The runaway mind and where it came from

It's been a long time, the feeling of uncontrollable mind.

The more time you spend with your inner self, the more surprising you will find.

When an apparent self is constructed, it is selfishly hoped that it will be fixed. But of course that is impossible, because the mind is fluid, much like impermanence.

But today I lost my heart again.

meeting at work. At the same time, the brain was performing Chinese-Japanese interpreting, recording meetings, and revising documents. After nearly an hour of continuous high concentration, the other party in the meeting lost patience and became angry for a while. It's not that he was angry and lost his mind, but he questioned me and my boss in a heavy tone.

Some of the past flashed in my mind, and the fragments of my life that were scolded bloody, my mind gradually became blank. For a split second, I collapsed. Even if I'm not in the mood.

I gently protested to the other party that I couldn't work more, and the moment I confessed to myself and the other party, at the same time I felt lost for my unprofessionalism.

The other party did not say a word at first, and then temporarily used some awkward English, trying to convey to the boss what he wanted to say. At that moment, I thought I was listening to an English podcast in my daily life, and my mind actually calmed down.

Half a minute later, I interspersed with the other party's words, typed on the keyboard to record and revised the documents as required, and opened the mouth to translate for both parties, focusing on continuing to execute my work.

After the two-hour meeting ended successfully, I still felt a little bit unable to relieve myself that I had just collapsed in an instant.

However, after I constructed the words one by one, those things seemed to become less heavy. Suddenly, it was like describing someone else's story. Once again, I experienced the flow of the heart so fast.

I failed again at mastering my mind, but I was also more used to failing. Failure is nothing, failure just means that there is still a lot to learn.

I remembered the book "Living Meaning" that I was reading recently, the author Frank's experience in the concentration camp, and the words he quoted: "I only worry about one thing, I am afraid that I am not worthy of the suffering I have endured." ——Duth Toyevsky.

As a writer who reflects on life, I always worry that I am not worthy of the words I write and the ideas I believe in.

Like writing in a memo, I write it down to remind myself what is important.

No matter what happens, don't leave your heart.