The secret of long-distance relationship maintenance

范米索

Sep 9, 2022

IPFS

There's no secret, it's just a load

I will find you or rough or smooth

I don't look back for you

I will chase wherever

I'll come and find you

Oh anywhere til I can find you

Who can stop me from the sky to the end of the earth

Whether you are on the peak or the valley

I'll come and find you

Love can cross mountains and feel eager to follow. Each of us can have the determination to be loved and to be loved. Because I'll come and find you ,wherever you go.——Deng Ziqi "Find you"

"You are very lucky to have such feelings."

I have heard this phrase countless times, and I am convinced of it.

The relationship between me and Ai is still three months away, and the separation takes two years and three months. Most of the time, we live in our own hemispheres, reversing black and white, living in different places without disturbing each other.

If you really want to ask about any secrets, then I can only tell the truth, there are no secrets, it's just that they are "loading" each other forward.

Weight-bearing is not a derogatory term. Only you know the ups and downs brought by long-distance love in these years. If you can choose, I do not recommend you to try to challenge this love model at all.

To this day, I feel that I am here by "luck".

(1)

Ai and I met on social software in December 2019, and it didn't take long for the epidemic to break out. We were forced to start an online dating relationship for more than two years without even seeing each other. Therefore, during his online dating with me, I have always been given the title "Ai" by my friends around me.

It wasn't until this year that we met for the first time, got acquainted with each other in the real physical world, and parted ways again and continued to live in different places with "years" as the unit.

Today, for me, this relationship has long passed the love period.

Two days ago, Ai said to me, "When I study and work, my mind is full of you. Do you miss me?"

When I heard this question, I hesitated for a while, and then I chose to tell him frankly:

"I think our relationship has entered a dull period. You are like the guitar in the corner of my room. When I think about it occasionally, I will hold it and play a few times, but I will continue to put it back in the corner after playing for a while. Started busy with my own business, but this guitar is quietly in the corner, I also know it is there with me, I don't need to be distracted to take care of it at all, and I can concentrate on it without distraction On things like reading, working, studying, etc.”

He was amused by my frankness. Although I knew it was a bit hurtful, my character didn't like to hide it, and I was fully confident that with his understanding of me and his own character, this frankness would not be the same. won't hurt him.

I remember two years ago, I expressed a point of view -

I think that a life that has experienced a long-distance relationship and can still be together will definitely be several levels higher than the life without a long-distance relationship. The intimacy of the relationship and the resilience to resist risks are several levels. , especially a long-distance relationship based on years, then it will be somewhat regrettable.

Before the "so", I still maintain the point of view at the time, but after the "so", I just want to overthrow, because this may not be a regret, but may be a "risk-off strategy" for relationship stability .

I know that many of my friends have a longing for a long-distance relationship because they have read the full story of my long-distance relationship with Ai from the beginning to the present, and they are even willing to try to start a long-distance relationship, but I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart :

The story that happened to me was an extremely unlikely event, as small as the probability of Newton getting hit on the head by an apple and deducing the law of gravity, and I've even attributed it to "luck".

Because the long-distance relationship mode is really difficult to play, I have countless times when I can't play and want to shut down and go offline. Therefore, if you can stay in different places, I suggest not to choose this Super hard mode. It is likely that after you try different places, you may have stepped on the accelerator for this relationship to enter the finale.

This is no different from an investment game. If you go to a risky investment tool, then you need to face the vicious results that this risk will bring to you, but in the same way, you may get a high amount corresponding to the risk. return.

In my eyes, the complexity and uncertainty of a long-distance relationship is like a transaction. It requires a lot of thinking and strategy, but it is also inseparable from a factor called "luck".

(2)

Why do I think my long-distance relationship is now mostly due to luck?

In the beginning, my motivation for choosing to match each other had nothing to do with dating. After returning from Japan, I just wanted to re-practice my Japanese and chose match for the purpose of making friends. As for his appearance, it is not the type I want to date.

