stalked by mother

My mother's unease followed me from childhood and youth to middle age. I ran as hard as I could to escape from her unease, but I ran to her uneasiness again and again, until I realized that I had grown into a restless adult, trying to get rid of that unease that didn't belong to me, I was nearing middle age years, and I have lost the search for the unknown in my life.

In the last year of elementary school, I illegally ride a bicycle to school. (I don’t know what the rules are for why I can’t ride a bicycle to school by myself.) When my sister went to middle school, I didn’t have to go to school with her, it was like being released; Means I spend more time walking to school than others before leaving or arriving at school.

The most common thing I need to do is "find a place where the bike will not be discovered by school teachers or classmates", and park that handsome single bike that girls can't ride without boys. After class, I would ride it around the streets of the city, circling the route between home and school like a police patrol.

It is said that it is stipulated that you cannot ride a bicycle to school, but the supervisors and classmates should all know that I "just ride a bicycle to school". I neither publicize nor show off, nor do I invite friends to challenge all the "adults ask us what to do." This kind of” regulations, I silently do things like “I just want to do this” but violate the regulations and “don’t know why they should be restricted”.

I never challenge things that are too dangerous, do not do things that "have to explain to adults what I do or that", or do not do anything that "will be questioned and can't do this or that" or anything that requires too much talking to people Intersection thing. Aside from failing in the top 15 in that monster gifted class no matter how hard I work in my studies, I should be considered a child who can play well. Even if I violate the rules, I will put some effort into keeping my words and deeds within a certain standard. (Within the standards of adults and myself. For example: when I speak swear words, I will restrain myself from swearing a few words in some too angry state, and will not let it become a mantra and become a fault for others to criticize me.)

Mother must be too upset.

At the age of ten years, most parents are still thinking, "Will children be in danger outside?" But my mother was worried that I would do something earth-shattering. Even though I only ride a bicycle every day when I go to school and after school, I arrive home at a fixed time after school, I don’t call friends and I rarely go out with my classmates. I don’t need to go out in the morning. Alarm clock, get up at 6:00 regularly, turn on the TV at 6:20 and watch the ten-minute cartoon...

I didn't seem to react to the unease my mother put on me? Just like the photosynthesis of plants, it takes in the carbon dioxide exhaled by the mother and exhales the oxygen so that the mother can breathe well. I only constantly tighten my behavior of not crossing the line, and don’t let myself be the straw that crushes her, and my mother should also try to break free from her unease, so as not to let the already overly oppressive atmosphere at home really It exploded in an instant.

Until the age of 30, I didn't know what to chat about, and my mother suddenly said: "You said you were going to play, and I followed you a few times."

It was between the ages of fifteen and twenty. Schools that are some distance from home can go to school by bicycle. In order not to let the picket at the school gate check my clothes and appearance, I was the first to arrive at the school. I wore shorts and entered the school gate before I put on a vest and skirt of the uniform. After class, I played basketball at the school until the night school students entered the school gate. I left my house at 3:30 on weekends and went to school to play basketball. I didn't go home for dinner until 5:30, so I maintained the habit of playing basketball on weekends for five years.

I smiled and asked my mother, "So did you follow me around?"

The mother showed a face that she would not have felt relaxed and said, "No! You really go to play basketball!"

My mother said that she would sit next to the classroom on the basketball court across from the playground and watch me play. After a few times, she felt bored and never followed me out of the house again. And my habit is that since I like and want to do it, it won't be interrupted or stopped, whether it's spring, summer, autumn or winter, or even heavy rain, I still like to shoot in the rain.

Maybe I was too obsessed with doing the same thing, which caused my mother's anxiety: "How can a child go out every day to really exercise?"

I never found out about my mother's stalking, and I deeply suspect that some of the details she said were just made up by her. But I fully believe what she described at the time, her anxiety about her own life and the burdens she was having around her, did lead her to make the choice of "following" and "confirming."

When I became an adult, my mother let me choose my own life. Before I went to work in the north, she found out from my letter with my girlfriend that I was in a relationship with the same sex. She took a little time to accept such a thing and accept that I really got up and ran away, Run away from her unease, the unease she gave me that I couldn't get rid of.

When I returned to Kaohsiung to live in my thirties, my mother smiled and mentioned her stalking me at that time, with a question in her tone, "Why did you not believe you so much at that time?" At that moment, I wonder if she finally figured it out:

Maybe people's whole life is to constantly and constantly fight against all the anxiety and anxiety within themselves. Don't let yourself be like a rubber band that is so tight that it will break, but have those elastic elasticity.

When I was middle-aged, thinking of my mother's unease when I was young still made me feel as if my chest was pressed down and I couldn't breathe hard. I was always afraid that if I took a wrong step, my mother would do anything. The things I don't want to happen (anything that will jump on the social news page); these unease have also been internalized into a part of my body and life, and I need to use all my strength to move towards the beliefs that I believe in, in order to slightly unravel those uneasiness and anxiety.

actually. Mother's Love Series.

Figure: 200810 Sanxin merchants. Film machine. This should have been my mother's perspective at the time.