The underlying logic of high-quality love: independent symbiosis

Apr 30, 2020

I haven't discussed the topic of #intimacy for a long time. In today's article, I will talk to you about the underlying logic in the high-quality intimate relationship that I understand.

Anyone who has read my previous articles may know that I am not a perceptual person. Even when it comes to the topics of "love" and "emotion", I will use a relatively rational perspective to think, discuss and manage.

There are often friends around who encounter intimacy problems, and there will be various states that are difficult to manage and balance. Some people's attitudes towards emotions are too rational, while others are too emotional. When the emotional demands of the two do not match, it is bound to be difficult to run in and conflict with each other.

This is the important underlying logic in an intimate relationship that I want to introduce today: independent symbiosis.

Let me tell you about two very unhealthy states in love: forced independence and symbiosis.

Forced independence people often suppress their need to rely on others for the sake of autonomy and independence in relationships, because dependence will arouse their inner feelings of powerlessness and fear.

Dependent symbiotes will try to establish a very close and secure relationship with others at almost any cost, forming a state of symbiotic dependence, similar to a "pleasant personality" , such as being afraid and cranky once they feel that the other party does not respond in a relationship.

To tell you the truth, I used to belong to the former in an intimate relationship - forced independence.

I am ashamed to express my wishes to the other party, because in my subconscious, when a person expresses his wishes, thoughts, and emotions, it is the presentation of the true heart and the expression of vulnerability. So I'll find ways to hide them and be ashamed to tell my partner any satisfaction I'm looking for.

And what is the result of this "forced independence" state? Caused my "pseudo-intimacy" in my last relationship.

Pseudo-intimacy is very common in relationships. To put it bluntly, couples or partners should have created a circle of intimate partners together, but because they want to avoid conflicts, they try to act as the other person wants to see themselves, so that the inner Intimacy fades away. In a word, "the burden of idols is too heavy" . It seems that they are model couples who are envied by outsiders, but in fact they have entered a false intimacy relationship.

This is often the case with people who have faced emotional trauma in the past. Various defense mechanisms have been formed due to psychological trauma, especially those who have been faced with relatives who have been in a pseudo-intimacy relationship in the family of origin since childhood, so it is easier to subconsciously learn such a coping mode on a subconscious level.

In the last relationship, I just "made" the emotion that was very enviable in the eyes of outsiders. Because of my "avoidant personality", I was too rational in the last relationship. I analyzed the relationship from a rational perspective, and used the formula to get along with my partner in the way that would least cause emotional problems.

Subconsciously, in order to survive harmoniously in the relationship, I put the formed defense mechanism into the intimacy at this stage. Therefore, on the surface, I played the roles in each other's minds smoothly, but in order to avoid the inner uneasiness, I actually kept a distance to avoid conflicts and injuries.

In that relationship, I was careful, and concealed my needs, avoided hurting the other party, and deliberately ignored the other party's dissatisfaction with me. As a result, in order to maintain their "perfect personality" , everyone did not point out each other's feelings in time. The problem caused this relationship to finally collapse at a certain node .

It is precisely because of excessive rationality and restraint that even though I am not in a state of "reliance on symbiosis" , I still fail.

I used to think that failing in love would make me feel ashamed, but in fact, looking at the long river of life, "failure" is really a normal thing.

The point is how you can learn from your "failures", sum up your experience, and try not to repeat the mistakes of the previous relationship when the next love comes.

The end of that relationship took me about half a year to review and think about my personality and the reasons for the relationship. At least the value of this failure to me is that it taught me to "observe myself," "dig out my inner real needs," and to help me discover and examine all the obstacles I've built inside of me that are blocking love.

Six months later, I met my current lover.

To be honest, I never thought that I would be in love with a foreigner for so long. This epidemic disrupted our original meeting plan, but it still did not affect our feelings. We have a fixed video time every day, two or three hours at a time, and we have been doing this for almost half a year.

Of course I know that many people will ridicule, question, oppose, and label "unreliable", which will bring me back to "reality", but unfortunately, as a party in love, I have spent more than half a year of time and energy. And sacrifice, not only on the hormonal level, but also on the objective and rational level.

If I find that a rational and intelligent person (forgive me for being unassuming) chooses this way of love, facing this kind of "anti-common sense" behavior, I will not arbitrarily judge first. What I will think about is:

What is she holding on to?
What value has this relationship brought her?
Did she get something out of it that she was willing to let go of real emotions?

