My story with these boys (12) l I like it but dare not approach it

During college, I met different guys from the Internet one after another, but most of them were halfway through the conversation, and they couldn’t continue the conversation and didn’t write any more; Interest, in the end, is not over. Therefore, I still have a slight impression of some netizens who have been in contact with them on the Internet, but the meeting by chance is just a trivial episode in my life.

Time went to the time when I first started graduate school. In the summer of 2016, someone broke into my life again.

He is my classmate, let's call him "Xiaokai". I didn't really notice this character at first. As time progressed and I got to know more about my classmates, I slowly noticed him.

He is not a typical handsome guy. Although his eyebrows are thick, his eyes are quite large, and his facial features are deep, his forehead is quite high, his hair is sparse, and he has a feeling of stepping into the ranks of baldness when he is under 30. Moreover, the mouth area occupies one-third of the face, and the smile is somewhat similar to the expression of the female ghost in the horror movie. This is probably the reason why I couldn't notice him in the first place, right?

"Xishi in the eyes of the beholder" is probably describing how I felt about him at that time. Even if it looks a little weird, in my opinion at that time, it is more pleasing to the eye and good-looking.

There were more than 20 people in the class at that time, and they were also divided into different small circles. Xiaokai and I are almost in different circles, and with my own social barriers, it is even more difficult for us to meet each other. But thanks to my female friend who was very friendly with me at the time, after knowing that I liked him, he took the initiative to help me connect, and I had the opportunity to get to know him. Even with the assistance of my female friend, I had more close contact with Xiaokai. Chance.

The desire for love made me ignore friendship

I was so eager to get into a relationship that I almost abandoned my close friends.

One day, the female friend who made the connection learned that her best friend had committed suicide. It just so happened that Xiao Kai was going to eat hot fried with a group of classmates who were not so close to me that night. When my female friends needed their company the most, I also planned to eat hot fried with them. God knows how confused I was at the time. I admit that at the time, I preferred love to friendship.

As long as my female friends don't point out my eccentricity and ruthlessness, I will probably choose to eat that hot meal that even if there is Xiaokai, it is unlikely that my relationship with Xiaokai will quickly warm up because of this. But my rationality, and being regulated by the social framework of "having a boyfriend without friends is a rotten person", I finally reluctantly chose friendship.

At the time, I was 23 years old and had no experience in love. I was full of longing and longing for love, so much so that I put love in the first place regardless of everything.

In order to win his favor, I am willing to sacrifice

According to my extremely stingy personality at the time, I usually have to worry about a little extra cost, and this kind of personality is well known. But in order to make a good impression on Xiaokai, when he was debating whether or not to have dessert at the convenience store, I was right next to him, pretending to be domineering and saying, "It's okay, I'll treat you to it. ". He was amazed, and I was proud of it.

Another time, I learned that he had a cold. The next day, I got up early and took a ride to a place far away from where I lived. It took me about an hour to go back and forth. I bought a bag of ginger tea, and then rushed back to the place to brew it. Before he went to work, I brought it to him. work place for him. This back and forth took me about a morning. The point is, I usually don't drink any ginger tea at all, and the rest of the ginger tea can only be given away. Although the price was only 200 to 300 yuan, it was considered a "no small amount of money" considering that I was a student who spent only 200 yuan a day.

It seems that I sacrifice for the other party, and it seems that I pay for the other party. Maybe I just want to win the favor of the other party by sacrificing myself. That's all.

I have an inferiority complex, so I backed away

Although his personality is very friendly, funny, and sometimes kiang, I don't really dare to have direct contact with him, and it is often through the presence of female friends that I can build a bridge between me and him. Therefore, even if there is interaction between us, there is no spark at all. In addition, at the time, I didn't have any experience of confessing or entering a relationship, so I didn't know how to deal with the feeling that I liked the other person. I can only walk around him silently, occasionally asking my female friends to help me collect information about him, or his attitude towards me, or in front of him, say a few words of kindness to me to increase his love for him. My good impression.

And my inner inferiority complex continued to haunt him, making him unreachable. I always felt that he wouldn't take a fancy to himself, especially with his gentle and interesting personality, it was impossible for him to like me who looked rambunctious and crazy all day long. Even if a female friend who has a good relationship with me and Xiaokai has been pulling us both to know each other, it seems that maybe we can take the initiative to know each other more, and maybe we can have a deeper understanding of each other. , can also change each other's thoughts about each other, but I am still dragged down by my own inferiority complex.

Even if he knew that he could just meet him as a friend, but he felt guilty and didn't dare to get too close to him later. I am afraid that he will know that I have a crush on him and start to distance myself from me. In the end, I could only stage the drama of playing love songs in the dead of night, and then crashing and crying but powerless.

Over time, gradually, my feelings for him faded away. On the one hand, I knew that I was unlikely to spark with him, and on the other hand, I also had the need for intimacy, so I slowly turned my attention to other people. And he and I have now become friends who occasionally contact each other.

Finished on 2022.01.16