news without knowing it

Life can't be too full

It's not necessarily a pity to ask for

Maybe since I was a child, I was not a person who dared to fight. Since I was a child, I was called the title of a good girl. I lived weak and not brave. At first glance, I was destined to not be the protagonist in the movie. , it's pretty good, actually, I'm a little tired writing this. At this moment, I feel that even the sadness is a bit unnecessary, so I'll write it here first, I want to read the paper...

ps. I'm in good shape now, don't worry too much.