Personal opinion l People who have long-term relationship experience must know how to manage relationships?

The day before yesterday, I met a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. He mentioned that he had recently lost his love and wanted to start a new relationship, so he met a girl. The woman has a conditional requirement for her future partner, that is, she hopes that the man has had a long-term relationship experience.

This is an interesting idea. It's not the first time I've heard similar views.

For example: when making friends online, many people will write some conditions in the introduction text, such as: people who are close in age and fall in a certain age range; or people who have heard of divorce and want to remarry , will look forward to finding someone who has also been divorced. Of course, I also often hear that at a certain age, if you don't have any love experience, people will easily reject such people.

From my observations, those who put forward these conditions have a common perspective, and they all think that the so-called "age", "relationship qualifications", and "marital status" are all life experiences. In addition, they also have some common needs, such as wanting to find a relatively mature and stable person who knows how to manage relationships, who can get along well and who can understand themselves.

Are the so-called "age", "relationship experience" and "marital status" equivalent to life experience? And the above conditions are directly related to whether they are mature and stable, whether they understand business relationships, and whether they can get along and understand others because of this?

for example. A person with insufficient English ability constantly retakes the English test, and the retakes one after another should have accumulated a lot of experience in dealing with the number of English tests. But we don't seem to praise him for his "experience in taking the English test", let alone think that his English ability is very good.

In the same way, if you use "age", "relationship experience" or "marital status" to determine whether a person has rich experience, and accordingly determine whether a person is mature enough to handle emotional relationships and have the ability to understand the other half, this is logically true. Fallacious.

"Introspection ability" is the key!

In my opinion, there is a very important condition called "introspection ability".

With the growth of age, the experience of love, the change of marriage, it will definitely increase a person's "touch opportunities" in different aspects of emotion. But if a person does not constantly regurgitate and think during these contact processes, these experiences can only be regarded as a "history" of life at best, a "history" that may be completely forgotten. It cannot be called "experience" at all. . The so-called "experience" should be conscious thought and knowledge. Therefore, life experience without self-examination, let alone it can be turned into "experience", or even internalized into a person's "ability".

Moreover, the so-called "introspection" is not enough to "think". For example: After some people break up, although they will reflect on what they have done, they may simply and rudely think that their personalities are not incompatible, or one-way think that they have done something wrong, so they will break up. But this kind of "introspection" is actually very shallow. Once such logic is applied to other relationships, it is very likely that something will go wrong. More importantly, it is the person's "what he thinks" and "how he thinks".

I think it is reasonable to expect to find a mature and stable partner. However, if we only think with a linear and misleading causal logic, it is very likely that we will not find the partner we are looking for. Therefore, when judging the characteristics of the other party, it is likely to have a clearer clue to understand the specific characteristics of this person from the way he describes his past emotions or his attitude towards past love experiences. At least I think that a person's descriptions and attitudes about past experiences reflect the way that person thinks about relationships, and can also roughly predict how he will treat his partner in a relationship and how to deal with emotional challenges.

If a divorced person has been complaining all the time and attributed it to the other party's problems, which led to the divorce, then it can be roughly guessed that this person has a higher probability of easily blaming the other party for relationship problems. On the contrary, if a person who has no experience in love continues to reflect on his own interpersonal relationships, or obtain nourishment by listening to and digesting the emotional life of others, even if he lacks "practical experience" in love, he can Presumably this person is someone who can listen and who is willing to continue learning about the relationship.

Of course, in addition to his attitude towards feelings, how a person deals with and looks at various things in daily life is also an aspect of understanding and judging a person's characteristics. Therefore, it is indeed biased to make judgments based solely on "age, love experience, and marriage".

It is undeniable that objective information such as "age, love experience, marriage" has its function. It can help us more easily filter out the objects that are "highly likely to be in line with our preferences". But if you only use this kind of information to judge a person's characteristics, it's easy to fall into a myth and miss other objective criteria, but the actual personality characteristics are in line with your expectations.

Finished on 2022.04.07