"About Daughter" The frame on the daughter is the mother's excessive expectations

As a daughter, do you meet the expectations of a mother?

As a mother, do you want your daughter to meet your expectations?

As a woman, do you meet the expectations of social values?

What is the value of women?

As a woman, no matter how high your education is or how successful your career is, parents and society will always evaluate women in terms of "whether they are married" and "whether they have children" , and mothers have not been able to develop their talents in the past. The loss and the grievances of being oppressed by the patriarchal system are also easy to be pinned on her after giving birth to her daughter. On the one hand, I hope that my daughter can strive for the education and achievements that everyone admires, but on the other hand, I hope that my daughter can find a good home to have children. Although there is no conflict between the two, there are indeed women who can achieve it perfectly. However , the life of a woman is really difficult. Is there nothing else more important? If you don't follow the established life process, will your past efforts be in vain and life will no longer be meaningful?

The protagonist in the book is a mother who sacrificed her self-development and worked hard to raise her daughter. She hopes that her daughter will have a stable job (civil servant or teaching position), enough financial capacity to cover basic living expenses, and a partner (marriage) who can accompany her throughout her life. In addition to the helpless daughter's poor work (homeless teacher) and financial gaps (inability to pay her debts), the biggest blow to her mother is that her daughter is a lesbian. Seeing that her daughter's life was a mess and she had to rely on herself with her partner, the loss and anger of being a mother emerged spontaneously, and all of this reached a white-hot state after her daughter and her partner moved in with her mother.

What do those irrelevant people have to do with me?

The role of another woman arranged in the novel is a famous woman whom the mother takes care of in the nursing institution. This old and famous woman has done a lot of good deeds when she was young and helped some people who are not related to her. The child, however, suffered from severe dementia in his later years, but no family members came to visit. This mother felt very embarrassed, and kept questioning in her heart why this famous woman wanted to help those who had nothing to do with her? It's just the end of helping others, is it really worth it?

The mother's cry stems from the fact that even though her work and economy are unstable, her daughter still devotes herself to the LGBT rights movement. In the eyes of her mother, the appearance of shouting and protesting on the street is not a proper job. Why waste time on irrelevant people? Woolen cloth? Can't you just live an ordinary life? But what my daughter said shocked me. She said, " People like my mother are preventing us from doing anything. " This means that in this society, there are so many people watching from the sidelines, so that a few people can clearly see their rights and interests. Damaged but still not supported by everyone, this also points out the social discrimination and crushing that her daughter faces as a lesbian.

As a mother, I don't want my daughter to become a volunteer or a social activist, but when my daughter is a minority, do they really have the same idea? The so-called "ordinary life" that the mother expects is actually extremely extraordinary and laborious to achieve . In the disposal of the famous woman who was arbitrarily treated and discarded, the mother realized that the worldly framework is not irrevocable, and must be changed . The indifference and hostility in this world only need to come forward. People and things that I once thought were irrelevant are actually closely related to us.

Understand that acceptance is a process

The novel also deeply depicts the many emotions a mother has when her daughter is a comrade, such as self-blame, worry, fear, etc. The mother can't understand which link went wrong to isolate her daughter from marriage and childbirth, and it is even more difficult to imagine. The scene where the daughter shares the bed with another woman and has an intimate relationship, and all this seems to completely deny her years of parenting hard work. While the mother is disgusted with her daughter, she is actually torturing herself. The long-term feeling of loss caused by the sadness Depression is also a psychological trauma.

If a parent can first understand that it is not a sin and a failure for their children to be "different" from others, and slowly hand the rope of destiny back to their children, I think this is a major breakthrough, as for total acceptance. It will take time, so don't be too impatient.

The breadth of love determines your happiness

Many women always think that the child they have worked so hard to conceive should be carefully crafted by us, as if an object was created from scratch and can be shaped exactly according to our own preferences. One until they are satisfied, but people are not like objects. Everyone has independent thinking and characteristics. If you don’t recognize the fact that “the child will eventually lead his own life”, then the love of a mother will be very heavy, even It will overwhelm the child and cause tragedy . For mothers who have to control what to eat, how much to eat, and how much water to drink from childhood, if this anxiety persists until the child grows up and has not eased, then such love will only keep the child away from the mother, not just put it on her own. The expectations of the children have failed, and the fate of each other has become more and more shallow. Is this the result we want as mothers?

The author Kim Hye-jin's novel explores not only the various kinds of exploitation women face, but also the desire for kindness and great loss of parenthood. Another female appearance is a social realistic novel that is worth pondering and exploring. Through the female characters in the author's pen, it seems to express our heartfelt voice. Whether it is you as a mother or a daughter, I hope we don't No matter how much self-blame and guilt feel, just remember that any excessive expectations are not as important as the close relationship between relatives . In addition to mutual trust and love, you should also give more love to other people in need.