alone

01. 15. 2022

At 8 o'clock, after frantically singing for a few hours, the night spread all over Taipei, and after three times the song ended and the song ended, I finally fell back into the world of one person.

When you have too many friends, you're afraid to leave, all alone with those empty message boards.

After going crazy for a few times, I gradually became the person who came home late, so after returning to the dormitory, I began to get used to seeing the warm yellow or gray from the small window above.

Today is grey.

That gray color is very capricious. They never pay attention to the light in the corridor, and soon overflow from the small cracks, surrounded by turbulent, just like standing on the Sixty Stone Mountain in Hualien and watching the sea of golden needles, the mountains and plains are endless. But the only corner in Taipei City that I could live in was hidden in this darkness, which forced me to walk towards it.

How ridiculous, the drowning man sinks after he stops breathing, and embraces and accepts it is the same sea that let it die.

Turning on the light with almost smashing force can easily drive away the grayness, but it does not let the lonely humidity drop a little. I don't know since when, a person's enjoyment in the past has quietly deteriorated into the unbearable now, or maybe it was just a grand self-deception, like the set of words that everyone knows in the eight-legged essay for the joint entrance examination, everyone. "Apologize and forgive", "Learn from failure" and "Reconcile as before", all of whom have worked hard to "finally learn".

I always feel like a starving ghost who didn’t have enough food in my previous life, because I was used to being isolated as a child, so I could only try my best to grab every relationship. It's sad to be a marginal person and not reply to a message.

In fact I know I seem happy, I spent the first twelve hours awake today with all kinds of us, but I couldn't resist just being with myself for an hour, it was hard to breathe of an hour.

*

When I was taking a shower today, I suddenly found that I seemed to have done everything, but it was almost like I didn't do it, but I forgot my ultimate goal in freshman year, the so-called exploration.

In my empty freshman year, I always wonder if I actually chose the wrong path, although my final answer will always be that I am right.

I just hope that next semester will not forget the new year's new hope, the things that should be done, the spirits that should be cheered up,' or remember it all the time.