In my official account, I wrote a lot about the way and logic of thinking about problems, and this is the way I think about one thing.

An important logic that our feelings have been maintained until now, and the emotional concentration has only increased, is "independent symbiosis" . I was completely in tune with his emotional needs.

Based on this underlying logic, I can briefly share with you a few important principles in the emotions I summarized:

1. Maintain personal independence

Before we can try to love others, we must learn to love ourselves and know ourselves well enough.

As an adult, your three views are basically set. So maintaining your original identity in an intimate relationship is actually crucial. Love and marriage will of course become a big part of the overall identity of "who you are", but above that, you are first and still an independent individual, whether you can truly and comfortably be yourself in a relationship .

Also, do you and your partner understand each other's basic values and goals in life? Like what do you want from life (e.g. peace or adventure)? What are your basic career plans and goals?

Seiga and I are both extreme sports enthusiasts. He loves racing drifting and rock climbing. I love free diving and motorcycles. At the same time, we both love fitness. There is no fear or worry in the environment.

He unswervingly chose to embark on the path of music. He loves music unswervingly, while I unswervingly cultivate my personal brand in the media. I am interested in exporting articles on thinking and lifestyle, as well as doing Japanese culture and teaching related articles. The video is full of boundless enthusiasm.

He doesn't understand Chinese and registers on Weibo. He came to read my articles, and even went to bilibili to watch the videos I posted, watching and laughing in front of me (because my B station character is rather humorous), then he will also Share his music, learn about the types of songs I like, and even teach me about music to improve my music taste.

Although our fields of focus and occupations are completely different, he tends to create artistic creations, and I focus more on humanistic creations , but in essence, the two of us have something in common. Be our source of thought and inspiration.

Therefore, in an intimate relationship, we are completely two independent individuals, and we maintain our own characteristics. No one will rely too much on the other, and no one will impose their own ideas on the other in an attempt to change the other's current situation. some growth patterns. We have our own hobbies and interests, and we can have a lot of fun in our own fields. At the same time, we have commonalities in certain fields, and we communicate and learn from each other.

2. trust each other

Whether a relationship can be maintained healthy, a very important reason is that you have a deep sense of trust in each other. The trust is that you and your partner can safely discuss each other's needs and desires, and even that you can openly discuss everything—good, bad, even ugly, honest and don’t hide .

What is the level of my trust resume with Seiga? We spent a few hours to complete the "36 Questions Between Couples" (the official account replied "36" to get the list of questions), through these 36 questions I clearly know his values, family, experience story, And as our emotions warmed up, the subsequent understanding of each other became deeper.

I've seen a lot of his embarrassing things, including the super ugly childhood photos that he didn't want to show to others. Of course, I also shared my ugliest photos with him. We "laughed at" each other's ugly appearance without any image. Arguably. They even made expression packs to "attack" each other.

In addition to the ugly stories and images we don't want to share with others, we're even candid about the taboo topics that most lovers avoid - exes or dating partners. I know some experiences and stories of him and his ex, and he also knows my emotional experiences, and they both listen to each other's stories with an open mind.

When I listen to his stories, I will naturally think about and judge the way he deals with problems emotionally and his thinking patterns, and to discover and see a person's ability in this experience will be very important for me to manage relationships in the future. There will be very deep guidance and reference.

It is like someone who reads history in order to understand the stories that happened at that time. Some people read history in order to spy on the future from history, and I read his story for the purpose of the latter, trying to understand his past experience from his past experience. Current and possible future behavior trajectories.

3. Growth and symbiosis

"Growing and symbiosis" is a matter of 1+1>2 from my perspective.

In a relationship, what I seek is always the "win-win principle." This principle is the same as the essence of my relationship with clients. When someone pays me to consult and make a plan, I think it is definitely not a "one-night stand" relationship, but more of a long-term "win-win" relationship.

It is the same as re-engraving the working thinking into the emotional, and both parties should pay for the relationship as fairly and equally as possible. Everyone should do their best and put their best effort into pursuing the interests of your "team" (rather than selfishly seeking their own).

Therefore, when he encounters difficulties and asks me for help, I will definitely regard his problems as my own and find a way to find a solution, in the same way if I encounter difficulties, I will not hesitate to ask for his help.