It was the first accident that he didn't fit my aesthetic.

On the day of the match, I treated him as a pure stranger friend, because he was not in my city, he lived in Japan, which also led me to have no idea about him.

This is the second accident, we are not in the same city, country, there are no dating conditions.

I found him to be very talkative, so my conversations with him increased day by day, precisely because I didn't think about dating, so we talked about countless bits and pieces, including I even shared my previous dating experience with him, Ask him emotional questions, and he also shared with me his previous dating situation and even sounded like it must be regarded as Playboy's experience, and even broke the news to each other.

In my mind, he is a "scumbag", but it doesn't prevent me from being friends with him, because he is humorous and interesting, very suitable for being a friend, and I am curious about Latin America, so that our topic has become more and more more.

This is the third accident. We know each other about the black material that cannot be told to outsiders. If this kind of black material is not known in advance, but is known during the communication process, there is a high probability that both parties will be grumpy.

I don’t like or get used to using a second language every day. My mother tongue allows me to carry on many deep topics in an easy way, but if the other half is not the same language user as me, I will think it will be very troublesome to communicate with each other. Differences in cultural background, way of thinking, and eating habits are even more resistance, so before I met him, I didn't want the other half to be foreigners.

My ideal partner should have a background similar to mine, low cost of communication, easier information exchange, and many things to do together.

This is the fourth accident, his innate identity does not meet my mate selection criteria.

He is a student, and there is a big age gap with me. The content and major of his studies is rock music.

This is the fifth accident. The age gap is too large, and the difference in occupation and major is too large, which completely does not meet my expectations for the external conditions of the other half.

Seeing this, I believe you may be able to understand why I think this relationship can start completely by accident, or even purely by luck at the beginning.

Unexpectedly, these five coincidences correspond to the impossibility, but the misunderstandings have played a great role in the maintenance of the long-distance relationship.

Now that I have come to this day, I have deeply understood many things that you think are "impossible and impossible", which will inadvertently bring you a lot of unexpected things, break or even refresh your cognition after you actively or passively accept them.

(3)

Our relationship started very sloppily, on the 7th day we met and chatted, he suddenly made my first video call and confessed to me, but I didn't take it seriously at the time, so I regarded him as an online Treated as an electronic lover, and told him that you can always find a real Girlfriend offline.

On the other hand, I myself have arranged follow-up offline dates with other guys, and I think a playboy like him would be happy to accept such an offer.

In the end, he smiled and said to me after listening to my proposal: "You can treat me as an online boyfriend, but to me, you are my girlfriend both online and offline."

I remember reconfirming with him several times at the time and saying, "You mean serious relationship? Isn't it just dating?"

he said yes."

I stared at him on the screen with a serious look on his face, and I, who was originally a playboy, suddenly felt a sense of guilt, and after thinking about it, I canceled the offline date with others.

As you can see, the beginning of this relationship is full of drama, play, absurdity, inexplicable, illogical...

In the early days, we would chat every day, but I am not a person who likes to make voice calls, because I have never experienced a long-distance relationship in my life, and I can't understand what a long-distance relationship is talking about for hours on the phone, which is a waste of time.

However, what is interesting is that at that time, when I chatted with him, the two of them were very excited and happy. It was not the happiness of the lovers during the love period, but the happiness of discussing the topic and opinions.

At that time, I was concentrating on doing the content related to thinking and cognition that I liked. In addition to consulting a lot of online materials and browsing many related books, I would share the content and thinking points with him, and he often gave me completely different ideas. views and opinions.

Before, I also dated some boys, but I would find that the two were discussing a phenomenon or event, sharing their own opinions, but in the end it turned into a quarrel. To refute the other party's idea or point of view, or "Forget it, don't say it."

A good discussion can only end in a volcanic eruption, and it begins to fall into a cold war. After several back and forth, the willingness of the two sides to communicate has become lower and lower, and they can only have to break up hastily and go their separate ways.

However, his communication method is really brilliant. I think character talent is one part, and acquired education is another part.

