2019, I learn to heal myself

Going through the first closed-book exam for college ideological and political courses has become a painful start for me in 2019. When I saw that the only two six-credit courses in the training program were Mao Conception and Graduation Thesis, when I knew that another ideological and political course was suddenly added in the first semester of 2020, I know I have no right to express.

However, at the beginning of the year, Ma Yuan's closed-book exam brought me an unexpected harvest - before my grandfather passed away, I successfully answered the question about Marx, which made him very gratified.

It's strange that I don't feel much about the passing of the people around me, and I'll probably still shed a few drops of tears, but that's not because of the grief deep down in my heart, it's just that my ability to empathize is so strong that I can easily be affected by other people's emotions. It's just a performance - of course, it can also be said that this is just a "social expression" for self-protection.

I haven't asked too many people, at least I seem to have a more calm attitude towards life than my elders - I believe that there will only be more and more people of the same generation as me, maybe they have received more tolerant life education (in fact, whether tolerant or not, It is not easy for us to get even a little bit of "life education" in the environment of "talking about death and change"), maybe we hope to pursue a little "different thing", maybe we are just fed up with crying for too long and obnoxious complex customs. Of course, most of the time, it is just the force of life, and the post-90s generation has calmly typed their suicide note on the computer.

If I have to say that my peers are a special case of Chinese people, I don’t know if I am a special case of my peers.

Whether it was when my grandfather was hospitalized and passed away in my second year of high school, my uncle had a minor operation before the college entrance examination, or my grandfather was hospitalized in the first semester of my sophomore year, I was always excluded from the family system as an "outsider". Every time my parents choose to hide almost all the facts from me, trying to use some clumsy lies to let me study and live "without being affected", and take me as a stepping stone to the moral high ground with peace of mind. Everyone came to express their condolences to my grandfather and my former mother told me that I must not let others know that I was told that my grandfather was hospitalized in October after I was on vacation in January. In a domestic drama, she was both sad and resentful: "How can you say that to us?"

So in 2019, I probably understood the reason why I became more and more indifferent to my family and so-called relatives: when others use the banner of goodwill to exclude you from the "family" system, what reason do you have to pretend to be? What about a family member or core member saying or doing something that actually doesn't matter at all? I often say that I have a cat-like personality. When necessary, I pretend to be concerned about certain things just to make my life more comfortable. But after this incident, I probably don't even bother to pretend any more. . Although I still have some illusions about being able to communicate sincerely with my family, but compared to me who hoped to put this idea into practice before, I will only warn myself after 2019: Blindly having this idea will only make me miserable , expecting others to make changes is impossible, so don’t worry about them, just live as you please.

A student's year is naturally divided into two semesters and holidays, so much so that when looking back at the past year at the end of the year and beginning of the year, only September and the months following it belong. year. After going through the 2019 schedule, diary, and full of movie bills, and watching the news on social networking sites in 2019, I gradually recalled something about the first half of the year-it turned out that there was a more distant sophomore year two semesters away. First semester final exam. At that time, I was really amazing. I included the minor exams in the final exams. Two semesters ago, I actually solved 14 courses at the end of one semester. In the subsequent semesters, the number of courses was reduced by half. Tiredness is only more or less.

I'm not a sci-fi fan myself, and I don't spend time on a film just because it's a phenomenon. "The Wandering Earth" appeared on my 2019 movie ticket book entirely because I was pushed by my parents to watch it. It seemed to be one of the few times I walked out of the theater without sitting quietly and listening to the ending song. My parents never waited patiently for me to sit quietly until the last minute and then got up. They would only sneer with the staff apologetically while standing at the door of the theater and urging me out of the theater in a hasty and stern tone. Some of my friends understood my habits and patiently accommodated me, while others were puzzled and dragged me to the next destination. So in 2019, there seem to be more single movie tickets in the book, and I can finally get up and thank the theater staff after there will be no more images on the screen, and then walk out of the theater slowly - my mother learned I always show pity, sympathy and even hatred for "without friends" in my speech after watching a movie alone. If I can’t understand each other, I really don’t need to say too much to them in the future. I’ve spent too much energy trying to maintain a relationship with them. That’s how the desire to express is consumed little by little, while other Equally important and even more beautiful things also disappeared without knowing it. Over the past year, I have come to understand more and more that my indifference is not born, but despite this, the disconnection between family and the natural sense of great moral oppression still makes it difficult for me to take it easy.

In 2019, which is called the first year of Chinese science fiction because of a "Wandering Earth", "Shanghai Fortress", which is called "single-handedly closing the door of Chinese science fiction works", also appeared, but the so-called "magic realism" incident The performances are still more or less.

Gradually tired of catching up with every hot spot, but unknowingly put more attention on myself. Various club activities, volunteer services, performances... Participating in these seems to have made me experience a different life. I hate my own life without ups and downs, so I devote myself to various activities more enthusiastically and blindly. go.

My school choir has probably always belonged to some marginalized members, or, in other words, I also chose to be marginalized. Even after singing for more than a year, the teacher will always forget my name, but I am remembered because of my unique style with no expression and no expression. Before I set off to participate in the art exhibition, I practiced in the rehearsal hall for the last few times and was cued by the teacher alone to "pay attention to the expression". At that time, I still comforted myself as usual: It's okay, at least the teacher knows you. I participated in the rehearsal very seriously and remembered the special treatment of certain words in certain places, but probably because I was neither a student of related majors nor active and inactive, I still felt the teacher's indifferent attitude. The subtle atmosphere I felt during the rehearsal and performance of various large-scale events always made me fall into self-doubt over and over again: why did I come to join the school art troupe with such a personality in the first place? ?

