A year later, still can not get rid of sadness.

So write it down and see if it gets better.
This is the first time I've specifically recalled this.

On September 12, 2019, during a meeting that was coming to an end, I received a call and saw that my nephew's name was displayed, and my heart sank first. The communication was normal, but it sounded from far and near, as if it was fake but real: "Uncle, my mother... and it seems that I can't be rescued... can you go first...".

After hurriedly ending the meeting, returning to my seat to collect my bags, and sending a message to the group to ask the boss for leave, I looked fine.
A close colleague in the same group saw the message and ran over to hug me. I wanted to comfort and encourage me. I smiled and shook my head and said it was alright.

Only denial can prevent collapse.

Hiring a taxi, I thought it was the fastest way to get to Taoyuan City. Synchronous also asked my mother to start from home and meet directly at the hospital, don't wait for me to pick it up.

"Then do I have to go there first?" I didn't sigh out the sigh in my heart.

Only patience can prevent collapse.

Zhongxiao East Road, which was well packed, and then passed Sogo, the driver suddenly told me that he was no longer going to Taoyuan, and asked me to change cars.
After a long time of traffic lights, I walked towards Fuxing South Road and hired another taxi, "I'm going to Taoyuan, can you take it?"

It's a good congested highway, but will it make a difference if you arrive early and late?
Mother said she was here, she was at the hospital gate. Ask her to go to the emergency room to ask about the situation, she said, gone, gone.

"Clam?" "Go away, has been sent to the morgue."

Well congested highway. If you don't go, is there no such thing? But it has finally arrived.

The mother who can't see the reaction, the brother-in-law who is at a loss, the hospital has to go through the formalities, the police station has to make a record, and the family has to collect evidence.
The original person left, the hospital will refund your registration fee.

Immediate blood relatives and spouses had to go to the record to clarify the cause of death. I went back to my sister's house alone and waited for the police to come to collect evidence.
After waiting for a long time, while waiting, I found a few photos of you on the shelf in the living room, and took them carefully one by one. Then the police came, in an unfamiliar place, answering the situation that I don't know, I haven't even seen your appearance.

Open the phone to take notes, but the scene has been automatically buried in my heart.

The nephew put the business to an end, returned home with disbelief, and waited for the other two who had finished making the transcripts to come back and meet together. Then go out and go to the hospital to recognize the body.

Open the door, it is a gray face, closed eyes, this world has nothing to do with you.

My nephew was crying, and my mother asked him to kneel. I wanted to keep looking directly at your body and force myself to look directly at the facts.

Mother said she was very hungry and asked me to take her to dinner. The two families separated, and while eating, they asked the uncle in Taoyuan to recommend a suitable etiquette company and move you to the funeral home first.

Because the etiquette company needs to arrange rituals and customs, it needs to know the details. I suddenly cried so much that I couldn't describe the process. I felt that you were too cruel to myself, and at the same time, I was reluctant to let you go through such pain.

autopsy. If the door is not closed properly, I just stand outside the door, watching the process in a blur. I don't want to miss any of the processes. If others dare not watch it, I will watch it. Because I have to confirm that I accept this reality bit by bit, use pain to confirm that it is true, and feel the pain so that it will not collapse.

Wherever you will be reborn, you will go to attract the soul. No amount of pain will quell the slightest imaginary in your heart. I imagine that all this is not true, but when the soul-inducing ceremony is over, a temporary tablet is set up, the name is written, and then When I asked my nephew and I to worship with incense, I knew that people and ghosts have different paths, and there is no hope anymore. You truly become a soul attached to the tablet, and you will never return to that body.

One bow, two lines of tears, and another bow, the tears continued to flow, three bows, sobbing, I held my face tightly with a handkerchief and cried silently.

Then I went to visit day by day, gold and silver treasures, and a number of horn bottles. I was mentally prepared to receive a call from An Jie: "Kyle, what's wrong with senior?" "Leave." "Leave!? What do you mean?"

Then the ritual, and then the funeral, I am my uncle, and my nephew has to greet me and kneel on me. I am my uncle, and I have to seal the coffin with my own hands.

The brother-in-law shouted, the nephew cried, and the mother played normally. I do my own thing.

let you go, let you go. Gold and silver treasures, Wuzi Dengke, and your physical body are all sent to another world with fire.

The days to come are to pass day by day, and some days are particularly difficult. Your birthday, then Ching Ming, then Mother's Day (I always make sure to congratulate on Mother's Day), then the New Year, and then this whole year.

There are also some particularly challenging times, such as when my mother has an operation and my colleague can't help but say "I can ask my sister for help", or when my concubine is in prison, I pick up my phone several times and want to send a message to tell you how exaggerated the family is.

There is no sound.

You ask me, can you talk a little bit? I was busy and didn't come back.

When I replied to comfort you, you could no longer read.

The unread messages have been accumulated since noon on September 12, 2019, just like several nights thinking of you, I didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I buried my face and cried silently again and again.

Quiet.

Seven years apart, similar in appearance and voice, sometimes meeting and sometimes parting, troubled and dependent on each other, the brothers and sisters have been connected to each other for 41 years, and they have been separated since then.

I will always feel this disability for the rest of my life.