How does he do it?

Every time I share some phenomena, news or opinions with him, I will find that his listening ability is very strong, he will not interrupt or interject impolitely, even if he wants to interrupt in the middle, he will "raise his hand" to remind me, and When I see his raised hands in the video, I stop talking and let him "speak".

Secondly, most of the time, he thinks very differently from me, but he can always use a very humorous and funny way to point out some problems behind my ideas that I can't see, instead of being bossy. Deny me, teach me again.

Third, when he shares and expresses his views on differences, his tone and attitude are very peaceful and friendly, and he is not at all aggressive and critical of the other party.

Therefore, every time I chat with him, in the process of discussing some issues, I can not only re-examine my own thoughts and problems, but also add his thoughts, and finally get emotional happiness.

We would often burst out laughing without image in the process of discussion. Countless times I laughed so hard that I was laughing back and forth, tears spilled, and slammed the table. There was no such thing as a ladylike image, and he didn't care about my lack of image at all. State, I can live very real in front of him.

(4)

When I met him, he had just passed his 21st birthday. As a student, he would also have some confusion about the future, but his thoughts and personality were quite mature among the boys of the same age that I had come into contact with.

As a person who is 5 years older than him, I have been in the society for a long time and have accumulated a certain amount of experience and experience, so to a certain extent, my appearance has an impact on his current life choices. to a very crucial role.

Before he met me, none of his predecessors were older than him, and each of them required him to worry about the other party's studies, solve the other party's confusion and anxiety, etc., but it was precisely age that was placed here, I don't He needs to take care of the other half's anxiety about his studies and the future when he has not yet grown up.

In addition, my experience and what I am doing now are very special among the people I come into contact with, which are completely different from most office workers and migrant workers, so I am destined to spare time and energy to have a lot of conversations with him, It even gave him a certain direction in life.

During my relationship with him, I found the career direction I wanted to do in my life, adult education. And his appearance has added additional diverse samples and references for me to do this.

During the period of thinking about adult education, in addition to reading a lot of related books, I will often record and observe his thinking, which is why I am very willing to talk to him, it is not only my life, you can even think of it as me work needs.

Of course, in my world, life and work are already integrated, and there is no need to distinguish between them. As I said before, "playing" can also be my work.

As a foreigner, it is precisely because of the difference in the growth environment and the mental education that I received, it can help me jump out of some fixed thinking, break my stereotype, and help me re-examine and question the "many" brought about by my own growth environment. unreasonable".

If I can't detect these "irrational", subconsciously accepted and disciplined, let alone other people who were conceived in the same background.

Therefore, the "innate identity difference" in choosing a mate at the beginning will become a very important part of our topic later, and even help me to think about life, and thus help my career research direction.

For him, my presence, on the one hand, allowed him to better understand the current situation and thinking of the Chinese people, some interesting phenomena and cultures in China, the Chinese people's ideas of making money, etc., and further deepened a more three-dimensional understanding of China-related things cognition.

Fortunately, he is also a very curious person, and he will take the initiative to ask questions that he does not understand.

He has no shame in asking questions at all, nor does he worry about whether his questions will be stupid, being ashamed of being judged by the other party, etc. On the contrary, he will ask questions tirelessly and stubbornly, and the interesting thing is that his Some of the questions were so simple that I couldn't answer them at all.

Because I never thought about the "why" of many things that are taken for granted, but just when he asked, I started to re-examine and fell into thinking.

If I wasn't in love with him, I wouldn't have to argue with him about driving a Tesla or a Nissan from the 90s, not hearing about putting a Porsche engine in a Nissan, and not discussing it. Li Shimin killed his brother, Qin Shihuang's merit and demerit evaluation, where did the ancient country of Rouran come from, China's first female pirate...

He will not be asked, "Why is Sun Wukong named Sun Wukong? What is the difference between Sun Xingzhe and Sun Wukong? What do Wukong, Wu Neng and Wu Jing mean?"

