Mother's Day | A Guide to Repairing Parent-Child Relationships

Today is Mother's Day, and I want to talk to you about how we get along with our parents.

Our generation is very different from the previous generation, materially and spiritually, as well as the general environment. Beneath this, the gap between generations is also relatively large, and there is more friction. I heard many examples of "children leave home to study or work, and when they return home, they can no longer get along with their parents".

I went to university in Taipei. After graduation, I went to study in Taipei. I was away from home for about 7-8 years. I feel out of place or bored every time I come home. My room has long been filled with clutter. When I get home, I can only use my laptop and mobile phone in the living room or kitchen. I don’t have my own independent space, and I don’t know where to go when I go out.

Last year, I moved home because of something that happened.

Mom is a very territorial person and she wants to control everything in his domain - which is everything that happens in our house. How to fold clothes, where to put things, how clean and tidy the space is, the routine and whereabouts of family members, etc.—all of these put a lot of pressure on me. She is also an emotional person. In the past, he would use beatings and scolding to teach us a lesson. Now she is saying, "If you don't obey, you will move out for me." One sentence forced us to be speechless.

(I would tell her later, well, it's not that I can't move out because I have no money, I just want to live here with you.)

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⠀ We were all miserable and aggressive when we first moved home, here's how it worked out.

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#Step1
【You have to know that she loves you and feel that she loves you in a way (even if not the way you like)】 ⠀

Everyone loves in a different way, some not directly. Please open your heart to feel the way your parents love you.
Some parents are nagging and some parents are controlling, but you can know from this that he is for your own good, although not in the way you like, but you must know that he loves you.

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At that time, my locomotive was still parked in Taipei.
One day when I moved back to Taoyuan, my mother called me up at about 8 in the morning and told me to go to Taipei to ride the motorcycle back, just in time for tutoring when I came back in the evening. The day before I had insomnia, I only slept for three or four hours, I was very tired and in a bad mood, and I didn’t understand why I had to go at this time. We had a big fight.

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Parents often use their own perspective to arrange children. Maybe my mother thought at the time that the weather forecast said it would rain in a few days, or that the locomotive would not start when it was parked for too many days (??) or something. But you know that's the way she loves.

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Mom does housework for us every day, sweeping and mopping or cooking, which is also the way they love. Because they don't really need to do that. Even if they don't say or do what you expected, you need to understand that they love you.

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You don't have to accept these ways, but at least understand.
Don't blind the "facts of love" because of the "way of love".

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Oh, if you don't think it's love after reading this paragraph, and also think that your parents didn't love you from the beginning to the end, you can turn it off first~ Because everyone's situation is different, if you never feel that your parents love you, or you I don't want to repair the parent-child relationship at all, so I don't need to force it.

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#Step2
[You have to sense her fear and try to appease her]

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fear.
The parents were actually terrified, she looked at us very terrified.
You know, to them, we might be like aliens.

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I wrote an article before, talking about fear again, "Fear actually comes from not understanding."
People of their generation don't know about homosexuality and don't have gay friends around, so they're scared. Just like if we don't have a few sick friends, we may also fear people with schizophrenia, polio, and epilepsy.

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So you know, a lot of the values and habits of our generation are too unfamiliar to them and they are terrified. When in fear, they take up arms and stand ready.

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For example, my mother was terrified of the mess we would make when we moved back—a lot of clutter and books that had nowhere to go, different habits and so on.

She kept complaining, asking me to pack my three or four suitcases in two or three days.
Even though she didn't have a job, she had to wake me up at 8 in the morning.
When I wash my face in the morning, she wants to watch by the side and ask me to wash the towel at what water level.

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How to do? Let her go!

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Try to understand as much as possible that these stem from her fears and discomforts, and try to reassure her by doing what she wishes to do.
Then you will find that after doing it for a while, after her fear disappears, all this does not necessarily need to be obeyed XD
(You can continue to sleep until ten o'clock and wake up XD)

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Trying to tell him, it doesn't matter, I'm not in danger, it's safe here.
You can tell him how I dealt with the problem before and what happened later.
Or, what I think it will be like, it doesn't matter.

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Slowly, let him get acquainted with you and your values and thinking.
And you have to get acquainted with him too!

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Like, in fact, my mother wanted to get up early every day because she was afraid that our lives would be eroded without a job at that time - you must first understand the source of the fear. (You can ask her directly) Then you can choose to wake up on time every day and catch up in the afternoon; or you can choose not to wake up early, but do something meaningful (she thinks) every day and share it with her every day. Her fear will slowly disappear.

Understand that these are just forms of fear, and it is your job both to recognize and deal with fear.

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"You dislike him for not knowing Jay Chou and Jolin Tsai, but have you listened to Tsai Qin with him?"
To understand each other both ways, from understanding to eliminate fear.
And it's better for us to take the initiative to provide a channel of understanding - actively ask his thoughts, take the initiative to tell their own thoughts, so that they will feel respected.

Because they may not be very good at communication, let's start with us :D?

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#Step3
[You need to be aware of his needs and meet his needs as much as possible (love him the way he likes)]

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If your parents are very direct needers, you can try to accommodate them.
If your parents are not, you can guide them - "Do you want to help with the housework?" "Do you want to watch TV with you?" These questions will make them feel very comfortable.

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At that time, when I had free time, I would help my mother to cook (helping beat eggs or wash vegetables by the side); or watch Da Ai with him at noon (the plot was boring, but I asked him what the character was doing anyway, for the sake of who would do these things, etc.); or if you have nothing to do, you can ask him if he wants to help him with housework (just move your body)

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You will find that they are happier and happier, and they will not trouble you XD
Then you can actually have more space to do what makes you happy.

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In fact, the vernacular translation is: do 1-2 things every day to make parents happy.
(Provide options: help him with housework, watch TV with him, chat with him, cook with him, buy him something, praise him...)
Then you can just be sane at home :D
My parents are really good :D

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After passing such a mutual love ceremony, even though I am busy now, I don't often cook with her or watch TV, but instead he has become a force to support me, and gradually they will learn to love in the "right way" us.

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Review it.

Step 1: You need to know that he loves you and feel that he loves you in a way (even if it's not the way you like it)
Step 2: You need to sense his fear and try to reassure her.
Step 3: You need to be aware of his needs and meet his needs as much as possible (love him the way he likes)

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After that, it will slowly get better, and then he will slowly love you "the way you like".
Because love flows and affects each other.

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This is just my example, but everyone's situation may be different. Basically, like conquering a cat? Or the feeling of chasing a girl? (Actually I have no experience with either)

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I think if you really don't have the strength to solve it, you can make yourself happy first and get energy to solve it. But I actually solved it at the lowest point in my life, when I was hit by a lot of shocks. Instead, I was able to use my most vulnerable but humble self to understand love, create love, and give back love.

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I'm not sure in what state you will be able to handle these things better, but I believe everything will be arranged. You can remember these three steps first and practice slowly. Don't feel pressured by trying to do it completely, just keep them in mind and do it when you have the spare energy, don't do it deliberately.

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Happy Mother's Day to everyone~
Hope you all have a good time with your mother :)