"Southern People Weekly": Sex and Love in Love Violence

She is his prey, a subordinate, secondary, parasitic other. In a vicious circle of intensifying violence, this 20-year-old bloody and sweet love has been reduced to control in the name of love.
For victims of violence in extramarital intimate relationships, due to the lag and loopholes in legislation, coupled with the inability to keep up with the concepts and practical skills of justice and law enforcement, legal rights protection at the practical level is difficult.

In love, Yi Ting is as docile as a lamb. In just one year, she saw the young girl in her body stillborn, her self being eaten up by the greedy maggots of her lover, and in the delirium constructed by words and logic, academic authority Seen as the weight of power, sex has become a tool of slavery, violence shows eloquent fangs, and there is no fear.

He looks like his father, walks, looks, smiles like feet. Fourteen years her senior, senior intellectual, young Fulbright scholar (an international educational exchange program funded by the U.S. government), a rising star in academia. The gleaming brilliance made her willingly crawl under his authority for a time. He is like a demigod who replaced his father in Beauvoir's writings, playing the role of protector, provider, guardian, and guide; he is the holder of value, the guarantor of truth, and the defender of ethics.

The love in bed became Yi Ting's meeting gift, and the spotless sheets opened their bloody mouths to swallow her up. Doctrine becomes a cunning form of violence. In the web of meaning he constructed, she became a chrysalis cocooning herself. Faced with isolation and control, lies and self-deception, she gradually becomes unable to distinguish between enemy and self, reality and illusion.

She is his prey, a subordinate, secondary, parasitic other. In a vicious circle of intensifying violence, this 20-year-old bloody and sweet love has been reduced to control in the name of love.

hunter

On the way to the hotel to meet Dr. H, Yi Ting felt throbbing and panic in her heart. But three months ago, she exchanged WeChat with him at an urban planning workshop. For her, who is a sophomore in a 985 college in China, he is tall and far away with excellent knowledge. She neither hopes nor takes the initiative to approach him, and the WeChat conversation is tepid. Until he suddenly said one day that he planned to fly to the southwestern city where she was on the weekend.

The sudden burst of emotional sparks surprised Yi Ting. Dr. H is of Chinese descent. He studied all the way from top universities in the UK and the United States to postdoctoral fellowship, and engaged in teaching and research work in many countries. At that time, he had a visiting scholar program in Australia, and he traveled across the ocean just to see her. She was so elated, she even admired his masculine daring: doing everything in her power to seize the opportunity she could.

Yi Ting has never seen such a dazzling and personable man. A glamorous academic qualification from a world-class institution, with several degrees, academic training in architecture, urban planning, history and anthropology, able to speak from architectural concrete to philosophy and religion, and to speak and act charmingly. And she has been bathed in a typical growth environment of academics, professional titles and authority worship since she was a child. Her parents are university teachers. She is instilled in daily life to have female wisdom, and she must find a Kochi partner in the future.

In the next two days and the long days that followed, she was at a loss. Academic reputation and personal morality were actually separated from each other. When she recalled it later, she was startled, and the clues were revealed from the beginning.

The place where they met for the first time was the hotel where he was staying. She felt that the setting of this scene was very bad, but she still did not raise any objection: he had already worked hard, and he had to give priority to his ideas. This undefended gratitude turned into a servile attitude, and she decided that she must show intimacy and obedience in order to repay the courtesy of the other party's special visit.

The eyes she looked up at him were mixed with reverence and appreciation, and the love between men and women was not enough, let alone the thought of skin-to-skin. Dr. H had a great conversation with her before, which sparked her interest and curiosity. Until she lay naked on the snow-white bedding, she was still reluctant, just not disgusted. She didn't want to disappoint him. With this mentality, she mechanically fulfilled many unreasonable demands. The more he mentioned it, the more she realized that the desire was bottomless.

Yi Ting happened to be on her period that day. Dr. H felt that she was reluctant, lying and prevarication. He slammed open the bathroom door, squatted down in front of her, and began to examine her body. But this did not stop his will. In the whispers by the pillow, he asked how many times she had the most sex in total. She answered truthfully. He squeezed her neck: if your best time before was six or seven times, then I'll take at least eight or nine times. There was a chill in those words, scratching Yi Ting's spine.

Yi Ting was already very tired, but he was like a beast in love. She had never seen such a scene before. She gritted her teeth and swallowed the resistance that emerged in her heart like swallowing some kind of foreign object.