Including, he would share with me some sentences that he encountered when he read "Journey to the West", but I didn't come into contact with these philosophical words at all while reading "Journey to the West".

He will share with me why he likes Bruce Lee, how Bruce Lee created the kung fu movie genre in Hollywood, how he changed the discrimination of white people against people of the yellow race, Bruce Lee's martial arts and his philosophy of life, etc. And he also made me realize At this point, I thought I knew everything in my own culture, but in fact I didn't know anything about it.

Through his explanation, I later realized that the reason why so many foreigners like and appreciate Bruce Lee is not only his kung fu, but also his humorous personality and his philosophical thoughts.

In addition to serious dialogue, he also taught me how to respond with "humor" to some unreasonable things.

I remember one time, when we were chatting, he suddenly asked me:

"Do you know the story of a general in ancient China who did humiliating things in order to achieve his goals?"

When I replied to him "Goujian the King of Yue", he sent me the story of "Han Xin was humiliated in the crotch" and told me:

"That's why I can now act like a little milk dog."

I looked angry and laughed.

I know that most boys don't want to be called a little puppy, and I have a relatively strong personality and have some bad tastes, so I will naturally add my bad tastes to the other person to make fun of them, but I am glad that he was given to me by me. This kind of title is not angry, but silently learning my culture and accepting it with a sense of humor and irony with the culture I know.

Another time, when we were discussing The Squid Game, and we were discussing who dies first and what to do with death, he told me:

"If I die, I have a plan, you learn some car modification skills, repaint my car and mix it with my ashes, so that I can be one with my beloved Nissan and protect you.

If you drive out and scratch someone else in the future, you can jump out of the car and akimbo angrily say to that person, "You scratched paint with my husband's ashes!" and ask for a higher premium! "

His witty humor and huge brain hole often make me laugh out loud. He can easily resolve many dangerous problems. Not only will he not get into a quarrel with each other, but in the end, both sides will laugh and be amazed.

In addition to these, we are also growing each other on our own life track. Fortunately, he is willing to learn, and I am willing to teach. Like his mentor outside the university, I teach him many more specific and practical contents. In the past two years of his life, he has been influenced by me and has been exposed to a lot of business, finance and other related knowledge in advance, so as to prepare in advance for entering the society.

The above communication methods and communication content almost constitute the entire content of "what to talk about" in our long-distance relationships.

(5)

In addition to the collision and sharing of daily viewpoints, there is also a part about "self" in intimate relationships.

Candid self-exposure to the other half is also the key to maintaining this relationship. No one wants to show their shortcomings in front of the other half, they always want to present themselves in perfect form.

I remember one time I had a deep conversation with him and I asked him, "Do you know yourself?"

he tells me:

“Sometimes I feel like I know myself, and sometimes I feel like I don’t. In my childhood, a lot of what I did and a lot of achievements came from fulfilling my dad’s expectations, and I was doing those things without realizing it. , I have faced many difficulties, but because my father has always been optimistic, I am used to treating these difficulties with an optimistic attitude.

My college major was also what my father wanted, he thought Engineer was good, but after I went for a few semesters I realized I couldn't go on, so I went against his wishes completely.

After that incident, my parents took me to Argentina for psychotherapy. The lab is famous all over the world, and many young people who want to find themselves and are lost will go there. I spent four days doing tests in that lab and realized a lot of things I didn't think were the problem.

The test showed that my problem was Narcissism (narcissism), because of narcissism, I think about trying to be the best in everything, so that I have enough capital to satisfy my narcissism. I thought that was fine, but they made me realize how stubborn and ego I was.

Among the triangular evaluation models they gave me, one was Fight, one was Sensitive, and one was Observe. Although you always think I have a high emotional intelligence , I have been practicing how to be empathetic and how to empathize with others over the years. In fact, narcissistic people lack empathy precisely. If you want to know me better, maybe you will understand better after reading those reports. "

At that time, I heard him honestly and unfairly tell me about his psychotherapy. I was shocked, because I have also done psychotherapy, but I think it is an extremely private matter, and I don't want anyone to know at all. , even if it is the other half.

