How to communicate effectively and reduce quarrels

Recently, in the book "Intimacy", I saw how to solve the obstacles of communication with partners and avoid the traps of communication, which is very enlightening. Not just with our partners, our communication with others in our daily life is also prone to misunderstandings and conflicts, so here are some communication tips to share.

The book emphasizes that there are three principles to achieve good and effective communication:

• A clearer, less gunpowder message
• listen better
• keep calm and polite

precise expression

Complaints that criticize a partner or another person's character and character demean the other person, often making a big fuss, treating small problems as serious, difficult problems to solve. Therefore, by specifying as clearly and as specifically as possible the specific behaviors that annoy us, the communication process becomes more informed and accurate. This method is behavior description, which not only tells the other person what you think, but also focuses the conversation on a single, manageable behavior that is easier to change than personality.

That is, for things not for people, describe a particular event without referring to generalities, and do not use words such as "always" and "never." for example:

"You always interrupt me! Never let me finish!"

Also, we should use a first-person statement (I-statement) to describe how we feel. First-person statements begin with "I" and describe your emotions. This kind of sentence can help us identify our own emotions, which is helpful for both parties, and it also helps us to understand and acknowledge our emotions, rather than focusing on the other person.

So instead of saying:

"You really pissed me off!"

This expression is more appropriate:

"I'm so pissed right now"

An easy way to combine behavioral descriptions with first-person statements is the XYZ statement , which allows for clearer and more precise communication. The format of the XYZ statement is as follows, "When you do X in the Y situation (behavior description), I feel Z (first person statement)"

For example, common complaints:

"Why are you so ignorant of me! Never let me finish my sentence!"

The way to use XYZ statement is,

"I was pissed when you interrupted me just now."

The effect of the two is hugely different. The latter is more accurate and easier to be accepted by the other party, and gets positive feedback.

Active listening

There are two Central Asian tasks to accomplish when we receive information from others in our communication.

1. Accurately understand the meaning of the other person's words
2. Conveying concern and understanding to the other person, letting them know that we care about what he has to say

In order to fulfill these two requirements, paraphrasing can be used, that is, to repeat the meaning of the other party in one's own words, so that the conveyer of the information has a chance to be sure that that is what he really wants to express. Retelling this way prevents both parties from misunderstanding intent and causing the conversation to spiral out of control. E.g,

Wife: (sighs) I'm glad my mother-in-law decided not to come to our house next week.
Husband: (angrily) What's wrong with my mother? You're always talking about her, you're such an ungrateful bitch.

And if the husband retells before he gets angry, the mood of the conversation will be softened a lot.

Wife: (sighs) I'm glad my mother-in-law decided not to come to our house next week.
Husband: (angrily) You mean you don't like her coming to our house?
Wife: (surprised) No, I have always welcomed my mother-in-law to our house. It's just that my dissertation class is due, and I won't have much time at home next week.
Husband: (relieved) Oh!

Another valuable listening technique is perception checking, which is the exact opposite of mind reading. In perceptual testing, people ask the other person to explain what they have said and clarify certain statements, so that they can evaluate whether their inferences about the other person's feelings are correct.

It seems a bit confusing, but to put it bluntly, it is to ask the other party's feelings to confirm our judgment. For example, when there is disagreement, we can ask each other:

"You don't seem to be very satisfied with my proposal, do you?"

The other person will explain his thoughts, which often makes the conversation clearer and more precise, and allows both parties to be more focused and open to the communication.

calm and polite

If we are constantly throwing tantrums or being hostile in our conversations, it is of little use, even if we use a variety of communication techniques to get the message right and receive it right. Research shows that once people start to get angry, they don't even think about using various communication skills. When we are in a state of mind of "hate each other, want revenge, feel stabbed and want to fight back", it is very difficult, if not impossible, to use first-person statements such as those mentioned earlier.

Therefore, it is very important to stay awake and calm when we are provoked, and to calm down when we start to get angry before an argument arises. Thinking in a different way will slow down anger, for example, instead of thinking like this:

"He/she has absolutely no right to scold me like this."

A more adaptive idea is:

"He/she has an objection to my idea, and I wonder why?"

Of course, it's hard to keep a calm and collected mind when we're provoked. So, promising to be courteous in advance with your partner (partner) whenever possible is an effective attempt to reduce our anger.

Both parties may also stipulate regular conversations to politely express their grievances. If we know that the other person will find a way to solve the problems we raise, we will be very relaxed and happy with each other for the next week.

Therefore, don’t keep your dissatisfaction in your heart, and communicate more politely.

And if the emotions of both parties are up, they will face out of control. We can pause to break this vicious cycle. for example,

"Sorry, I'm too angry to think right now. Please give me 10 minutes to calm down."

When we are not so excited, we will discuss the issue just now.

When we're alone, a few minutes of deep breathing and letting our shoulders relax will help us calm down quickly.

respect and acknowledge

Good communication includes the various elements mentioned earlier: articulation, active listening, calmness, and politeness. But the most critical element is to make it clear that we care and respect the other person's point of view. Therefore, acknowledging the legitimacy of the other party's point of view and expressing respect for their position has always been worthy of mastery in interpersonal relationships (especially intimate interactions).

The views of both parties do not need to be in complete agreement, but even if they disagree, proper respect and approval can be maintained.

Sometimes in the face of disagreement, we instinctively want to contradict and attack each other. This is determined by our animality. But we have developed brains that other animals don't have, the ability to think, learn, train, and regulate our own behavior.

Therefore, knowing the correct communication method, reminding yourself at all times, and training more, communication will be a pleasant and fulfilling thing. Building good intimacy (with lovers, parents, friends) also makes our lives easier and happier. This would be a great asset.