This pleasing and humiliating gesture lays the groundwork for the future.

After Dr. H returned to China, Yi Ting decided that this kind of sensual love could not be settled into a relationship. Dr. H was intentional: he looked for all opportunities for visiting scholars and academic conferences, and frequently bought air tickets to fly from Australia to China to see her. Shocked by the sincerity of the other party, she was moved. They officially established their relationship a month later. Half a year later he proposed on the cruise ship.

It is precisely because of this passive attitude that she feels that he, not she, is the one who pays in a relationship, and that she can unilaterally compensate him only for sex.

"It's sad, I totally objectify my role in a relationship."

indoctrination

He is a good teacher, eloquent and logical. He responded positively to students’ questions and emails. Some students asked him to ask him another question to answer questions. He would leave it to the final answer until everyone was satisfied. He is very diligent at work. If the work of the day is not completed, he will work all night to complete it. Write emails with a lot of ideas, rigorous word formation, and considerate responses to everyone. I admire the quality of academic excellence.

He also enjoys the role of a teacher to educate and discipline others. He is more erudite and older, so he has to lead everything, to teach me how to fall in love and how to deal with a relationship.

Every time he flew over, he would bring me a batch of books, annotate them in person, and print them out by hand. His notebooks are shared with me, and he often sends me papers to read, sharing ideas he likes, links he finds interesting, or sources that I can look up.

The first book he recommended for me to read together was Sophie's World. He said: Don't you think this is very sexy and charming? The situational setting of a girl and an adult man has been fixed at the beginning of the book. Sophies and men communicate on an intellectual level through letters, just like the normal state of our relationship. I send you the world's political news, philosophical developments, various reading notes and academic papers through letters.

The book he recommended was "Lolita", and later the movie "Growing Up Education", a love story between a middle-aged wealthy businessman and a 16-year-old girl. He likes Woody Allen very much. For example, Woody Allen's latest wife is his adopted daughter. The polyamorous love, lolicon sexual concepts and strange sexual fantasies in Woody Allen's films are exactly the same as him.

He has an underlying Lolita complex. He will look for works of literature and art with similar values, from which he will search for things that satisfy his sexual needs. Then you have to share it with me, so that I agree with him, and he has the same taste in literature and film. Actually, I thought it was sick, but I was brainwashed by him into thinking that it was really good and romantic. He also sent me tons of philosophical and literary works that emphasized the subject of privatism, films, and some odd essays that encouraged female asceticism.

He has sharp language and high frequency in academic writing. Every time he confronted him, he brought out a set of sociological, anthropological, and psychological reasons to refute me, trying to convince me that it was my problem, and then attributed these problems to my family background and bad school.

In his words, my parents were very unsuccessful domestic university professors who didn’t know how to raise children, and I was in a sad state of ordinary domestic university undergraduates, and I never went to Stanford or Harvard. Where do I get the IQ and confidence to follow He talks, and if there is an argument, he is sure that he is reasonable. Immediately, I hummed, thinking that maybe he was right, I was only a second-year undergraduate, and I was too young to understand the technical terms and theories he quoted. He is too advanced.

He started interfering with my circle of friends and asked me to cut down on my friends, because they were stupid and naive, and he didn't bother to know them. I said that if you define my circle of friends this way, unfortunately I am one of them. He said that although you are stupid, there is still room for salvation. I am your boyfriend to save you. You have the potential to be sublimated by me. I am the university of your life.

In his logic, he is a saint from the perspective of God, and I am an imperfect product that needs to be reformed. Fortunately, I met him, who happened to be a doctor from a famous university. He kindly came to save my seedling, tried to transform me into a better person, and was fortunate to be able to break free from a bad social status and accompany him to witness a better world. I also believed in him in admiration and obedience.

Of all the insults he used to me, the word "stupid" was the most frequent. He either didn't bother to answer the topic I brought up or refuted the point of view, or he said that the idea was stupid and dramatic, and it was called a wrong theory by the academic community. If you don't believe me, look at my theory and this paper, and just talk about it. Flirting can turn into rough sex.

Afterwards, I questioned that such a vulgar approach did not work at all. To solve the problem between us, there must be a good communication. He would say, based on my years of experience, that women don't need conversation, just sex. You are too young and immature, let me teach you how to love someone. He always claims that sex solves all problems.

