After the mental breakdown

After two years in the Spectrum student society, I became vice president.

Something to celebrate, right? But I can't be happy.

I really want to be the chairman. Even, I once thought that the position of chairman should belong to me.

I think too much.

Spectrum is an LGBT organization. Some of my friends are founders, and I myself jumped in when they were hiring. At that time, I was just a financial officer, and I didn’t have any lofty ambitions. I just wanted to find an experience that could be written on my resume. After all, I was a professional counterpart. I'm happy to be behind the scenes doing my financial work. Do it for two years.

I lied. My desire to win and lose has always pushed me to advance, but the real rush for the presidency came when I wrote "I'm LGBT, Say What I Think." I found that I care more about LGBT than I thought. The text I wrote is so resonant, doesn't it mean that I am interested in LGBT? Coincidentally, one of the former chairman and vice-chairman graduated and the other studied abroad, leaving two positions vacated. At the club's year-end party, a few new friends who had just met, when they learned that I had been a treasurer for two years, said:

"You really don't want to be chairman? You're quite responsible."

"If you become the chairman, our two societies will cooperate."

"You're a senior when you start school, and there's no other chance."

With one word from you, and one word from me, the sprout of running for the chairman of "Spectrum" has quietly grown into a towering tree. After all, who would have no ambition.

Knowing this, my mother encouraged me to try it, and said that it was a good exercise opportunity and a place that the company favors. Hans @维民之志 is a direct guarantee that as long as I try bravely, no matter what the result is, he will overcome his social fear and participate in the activities of the "spectrum" club in order to support me.

Suddenly encouraged, I regained my long-lost self-confidence. After thinking about it, there are only three current staff plus me, so I only have two competitors at most. Dispelled the doubts of "Can I do it?" and began to imagine what it would be like to be the chairman. Picture yourself speaking to the admiring eyes of people, speaking comforting and inspiring words to those in need, and standing up when people need it, clapping your chest and saying, "I'm the chairman, just call me if you need anything. ."

There is that powerful article on Matters, the connections, the fighting spirit, and the expectations of so many people. For them, I will also be the chairman. However, how arrogant I was at that time, how embarrassed I will be after that.

Mercury may be retrograde for me today. Doing the mock questions for the actuarial exam, I felt that I did a good job, but I got a low score. The exam is not far away, and with this score, my registration fee may be wasted.

I wanted to divert my attention, I clicked on Glory of Kings (moba mobile game), and played a few games with Hans, but I found the urge to uninstall the game a few years ago because I played too badly and was reported by my teammates. Hans couldn't even take me. Yu Ji's first skill only hit once out of ten times, and only one head was taken in the audience. There is no doubt that even after a few games, they all ended in defeat.

I know it's just a game, and I know I'll have fun playing with Hans, but I'm a guy who cares about winning or losing. The purpose of playing games is to have fun, but I just can't find happiness like this. What are you doing with it? I'm not slow to respond, so I don't have talent?

Not sure why I still look at Instagram. Seeing M ( from the unobtainable lover ) have a good time with a girl, it's a little uncomfortable. I admit I'm jealous. In a fit of rage, I shut down her Instagram, but what I saw was deeply imprinted in my mind.

Being abused by doing questions, abused by playing games, abused by watching Instagram. I threw the phone directly on the table, put my hand on my forehead, and lowered my head. Hans on the other end of the phone persuaded me to stay with him for a while, and I hesitated to agree. There was a rock beside my feet. I didn't see it pleasing to the eye, so I picked it up, faced the big tree, and smashed a thick branch with a "bang".

Hans had some troubles himself, but he chose to stay with me nonetheless. While I was moved, I also hated myself a little bit. Another trouble for people.

When I remembered the sound of the message, my heart that had just calmed down a little bit again. I was so confident that I forgot that today was the day of the campaign chairman. It took half an hour to write the speech while Hans was cooking. The structure was laid out, rehearsed a few times, and then greeted with the beating of your own heart.

I took the lead and posted the translated article as an argument. I also mentioned the glorious deeds of attracting many audiences without any prior preparation at a certain event, and how many people I knew and how many opportunities to increase the influence of the society. . I breathed a sigh of relief when the talk was over, but I was so nervous that my hands trembled just a little bit.

The voting process is long. The former chairman and the former vice-chairman discussed for a long time in the Breakout room, and decided to choose two of the three candidates for the election as the chairman, and the remaining one as the vice-chairman, because they thought the three of us were awesome. I was secretly delighted. With a two-thirds probability, it's my turn.

Ideal is full, the reality is very skinny. When I was announced as vice-chairman, I forced a smile on my face. Although this is also a happy thing, it is far from my expectations. I realized that of the three, I was the worst.

Am I younger than them? But what does this have to do with age. English is not my native language? But I've been here for almost seven years, and I can speak English. I have no leadership experience? True, but none of my adaptability makes up for it. I'm not coming out? I have a criminal record? Yes, but they definitely don't have my enthusiasm, my sensitivity, and my time. Where am I wrong?

Frustrated sitting in a chair, overwhelmed by frustration and a collapsed mindset. Disappointed everyone. Hans came over and gave me a hug and said, "You tried your best. I'll definitely support you."

"...Thank you" I replied after a while.

It's been four hours since the election results were announced, and I'm still thinking about it. Are they too strong, or am I too weak?

I may be taking the enemy too lightly. Don't look at how well they compliment me on the surface, in fact, they have long hidden a knife in their smiles. People flat A, I even let go of the ultimate move. After the two of them spoke, my inaccurate intuition told me that I was cold.

I'm in a bad mood today too. A combination of things made me too forceful and impassioned when speaking, even to the point of excitement. On the other hand, they are calm, calm, and chatting in midfield, and they don't seem nervous at all. That's right, how can someone as emotional as me be the decision maker of the society?

I figured it out. I am really bad. Poor mentality. The desire to win or lose is strong, but the force is too strong, and the haste is not enough. If you lose, you should reflect, but I blame others for not knowing how to appreciate yourself. But I can't do anything. I had the idea of just letting it go, but that would prove even more that I couldn't afford to lose.

But I have to be prepared to accept that I'm not high on the Spectrum, and if they hold me down with the presidency, I'll have to stand my ground like a homophobic person.

Well, it's funny and sad. One of them was introduced by me, and the other was just transferred to the school for a year, but they ran much faster than me. The clown was me.