Record life l The mood of accompanying a friend who wants to commit suicide

For four consecutive days of spring break, most of the time was indoors. On the one hand, because of the outbreak of the epidemic, it is better to go out less; on the other hand, I am with my friends. If I don't accompany him these days, maybe the end will be unimaginable.

According to the friend's statement, he has been having suicidal thoughts. This time he failed again emotionally, having turned suicidal thoughts into action. A while ago he told me about his suicide plan and saw the tools. It wasn't until a few days ago that I saw his suicide note that I thought things might be a bit big.

This process was hard work for him and for me.

I didn't tell his family right away and it made me feel stressed

When I think about it now, I feel like my heart is quite big. When I saw his suicide tool a few weeks ago, I should have taken positive actions other than "accompanying", for example: telling his family, or reporting to the suicide prevention center. But I didn't do it. At that time, I was thinking: "Will it take a while and I will feel better after the mood eases?", "Once I tell my family, will it destroy my trust relationship with him? Especially since he has always firmly refused me to tell his family. Once I tell my family, will he not confess all this in front of me in the future? Or does he feel that I betrayed him and caused him a second injury?" He also vaguely regarded it as a bet, betting that at that time he would not Will not take concrete actions that put lives at risk.

I don't know if it's my nerves and no sense of crisis, or my assessment and intuition are right? According to the suicide assessment I have learned in the past, according to his situation a few weeks ago, in fact, it is already in a high-crisis situation, and it must be reported immediately without saying a word. And if the situation suddenly gets worse, or if he actually succeeds in taking his own life, I might really feel guilty for the rest of my life. During this period, as long as I didn't meet him, I would call him from time to time to confirm his situation, or through social software to see if he was online, or when he was online, to judge Is he safe. But it's actually quite tiring.

Until Sunday, which happened to be his family dinner time. At first, I just wanted to say that A can have a free meal, so I decided to dine with them. It was only when I got to the restaurant that I realized it was a good opportunity to tell his family the truth. So I sneaked out and told his brother what happened. At first, he guessed that I had slipped out for so long because when I secretly told his brother about him, I felt super frustrated, but under my various improvisations and script designs, fortunately, I didn't make him feel bad for the time being. I betrayed him.

At least I was relieved to tell his family what happened. At least I don't have to take care of him alone. When tired, someone can take over.

Interactions full of emotional tension are draining my spirit

Then again, he continued to have some very bizarre behavior last Monday. Example: When we were on the phone, his tone sounded normal. Until he drove to pick me up, as soon as I got into the car, he burst into tears, and then burst into laughter the next second after bursting into tears. I can't tell if he is really depressed? Or just venting? Or acting? Or is he really crazy? Plus he drives the car, as a passenger, I am afraid that he will suddenly lose control. After all, I still want to live! I can only hold back my nervousness and dare not say too much, because I don't know which of my words will irritate him. Even if I have some emotions at the moment, most of the time I can only swallow them silently.

During the holidays, I stayed at his house and watched him at all times. He went out to drive in the middle of the night one day, and after thinking for a while, I realized that something was wrong, I called him immediately, and I dared not fall asleep until he came home. Or his sudden burst of crying, depression, all kinds of complaints, all kinds of hopeless remarks, in fact, it is a shock to me again and again.

What makes me more stressed is that he will keep bringing up his suicide plan and specific dates. It was a kind of mental torture and wear and tear. In addition to the emotional tension these conversations are, they left me feeling extremely powerless. What comfort, psychological counseling, companionship, etc., can be done, what should be said, has been done and said. I know that he will definitely not be able to digest everything at the moment, and it is normal for his emotions to go up and down, but it is extremely tiring to deal with it head-on. Obviously I'm not at work, but I'm more tired than going to work.

Regarding the issue of "autonomy of life", I can't respond, maybe because of my personal selfishness

During the conversation with him, he would often ask me one thing: "I am in so much pain, why don't you let me die?"

This question blew me away.

When I was a trainee psychologist a few years ago, I often talked to my supervisor about suicide: "If the client is in great pain, and the client has the autonomy of life, why can't we let the client choose to end his own life?" The supervisor at that time He approached this issue from the perspective of mental health workers, telling me that our job is to prevent clients from doing things that they regret and irreversible because of impulsive impulses. Therefore, from this point of view, whether the individual survives in life or not becomes not a "private property".

At that time, I disagreed very much. I felt that a person has the power to control his own life.

Now I'm from a professional point of view, to the client's friend. Suddenly I can't say, "Okay! I'm with you." Leaving aside the possible legal issue of abetting suicide, I think it's a contradictory pull.

On the surface, my company and guidance seem to be for his good, but I don't know which point is for his good? At this moment, he is sad and painful, and he just wants to end the pain. At present, there is no other better way to relieve his pain, and he and I do not know whether it will be in the future. And it can be seen that he has indeed done a lot of hard work and learning emotionally, but he has continued to fail. The so-called "the future will definitely be better" is just bullshit in his subjective world. I also have to admit that the world can be suffocating at times, so I can't swear to assure him that his future will be better. Not to mention the nonsense of "life is precious", for him, the success of his relationship may be above his own life.

In the end, my companionship seemed to be just because I was selfishly afraid of losing him, afraid that I would have to bear the grief of losing a friend, so I had to force him to continue living.

Does the so-called "altruistic" mentality of "for one's own good" really exist? Or is the so-called "for his own good" essentially a deep human anxiety? Or do I actually have no idea what "altruism" is? As a friend of mine, to be able to accompany him like this is a kind, loving and loyal thing in the eyes of his family, or maybe more outside eyes, but at this moment I am not. I was full of doubts about my actions. Under careful consideration, there is also a trace of contempt. Even though his brother was grateful to me, I dared not accept them fully.

Because of this, I have never been able to respond directly to his question. Even if I squeezed out the answer, I was extremely guilty, or was going around in circles without a positive response.

For me, there is a limit to what I can do to be with a suicidal friend. Sometimes he spends his time with the idea that he can "live a day, it's a day". And then looking forward to one day to come, he suddenly figured it out and was willing to continue to live happily.

Finished on 2022.04.06