Returning to our true self, crossing the gap between us and filial piety

The annual Mother's Day has just ended, and the lively festive stickers on social media are flying all over the sky. I can't help but think about what else we can do other than commercial hype consumer gifts and ceremonial luxury meals. Relationship with parents?

If your relationship with your parents is close and harmonious, it is indeed a good blessing, you can skip this article; but if you and your parents love each other and kill each other, want to be close to each other but are afraid of being hurt, the relationship between parent and child is full of constant clipping The love-hate entanglement is still messy, maybe this article can provide you with some help.

Life is the most beautiful

Everyone was once an innocent baby. When most of them fell to the ground, their parents were full of joy and anticipation, waiting for the arrival of a new life. There was nothing else to ask for except praying for a safe and healthy growth.

When we were children, we had a pure and unconditional love for our parents. As time went on, our parents began to love and take responsibility for everything from eating, talking, personal emotions and feelings, learning, making friends, dressing, etc. Consumption, money outlook, employment, mate choice, life choices, privacy... More and more expectations, judgments and control of children's projections, friction and attachment to getting along with each other, and the distance between parents and children is getting farther and farther. The joys and sorrows shared with each other are less and less.

Once upon a time, the open heart began to close, replaced by a high heart wall, day after day, eventually forming a gap that was difficult to bridge. This kind of intergenerational problem occurs all over the world.

As Chinese, we are also bound by the so-called "filial piety" of the descendants of Yan and Huang, not only "filial piety" but also "obedience".

If you dare to go against your parents' will, you will have to bear the stigma of "rebellious and unfilial." As a result, the family becomes a battleground of right and wrong, binary opposition, or children make sacrifices and sacrifice themselves to meet their parents' needs and expectations. This kind of moral shackles It weighed down the already exhausted family affection even more heavily.

How can adult children and their parents escape from their roles, rights, obligations and responsibilities, moral norms, collective consciousness and beliefs... all kinds of frameworks, and return to the true and pure relationship between people, just living on a pure and equal footing?

【Extended reading】

Wu Ruoquan: Filial piety is not an obligation

Set boundaries, stop damage and heal

Everyone is an individual, especially an adult. Even in the face of your own parents, you should still have clear and clear boundaries about your belongings, body, space, and important life choices.

If the boundaries are not clear, it is easy to pass the responsibilities on to others, believing that in order to be filial, they do not want to disobey their parents, so they sacrifice and compromise and hinder their own choices; Take responsibility for your own life for what you truly desire.

Admittedly, parents have their own views and needs, and a sincere and equal relationship is not based on moral norms, social belief systems, or roles and responsibilities, but respects each other's ideas, and in the process of mutual running and frank communication , clarify each other's needs, try to find the greatest common divisor acceptable to all, and reach a consensus.

Of course, this is the most ideal state. If there is no harmony and communion, the family is always in the pull of right and wrong. Maybe it is better to be separated than to consume each other.

If in order to fulfill filial piety, you are unwilling to set boundaries bravely, force yourself to compromise, sacrifice to meet the expectations of your parents, but you feel resentment and indignation in your heart, then the remaining love between parents and children will continue to wear and tear, which is an inevitable result.

【Extended reading】

If my parents were control freaks: How do I set boundaries, heal myself, and end the generational cycle of control?

Reconcile with yourself and return to your true self

Growing up, we didn’t have the wisdom and strength to discern between our parents’ words, actions, and discipline, which were out of control and which were out of true love.

Maybe we blindly accept the judgments and beliefs of our parents, agreeing that we are not good enough, stupid, lazy, slow, not as smart, good, and good-looking as others..., or we have embarked on the road of opposition and resistance, and gradually walk with our parents Getting further away... No matter what kind of result, it has caused damage to the parent-child relationship and self-worth.

The vast majority of parents do not deliberately hurt their children's self-esteem. They are limited by their own growth background, life experience, social belief system... They can only give everything they have, and cannot give things that do not belong to them; more often , parents are also mired in fear, anxiety, or regret that self-realization has not been fulfilled, and this is projected on us.

If we are committed to the awakening of self-awareness and are willing to become a truly independent and mature individual, step out of the victim role in the parent-child relationship, understand that our parents have done their best, we will accept them as they are, and withdraw our resentment and expectations towards our parents. , judge, break free from the shackles of resentment and craving for love, take responsibility for your own life, reconcile with yourself, no longer judge yourself from the eyes of your parents, but become a source of your own strength, learn to take care of yourself, pamper yourself, and cheer for yourself , to release themselves and their parents, to return the autonomy of life to each other, and sincere gratitude to their parents will have a chance to sprout.

The two greatest gifts we can give our children and grandchildren are: roots and wings.

Whether we accept it or not, we have inherited our parents' blood genes, life experience, and belief value system. This is the script setting of our soul blueprint in this life, and the origin and starting point of this journey to the earth.

As human beings, we complete the evolution of our souls by experiencing various ups and downs in life.

If our parents can't give us a pair of wings to fly high, why not spread our wings, become who we are, and soar between heaven and earth.

Only after experiencing true freedom and unrestrainedness can one be willing to return home and feed back. Isn't this the true meaning of "filial piety"?