Now that I have chosen him in this relationship, I have the responsibility and obligation to help him grow. I hope that the value delivered to the other person is not only the emotional level of attachment, but also the help needed for personality and future career.

We are lovers and comrades fighting side by side.

4. Open communication

Regarding communication, we have a few principles:

share each other's routines

Because of the foreign relationship, the other party will often take the initiative to ask me: How is today? what did you do?

Of course, I know it helps him understand my day-to-day life, but it also forces me to think about what I did today. Originally, I didn't have the habit of making daily records every day, but now I basically make a list of things to do for the day in advance.

In the event of disagreements and quarrels, explain in a timely manner

In the past five months, we have not been without quarrels. Once, he joked beyond my bottom line, I wanted to endure it and forget it, but after thinking about it, I can't repeat the same mistakes. If the current behavior of the other party violates your principles and makes you feel angry or in a bad mood, you must not choose to hide it because of your affection, otherwise these small points will become hidden dangers in the future.

I remember that I calmed down my emotions and sent him a long, serious message, provided that the "principle of non-violent communication" was used:

1. Only express feelings, not opinions

2. Only say requests, not orders

"I'm sorry, but I need to tell you some principles.

Which of your words makes me uncomfortable (expresses my emotions) , maybe because of our cultural differences, but I want to tell you that I can't accept these words at the moment, even as a joke.

I'm trying to understand your... so I hope we can... (throws my request)

In the end I'm grateful for the joy and inspiration you brought me, but if it's because of our culture clashes with each other, maybe we can... (toss a solution)"

Then, I dealt with other things with anger and stopped looking at my phone.

As a result, when I looked at my phone again, 28 messages were displayed, and my hands almost trembled.

The reply he gave, I think, can be used as an apology template and paradigm.

First of all, he apologized very sincerely and told me that he was completely unaware that this joke violated my bottom line, and hoped that if he overstepped in the future, please let me know now.

Secondly, he began to express and explain his own values for some of the points mentioned in my paragraph, and added two principles of his own.

Next, he described how much he valued the relationship and how he felt at the moment, and hoped to convey that not all emotional states are perfect, and that he needs to learn from quarrels and grow from love.

Finally, a 3-minute video was sent to me. At the beginning of the video, he told me that "the apology needs to be said in person", and then started to apologize sincerely again... (because I finished the post and told him that I was outside. While processing, will not reply for the time being)

Let me ask, receiving such an apology, of course, I was completely moved by his intentions and sincerity to "choose to forgive" !

Speaking of this relationship now, I have also learned and grown a lot from it. Falling in love is not a matter of one person, but a matter of two people. When it comes to falling in love, you can't just care about your own feelings in your emotions, but use the "community" thinking to see you as a whole.

Many people are afraid of failure and frustration in their emotions, so they choose not to try, or even think that they are not ready. In fact, only when you are performing, can you observe and explore your own needs and your relationship in the opposite direction through the relationship. state in .

In my opinion, a failed relationship is not terrible, and I also groped and grew from failure. What matters is not the "result" in love, but the "process".

I made a point a long time ago: many people regard "marriage" as the result of "falling in love", but the real world is definitely not the end of "the prince and princess have lived happily ever after".

In the real world, the marriage story of the prince and the princess is another new beginning, so is "marriage" really "fruit"? not necessarily. What is "fruit"? It may not be clear until the end of your life.

Finally, time is not a measure of a "high-quality" relationship. Although it's been almost 5 months since Seiga and I met, our emotional quality is really of the highest quality in any relationship I've ever talked about.

In the past 5 months, I am really satisfied with the growth and experience value this relationship has brought me. Of course, I also know that there must be a gap between "cloud love" and "real love", and there is even a huge gap between "real love" and "cohabitation". I have heard many real stories of "death by the light" and "death in cohabitation", but all strong and high-quality relationships are inseparable from "managing with heart" .

I know very well that people are fluid and that people are constantly changing. Because of this, the relationship will become very challenging and interesting, and the passion will fade away sooner or later. What will hold you back then?

I used to look at feelings with pessimism, but it was Seiga who told me "please delete all your negative thoughts" and expressed his feelings for me so firmly that I was also influenced by him and had a more A big mentality change.

Since people are fluid and people will change, why don't you use your brain to develop that person in the emotional mode you want to make this relationship more exciting?

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Public number: Fan Misuo (thinking style, efficiency tools, free e-books)

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