Fortunately, in 2019, I finally waited for the special performance belonging to the chorus, and the songs accumulated for three semesters were finally displayed. Even though I never really fit into the group, I still like to stand on stage and enjoy a bunch of lights. So while singing happily and loudly in the rehearsal hall full of notes, whispering in a group that can’t really accept myself has become something I’m very used to. I probably skipped the rehearsal on the day I left the group. After all, I didn't dare to tell them the real "remarks for leaving the group".

What makes me more accustomed and reliant on is MUI. In my junior year, I sat in the interviewer's seat and asked those young students who had the same experience as me in high school: Is it a habit to participate in the MUN in college? I haven't found anyone who understands the real meaning of this question - if I could think of this question in my freshman year, would I think a little more about why I still want to join a club that I have been in high school for so long? ? The pursuit of security and comfort zone is far greater than the love for it. At the end of the freshman year, I have withdrawn, and it is too late to tell the senior that I have been told that the candidate for the next minister is me; the activities one after another have brought me back Familiar feeling; it rained heavily on the morning of the last day of the Tianjin regional training meeting in November. Two other students and I were packed in a truck with a truckload of materials and were taken by the driver from a nearby hotel. At the school venue, I almost screamed with joy when I was squeezed into the same seat as the stroller. I explained to them that it was because I thought these things were fun, but the last half of the sentence was never spoken: In this way, my original life was so boring. So I fell into "a habit" again.

But is any of the things I do to temporarily escape from real life and imitate the mice in the "happiness center" experiment frantically pressing the joystick that is really well done? Xiaoji is an amateur player in too many aspects, and she may be well aware of this, so she will consciously marginalize herself in certain things, which makes her feel safe, but also because she is afraid of doing things. After changing, he has been shrinking in the corner and reluctant to leave. Instead, there is an illusion that he can persist for so long. But no matter if you stay in a similar organization or not, everyone is moving forward... There is no one like me, who just curled up in the corner regardless of everything, and never made any progress.

Although in the past year, the game between "love", "safety" and "escape from the original life" has gradually been noticed by me, causing me to struggle with thoughts. Luckily, the people I met through this healed me all the time.

In 2019, I seem to be able to face, accept love and tenderness more calmly. Maybe I was lucky enough to feel a lot of goodwill from the outside world, and to catch up with a lot of opportune opportunities. The exclusion of family actually protected me from trivial housework to some extent. However, for a long time, this has become the reason why I can’t distinguish between goodwill and malice from the outside world. In 2019, I still don’t seem to have made any progress in this regard. Fortunately, I met enough good enough people that I realized that people can really be healed by others. The concept in my mind has always been that humility is virtue, but pretending to be humble after receiving compliments will not achieve the best results. We are so accustomed to growing up with setbacks and criticism that we are overwhelmed when we suddenly receive real feedback on our strengths. I have tried many "cheeky" methods of accepting compliments, all of which have ended in failure. Looking back at myself in 2019, I found that the panacea for this kind of embarrassment seems to be only passively or actively accepting real and well-intentioned compliments from the outside world. This covers the many criticisms I've received since I was a kid - I've received so many heartfelt compliments over the past year, and they've made me realize that I don't have to blushing and waving my hands in embarrassment in the face of them. reject. I seem to have begun to understand at the same time that the best way to face real praise is to accept it calmly, and then send my most sincere praise to the other party, so expressing my kindness and praise more frequently seems to have become a more important thing. easy thing.

What hasn't changed is that I'm still frantically finding or realizing my value through others.

In the summer of 2019, he became a blind football administrative reception volunteer through the selection of volunteers for the Paralympic Games. Even though I keep telling myself that participating in volunteer activities is a choice I made, that I actively seek and create value, and that I strive to experience a different life, I still can’t help but wonder: Is it possible to realize my existence through the gratitude of others? own worth? Can I complete more value enhancements independently? 2019, no solution, 2020? Still not sure.

At the beginning of May, I ushered in the first spring break of the university, and the reason among my classmates about the school's sudden increase of spring break almost made me laugh every time I thought about it: the school did not have enough funds, so it had to extend the vacation to save money. Regardless of the facts, it always gives me the opportunity to travel.

My travel companion is my best friend, and she takes pictures anytime, anywhere, and time flows between her fingers, shutters, and photos—a wonderful feeling I have rarely experienced. Parents have always taken pictures for "memorial" rather than "to let time flow" or "to create beauty". They try to tell them the photo-taking skills they have seen, but they are dismissive; They were forced to listen to my voice, but the effect of the photos was still incomprehensible; they proposed to buy a camera, and the response was always "Mobile phone photography is getting more and more advanced, what is the difference between using a mobile phone and a camera? Just take a picture. Enough". My own feeling of beauty is being worn away bit by bit. When I imitated my friend to clumsily hold up the phone and try to experience the beauty that was difficult to appreciate before, the crooked photos on the screen made a merciless laugh at me, However, in 2020, I am still willing to take more crooked photos, and they will probably gradually become decent. After all, I have already received a question at the Paralympic Games, "Have you studied photography?"

"As long as I'm on the right path." This response has been said by too many people as "too young". In fact, I just have to admit that I have taken every step - regardless of whether they are right or wrong in fact. Differences - all made me who I am now, whether it's good or bad, I accept this kind of myself, so I don't have any position to deny the past. All my choices are made by myself. Even if others help me make choices, it is just that I choose to temporarily leave my choices in their hands. In 2019, I tried to heal myself from the lack of choice, and in 2020, I want to try to get that right back.