Domestic Violence: Often more than one form of abuse

Domestic violence is the pattern of behavior that a family member(s) use to gain or maintain power and control over other family members, and it can manifest itself in a variety of ways. And, in an abusive relationship, more than one form of abusive behavior is often present.

People tend to think that domestic violence only occurs in intimate relationships, but it also often occurs in parent-child or sibling relationships; while most of the time we think of the abuser as a male or an authoritative parent, In many cases, the abuser is precisely the younger brother or sister of the seemingly weak woman, child, or sibling...  

For example: in an emotional relationship, if a woman wants to manipulate the person she likes, it is likely to take a series of behaviors that isolate men—

Sowing the relationship between men and their family and friends, causing them to be excluded and isolated. At this time, she will just give him comfort and comfort when he is most helpless. So it is easy and logical to win the trust and even admiration of men. But if a man cannot restrain his anger and fights against the woman after learning of a series of "conspiracies" by the woman, most people who do not understand the situation will first condemn the man and turn to sympathize with the woman. However, in a strict sense, both of them "played" the roles of abuser and abuser, only switching roles at different stages.

This also shows that the so-called "housework" in our eyes is not "good or bad, right or wrong" can be generalized. Because too many people only see the superficial phenomenon, they do not go deep into the reason, so they will be more "help" and busier, making the original uncomplicated "housework" become "continuously unorganized and chaotic." It is even more terrifying. The fact is that it is this ignorant "mediation" that indirectly fuels the thoughts and behaviors of the perpetrator, and the TA will even really believe that he is not wrong.

Most people think that it is only "domestic violence" when the abuser does it and the victim gets bruised and bruised. In fact, the perpetrator wants to make the abused person under his own control through a series of "domination, suppression and manipulation" behaviors. In this series of behaviors, psychological manipulation is the most secret manipulation method.

1. Mental abuse

Psychological manipulation falls under the category of "Psychological Abuse", also known as "Emotional Abuse". It mainly refers to the non-physical behavior of the abuser to control or subdue the abused person through verbal attacks, humiliation or fear of the abused person. This is the most insidious and least visible form of domestic violence, manifested in:

1: Moral Kidnapping Guilt Tripping

It can be seen from the English literal meaning that the abuser tries to control the emotions or behavior of the other party by making the abused person feel guilty and guilty.

Their common words: I gave up\sacrificed so much for you, how could you treat me like this; I paid so much for you, but you... Little things can't satisfy me; do you know how hard it is for me to bring you up with all my hard work...  

2: Gaslighting

The gaslighting effect is when the abuser denies the abused person's perception of reality in various ways, making them self-doubt. When the abuser develops strong self-doubt and cannot distinguish between true and false, the abuser achieves control over the abused.

Their common words: I'm not angry, you think too much; how can I get angry with you, don't be so stingy; don't be so sensitive...

3: Humiliation

The abuser uses abusive words or actions to attack the abused and even shame them in public.

Their common words: mud can't support the wall; you're just a piece of garbage; you don't die, it's useless... They force the abused to admit their mistakes, or use extreme ways to make the abused admit their mistakes. For example: let the abused person beat himself; apologize in front of others in public; kneel down and beg for mercy, etc.

4: Control Overcontrol

The abuser requires that everything of the abused person should be within his control, prohibits all social activities of the abused person, and restricts the person and even the freedom of thought of the abused person.

Their common phrases: you can't\n't (go out); you're not allowed to meet so-and-so; you have to stay at home for me; you can only be with me...

They are also adept at threatening, intimidating, stalking and harassing victims of abuse, especially using modern technology. For example: look at the abused person's mobile phone address book, photo album, social circle, E-mail and messages without permission; ask the abused person not to have information exchanges with other people; use black technology to monitor and track each other; Threatening the other party to be disobedient will damage their reputation and so on.

5: Belittling Belittling

The abuser degrades the self-worth of the abused person through various aspects, making them feel inferior, ashamed, and powerless to resist.

Their common words: if you can't do such a small thing well, what else can you do; three-year-old children are better than you; no wonder you can't accomplish anything...

6: Shifting Blame

The abuser believes that they are never at fault and that it is always someone else's fault, and they always refuse to admit their mistakes and apologize.

Their common language: if you hadn't forced me, I wouldn't do it; it's because you didn't listen to me that I had to do it; why did you force me to do it? ......

2. Physical abuse

"Physical Abuse" is one of the most well-known forms of domestic violence. The abuser often intentionally uses physical violence to cause great physical and psychological harm to the victim.

It is worth noting that in a parent-child relationship, corporal punishment of a child by a parent is domestic violence! Whether slapping, twisting ears, spanking, spanking, or even more violent behavior, in a society with sound laws, it already constitutes "abuse". (See General Comment 19(13) of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child)

Physical abuse manifests as:

The abuser uses "weapons", including but not limited to knives, sticks, canes, etc. to attack the abused person; throws objects (dishes, ashtrays, telephones, etc.) at the abused person; destroys objects during a fight, such as a hammer Wall, kicking door, smashing glass or mirror, etc.; pushing or pulling the abused party; holding on to the abused person and not letting go; desperately shaking the abused person or tearing the other person's hair; hitting, beating, kicking, biting, pinching the abused person grabbing the victim’s face and forcing him to look at him; imprisoning the victim, locking doors or blocking exits; tying up or restricting the victim from leaving; not allowing the victim to eat or sleep (deprivation of physical needs of the abuser); threats to everything the abuser values (such as family, children, pets, etc.).

3. Sexual Abuse

It is important to note that sexual abuse is not the same as rape. Sexual abuse is any verbal, attitude or behavior that is sexually offensive to another person's body, intimidating, humiliating and fearful.

In an intimate relationship, ignoring the physical or psychological feelings of the other party and forcing the other party to have X behavior with oneself is also domestic violence.

4. Reproductive coercion

One party coerces, controls or deprives the other of reproductive rights.

For example: A woman wants a child very much, but her significant other is strongly against it and tries to prevent it from happening in various ways. For example: tampering with contraceptive methods, asking her to have an abortion, etc.; or, a woman does not want to have a child, but her husband and family put all kinds of pressure on her, and tampering with contraceptive methods to make her pregnant, Even threatened her and so on.

Often, it is easier to assume that this part of the victims is only female. But it's not. For example, fertility coercion occurs when a woman tries to keep her partner by any means she can get pregnant, in order to continue her relationship with her significant other, no matter how bad their current state of affairs is.

5. Economic Abuse

Most of the abused are vulnerable groups without financial means, especially women, the elderly and children. Some adults and financially independent people will become abusers by voluntarily surrendering or relinquishing control of money due to physical or psychological abuse by their abusers.

Ways of financial abuse: Concealing your personal or family financial situation from the other party; preventing, interfering with, or sabotaging the other party's preferred work or career; taking or stealing the other party's money; Very little pocket money; strictly control or not give pocket money or credit cards at all; strictly control where every penny used by the other party goes; take or take away all the other party's necessities (food, personal items, personal property, etc.) .

In many cases, the abuser will skillfully use a combination of two or more of the above to control the abused.

Those who grew up in loving families often feel that domestic violence is like a TV show. But the more real situation is that most people have been or are experiencing domestic violence without knowing it.

If domestic violence occurs so frequently, why don't the abused leave the abuser? We will discuss this topic in the next issue.

Author: One person, one world (Blog: heartroad.org), a yogic astrologer who uses psychology to heal himself.

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