I know he had a history of being bullied when he was a kid, and he also had periods of bullying. I remember he told me that when he bullied others in middle school, he hoped that others would no longer be able to swallow up the unfair situation but fight back vigorously. Until later, when someone did, he stopped bullying each other and appreciated it. Say to the other person, "Good job."

At that time, when I heard these stories, my brain was chaotic, and he deduced the complex aspects of human nature to the extreme, so it was difficult for me to one-sidedly evaluate the right or wrong of his teenage thoughts and behaviors.

And my shortcomings, he is also very clear.

He has seen me angry and angry, I want to give up countless times, even cold and violent, and he has seen all my pain and sadness.

Every time, when I was in a low mood, I would treat him in the worst possible way, trying to push him away, but every time he never gave up, even when it was clearly my fault, he not only didn’t get angry with me, but also tried to comfort me, He just stayed with me from a distance, carefully checking to see if my emotions were relieved.

To this day, I don't think I'm a good lover, I'm not good at intimacy, I've been with him so far, I think he's teaching me how to fall in love, and in my relationship with him, I'm trying to learn and Understanding that "love" is a complicated and irregular thing, he has become my Mentor in this matter.

During these days with him, I feel that my confidence and energy strength have increased, my sense of security and my ability to love has also increased, and the energy I have gained from him has enabled me to continue to give others. Provide energy to help them get out of their gloomy, pessimistic state.

(6)

I believe that when you see this, you will realize that if the object is not him, if the object is not me, I think this long-distance relationship will not go on anyway.

If he is not an active personality , my cold violence (which can't be changed at all) and passivity will cut off this relationship at any time;

If he does not have the will to listen patiently and actively learn and share, I will not have the will to communicate and communicate with him;

If he wasn't humorous enough, I wouldn't get great emotional value out of him;

If he wasn't a student, if I wasn't a freelancer, if we all had to work for a living, 996 or 007 all day long , we might have become fussy and stingy about giving each other time;

If our minds are not open enough to each other, and we both care about the other half's career and income, then we can't establish a relationship;

If I am a person who is extremely curious and unwilling to take the initiative to learn , I believe that I have nothing to offer him;

If he is unhappy and full of energy , my already pessimistic life cannot be illuminated;

If he didn't give and love me without reservation and reckless , my personality that lacks love would only choose to escape and deny myself;

If neither he nor I give each other a high degree of freedom , perhaps we will both be unable to bear each other's suspicion and desire for control;

If one of him and I don't have a life of their own and just want to pester the other, then our relationship will definitely fall apart

...

There are many, many complex factors that influence this relationship.

This relationship contains too many complicated "games". This "game" does not mean confrontation, but how to maintain balance under high difficulty, just like when Fujiwara Takumi was driving, the water in the car could not be swayed out. As hard as a water cup.

Any small thing that happens in a long-distance relationship can become the fuse for the end of a relationship, and the high cost of meeting can't erase the crisis in a short period of time.

Something that can be done with a hug requires two people to communicate back and forth with their mobile phones, and even requires two people to express their thoughts, painful emotions, and listen to each other in a non-native language. This communication cost is even more exacerbated. .

Choosing a different place means that your life and work with each other are completely separate and out of sync. Under such a background, it is difficult for you to perceive whether the other party has encountered something unsatisfactory today, and it is also difficult to perceive the other party. Whether there is someone in the real world that makes his/her heart move.

What you can do for the other party remotely is extremely limited due to the physical distance, and you may not even be able to provide the basic companionship when the other party needs you to be by your side the most. Others can act to increase their shared memory with each other in the real world, but you can't do anything about it.

Even if you fail, you can only accept the reality. Because the difficulty of long distance relationship is very high.

In the past, when I was young and ignorant, I started to fantasize about the plot of marriage and childbirth in the future when I talked about a partner and fell in love, but now the older I get, the less I have such thoughts.

