Reflective Diary (1)

Picture first. The first rejection letter was received three days after the approximately two-month application period ended (January 18).

It was not surprising to receive the rejection letter. After all, I had been worried about my fate of being "all in Germany" for about two years. But the moment I actually received the email sent in the early morning, I could still feel a little frustration inside. Even though it clearly says: "please know that the committee's decision is not a reflection of your ability or potential", rationally I fully understand the "metaphysics" in the application and the obvious shortcomings of my qualifications in the application. I was still a little disappointed when I saw the result. Especially since it’s already the end of January and I haven’t received any interview notification yet, the American PhD lottery that I got twice in a row in Wong Tai Sin may really come true.

Speaking of the theme of "application" that I have been struggling with recently, actually wanting to study for a PhD in the United States is not a long-term plan. As for the important factors that influenced this decision, I generally think there are three points. First, I went to the United States during the summer vacation of my third year of college. This experience broke some of my previous stereotypes about this country, and I thought the natural environment and academic atmosphere there were comfortable and desirable; secondly, the "tremendous changes" that Hong Kong society has experienced in recent years. , made me almost give up any positive expectations for the future here; and the last straw was the twenty-eight days of isolation life I experienced alone under the clarion call of "dynamic clearing", which made me reflect even more on the "iron fist" of society. ” and “dust” will continue to hit you. Natural sciences in the United States usually directly offer high-threshold doctoral programs. In addition, financial constraints made it difficult for me to apply for a paid master's degree in Europe, so I decided to apply for a doctorate in the United States as a priority.

Apart from these incentives, I actually didn’t think about studying for a PhD at the beginning. As a person who is not confident enough, I was already hesitating when I declared my major in the first year: I was worried that I would not be able to cope with the sharp increase in the difficulty of the upper-level courses, and I was worried that I did not have the ability and intelligence to try scientific research... Although I got dean's list again and again, but the moment I failed in the scientific research internship interview made me question that maybe I was just a student who only had some test-taking skills but didn't understand the real meaning behind the formulas and theories . However, what is somewhat surprising is that most of the feedback from scientific research mentors is positive. But I can’t seem to draw the conclusion that I have the ability and suitability to engage in science from the positive feedback or the slow progress of the project.

When I was writing the essay, I wanted to give up several times, probably because I felt that there was little hope and I was suffering internally. I hope that through the review of words, I can slowly understand and understand myself better at this stage.