Selling my endless anxiety post-adolescence

◯◯ When I left Kaohsiung in 2010, I was a young man who didn't know what he wanted to do or where his future was. I'm not a brilliant but always a maverick kid. I have a lot of cleverness. I slept in class and didn’t concentrate on reading after school. I decided that after graduating from a secondary school, if I could be admitted to the next level of school, I would continue to study.

But it should be because I am full of English words that I can't understand in information management or information engineering. I am not interested in images, text, design, and layout. Every time I run away from the programming group until after graduation. That summer vacation, I really got my diploma. That year, I tried to take the information-related transfer test. In the state of "I don't really like this subject that much", all of them were not on the list, but I was lucky to get a good money in September of the year of graduation. What to do, work super close to home.

This job kicked me out of the internet world before the dotcom bubble hit. My mind is full of imagination about this world. I don’t know if it’s because I think too far or it’s too imaginative. In the imagination of the older generation who don’t know what the Internet can do, it’s completely useless. It is possible to tell what the future, possible, and future of this world will be like, but in 2010, those ideas were too unrealistic.

I asked my mother to give me more tuition fees and let me register for the university transfer test. This time, the test is mass communication. Finally, I no longer need to read those codes or heavy original books, but the communication theory compared with the state at that time often made me feel conflicted. It does not conform to the status quo (the theory is written in the book, and the skewed reality is used to challenge these theories.) In the exam questions, I can always get a very high score on the big question of the exam. , but because he could not get grades in other projects, he missed his further studies again.

I don't know where the stupidity or courage came from. It should be because I wanted to run away too much, so I decided to leave this "I really don't know what I can do" South.

Before entering middle age, a large part of the tail of my youth was tied to Taipei, including a few romances and many situations that I couldn't help chasing.

For example,

On a holiday with a lover when we wake up around noon, we both take a book with us and go to a coffee shop near our house for an afternoon just to finish reading the book; we may not talk to each other, and occasionally puff and smoke a cigarette Blow to the page; I might get bored first and want to talk to the other person, only to be attracted by the other person's quiet expression, wondering what she's reading? What makes her read so vigorously?

For example,

Later in my work, when anyone chatted with me about a certain author or topic, I would hide my disinterest or not know what the other person was talking about, and pretended that I could keep up with the other person’s small talk, and most people made it clear "This thing is very important, we all need to know it", "This is something that needs to be understood, you can't understand it"... I often feel my own inadequacy in the huge message of Taipei (but I don't feel that I am not good enough) ) , it seems that as long as I say more, I'm like a hillbilly. (I'm a hillbilly! Why pretend.)

Maybe my lovers read the classic literature, the difficult social issues, the humanities and arts with more history and more insight; The feeling of being in a fairyland (in other words, not eating fireworks) , it's hard for me to talk to them, the sociology, the Andy warhol, the nobel prize for who who wrote what? If it is more popular, I can talk about a few highly entertaining dramas and movies, but if I go to see Chu Fu, I should take a nap. Even Hou Hsiao-hsien did not start to like his early works until he was 30 years old.

So in the last part of my youth, I was trapped in the anxiety of "not being able to keep up with others" and "wanting to talk to these people". (But I never feel like I'm bad, I just want better.)

◯After returning to Kaohsiung for seven years, I needed to slow down because I was not accustomed to the soil and conditions, I needed to get away from everything in Taipei, and returned to my youth before I left home. world and future. But the anxiety of wanting to talk and communicate with some of the people I like in this world (not just lovers) has swept up my whole body like a drug addiction.

I buy books like crazy, books that I know but I have no interest in and never want to pick up and look at, from Calvino, Camus, Vonnegow (I really like Vonnegger), Pamuk To Haruki Murakami, from sociology, psychology, natural sciences to modern or classic literature. But the genres I've read the most are probably my favorite parts: Taiwanese pop music, movies, screenplays, architecture, design, photography... When I found out that these are the most read books on my shelf , and other books that I bought in order to ease my unease, also grew in multiples and took up my living space.

Before entering the Year of Doubt, I had sold, delivered or cleaned up one-fifth of all my books. At that time, I was thinking in a way of "cleaning up the relics" that if I died someday, these books would bring them with me. Give the family a lot of troubled mentality to clear. While the days are still moving forward, these anxiety that I haven't even turned over are still placed in a corner of my home, occupying a large part of my "real life, real love".

There is no reason. Before entering the midline between the ages of forty and fifty, I suddenly made a decision:

I decided to say goodbye to those anxieties of my post-adolescence!

In addition to the fact that physical and mental strength is not as good as before, what most often find in middle age is "Life! It's meaningless to catch up with anyone", or "If someone really says that you don't understand and you don't find it at all. Living in a fairyland by yourself (you can't live your life, you just talk about things you don't understand), you really don't have to dance with him!"

The world I'm chasing "always trying to talk to me about the hard things I don't understand" is really just an anxiety about what I thought I could be before middle age (a friend or lover to such a person). Time to drop them!

More than 20 years ago, I wrote and wrote about the drama and became the network manager of the drama. Every day I woke up and talked about the same drama and the same topic with netizens, fans, and bosses, just like I would later talk to friends in the publishing industry or friends in the social movement industry. Just talking about the same hopelessness or anger makes me feel extremely oppressed and wonder "why are we never talking about ourselves?" , why you never tell me what you watched funny, funny, sad, uncomfortable of? Instead, they have always been circling on extremely huge issues, and have lost their own life and all kinds of curiosity about the world?

I decided to say goodbye to these useless pursuits, and just live my life that is actually quite brilliant, and leave more space for my future life: space for living, space for thinking, and space for freedom.

I will sell all the books that I anxiously wanted to chase after who bought them before middle age, in a way that I close my eyes and forget about the past, leaving only the music, movies, theater, architecture and photography that I cherish. .

If you are interested in buying my post-adolescent anxiety, please go to: https://bit.ly/sunlinebooks (you need to log in first to open it with a mobile phone, otherwise it will say that the store does not exist)

At present, there should be more than 100 books on the shelf (many have been bought). If they are all cleared, they should be able to clear another 400 books (because there are too many things at present, I need to slowly move the position to take the books out XDDDD) CDs seem to sell better (in fact, I still have hundreds of DVDs!) I will also put all the ones I don't listen to on the shelves one after another. These last vacant spots are for my hand tools and later me!

Picture: 20170905 studio's bookshelf (should have also sold the bookshelf XD), iPhoneSE (first generation)