Many friends around me think that the future of Ai and I is certain and we will get married sooner or later, but I don't think so.

In my eyes, many things are just probabilistic events . His future has his own way to go. In my eyes, he is still very young, he has not graduated, and the issue of professional identity is a series of unknowns. In the future, it will greatly affect the plot direction of this relationship.

Take stock market trading as an analogy. You think it's just two actions: "buy" and "sell". You make careful calculations and strategize, but in fact, after entering the market, you will find that there are too many complicated factors determining the trend, and mentality, fortune It is also an extremely important determinant aside from rational analysis.

So, the same goes for long distance relationships.

Maybe you can conclude that our relationship is definitely fine by analyzing a series of factors such as our personalities, emotional intelligence, communication, cognition, knowledge, etc., but I feel more and more that if there is no "luck" factor at play, maybe this A relationship doesn't start, and even if it does, it's over.

After "luck", it is factors such as "courage" and "communication strategy" that more or less affect the continuation of this relationship.

To this day, I still feel like walking a tightrope, and we are still walking on this tightrope, and now I am not 100% confident that we will not fall.

Because love is complicated, people are also complicated, and many accidents in life will change the direction of the plot. It's the same for him, and it's the same for my life.

Otherwise, there would not be so many stories of destined and unrequited love being repeated countless times in the world, so even being able to accompany each other for a journey in life is already a gift in my opinion. .

The only thing I can guarantee is that even if we fall off the tightrope and end the journey, Ai and I will look at each other, smile and bless each other.

In the process of falling in love with him, I learned more about myself and love. As an independent conscious body, I have gained a lot of growth, and in the communication with a wider latitude conscious body, I have broken through the physical body. Limitation, to get a glimpse of the true appearance of love.

There is a video about "what is true love", you may wish to watch it carefully

'People made a terrible mistake'

"Wrong Thinking You Are Giving for the One You Love"

"But the real answer is"

"You love the person you paid for"

if i paid you

I put myself in you

Based on self-love is a necessity

everyone loves themselves

But now a part of me is you

There's that part of me in you that I love

So true love is a sacrifice

rather than a mere acceptance

Finally, let's talk about a real story, you can listen to it as a joke——

3 years ago, before I met Ai, my relationship lasted for less than three months, so I took a tarot test out of curiosity. At that time, the girl told me that I would meet a sunny and humorous person. A cheerful and very tall foreign boy, I remember saying to her in disbelief, "How is that possible?! But I don't like foreigners at all. Can you see us getting married?"

She said: "I can't see it, but you will be together for a long time."

To this day, I still find it incredible. I am an agnostic, and I am open to listening to and selectively accepting many things, and this incident has inspired me just like the thoughts I wrote today—

Having experienced some things is already a gift, and no experience is wasted. Even if the person around me is not Ai in the future, I can accept it happily, and I will give him the best blessings.

When I was young, in a relationship, I always thought about who paid how much, but now I am really happy to be the tree planter, because the fun of planting trees is much greater than enjoying the shade, even if I don’t have the chance to plant trees in the future, I will leave it to the future. I have no regrets and no regrets. If he can have some of my precious qualities in him and give it to his future lover, I will also be happy for them from the bottom of my heart.

Two people, just meeting, is already a kind of luck, what's more, how much luck does it take to achieve it?

Therefore, the issue of love is difficult and complicated. Being able to be together already requires enough luck and strategies to maintain it, let alone a long-distance relationship. Therefore, if the connection between two people in the same city is not deep enough, then a long-distance relationship will only Let the two go farther and farther.

To quote a friend: "A relationship is a complex long-term transaction. Passion fades, and the more value you exchange with each other, the longer it goes."

Of course, among so many manufacturers that can meet the demand, it is also a kind of luck that you can make a two-way choice and continue to upgrade your capabilities and empower each other.

In a word, falling in love is not easy. I wish you the luck to find the person you love, and to love regardless of the consequences.