Day 15 - me ten years ago

Ten years ago, when I entered puberty, it was a turning point in my life. I decided to move to Canada. I am not willing to leave at all, but I am looking forward to a new life journey.

Just got on Facebook to see what posts I made ten years ago. Ten years ago, I was a bit naive and stupid, like the clown fool in the tarot card, full of curiosity about the world, and an open mind to everything.

In order to integrate into the new environment, I learned and imitated the hobbies, interests and social ways of the people around me. Of course, in the communication with other people, there have also been some collisions, which made me feel shy and embarrassed for myself. Social challenges are only part of what helped me grow.

Ten years ago, I discovered that I was "desired" in the eyes of men. Male classmates a few years older than me would say flirtatious words and flirt, and we call it flirting. In high school, we were exploring the ambiguity between two people. This art is like a play, an impromptu dance, completely in the moment, responding to each other, making each other happy and seen.

I didn't think of myself as a very pretty and feminine girl before this, so getting this special attention gave me a new perspective on myself. To be an attractive woman, I read a lot of fashion magazines and romance novels like Gossip Girl and The Kelly Diaries, the prequel to Sex and the City. Dress up like a fashionable literary youth. Since then, I have become friends and have always been very personal in the way I dress. Others greet me with a compliment of my clothes and my taste.

Ten years ago, I was groping about what love and desire are, and how to control my own charm and attract the attention of others. At that time, I pursued an ambiguous feeling, not necessarily to fall in love, but to explore human nature and experience the diversity of life. As a Sagittarius, my pursuit of love is an adventure, to understand and feel, not to establish long-term intimacy with others.

The astrology teacher analyzed my horoscope and found that I have a tendency to avoid intimacy, either pursuing objects that are out of reach, or rejecting the current intimacy. But now I don't deliberately solve this life problem, and I don't do anything, just let everything take its course. I really don't want to spend too much thought and energy on this. But these days Venus retrograde has made me re-examine how my desires are shaped.