He would even come up with an ultimate theory of stealing logic: "I know you enjoy it, and I know you love me, all the way. If you really hate having sex with me, then when we first met that weekend, It's impossible for you to have sex with me during your menstrual period, so you can bear the rudeness, it shows that you are a 'sufferer', and you should like to be dominated by me."

physical slavery

From the beginning to the end, I have discovered many clues, but I chose to believe that I was wrong.

There's something odd about this guy, he doesn't answer my phone or call me in public, let alone video. He also blocked me on Facebook and LinkedIn.

In a year-long intimate relationship, all kinds of rough and compulsive sex were blatant. I always felt that because he flew over, I was obliged to "hand over public food" to him, even though I directly said no on many occasions.

On Valentine's Day last year, he flew from Australia to see me, but he could only stay for two days, and he made an appointment at the hotel. I was also very moved. When he got to the hotel, he went to take a shower. His phone was unlocked, and several message boxes kept flashing. I took a look and found that he was chatting with many people on Tinder (a mobile social app similar to Momo). I was so angry that I clicked and swiped down. All the more than 100 dialog boxes were from people he made appointments in Australia at various times of the day and the previous week. He landed at the domestic airport and was still chatting. In several conversations he left his phone number and Facebook account directly.

I was totally stunned. It's totally illogical, you have to fly over and spend so much effort meeting your girlfriend, why would you want to date someone else? I questioned him after he came out of the bathroom. He quietly took the phone over, deleted the software in an instant, logged out of his account, and said calmly: "I feel like you've had a fantasy in your mind recently, how can you make up something that doesn't exist. I know You are afraid of losing me, and you really care about me, which is a good thing. But you don't need to make up these lies and feel that I am unfaithful to you. Even if you feel that I am betraying you, the actual action is better than everything, I will fly over to see you, The weight of this action is so heavy, why are you delusional about these things that don't exist?"

Am I reading it wrong? I'm totally stupid. In that hour, I began to question whether my brain was normal and whether my memory was correct. His brainwashing ability is very strong, and it is also related to his good public speaking. This indisputable instant reaction makes people think that maybe he is right and I am wrong.

I cried all afternoon in bed. He said don't cry for these things, it's your own delusion, let's go to the square for a walk. The scene switched in a particularly blocky way. I was still hysterical, and he pulled me up and said that we were going to see a professor tonight, a colleague who was a doctoral student in the United States. My whole mind was very confused and almost collapsed, while I was still thinking about his cheating, and now I was sitting in front of a very romantic candlelight dinner. I cried so much that I was wearing makeup and pretending that nothing happened.

Every time he took me to his friends' parties and dinners, my experience was quite good. He was very considerate, touching my hair from time to time, patting my head, pinching my face, and not letting me lift heavy objects. To make everyone think that he is the perfect boyfriend, if we have problems, it must be me being childish and critical. In this public setting, I would be treated like a real person. It wasn't until he waved goodbye that he revealed his true form.

The night it was discovered he was cheating was another rough and mechanical sex. I cried the whole time, the whole state was wrong, and I didn't pay attention to the cleaning problem. The next day I flew back to school, and as soon as I landed, I went straight to the hospital. I couldn't walk anymore. I was placed in level 1 monitoring, with a fever approaching 40 degrees, and went into semi-shock. Doctors diagnosed a serious bacterial infection, associated with impure sex, and had more than a thousand times the normal white blood cell count. The doctor even wondered if I had been raped.

I feel ashamed about this, alone in the hospital for 22 days. It was still very cold in February, and I didn't take a bath or go back to the dormitory for more than half a month in a down jacket. When I went to the toilet, I held a bottle by myself. He asked me what happened and I responded that you may need to ask yourself. At this time, he dumped a paper for me, meaning that women's physiological structure is naturally conducive to the growth of bacteria, while men's are the opposite. There is also a large personal theory attached, which means that he is a saint, his body is clean and holy, and I should not accuse him of germs. I didn’t agree with him, so I bombed. I went to the local hospital to do a blood test the same day, and showed me the results. I had to define who was to blame, and I didn’t care about my health. While I was in the hospital he continued to make appointments and even sent me pictures of his newly hunted female "trophies".

I've noticed before that he has anti-female tendencies. He preached that when God created man, the female physiological structure was made stunted, ugly and dirty, and it was extremely easy to hide dirt and filth, which is why life was so unproductive.

This person is narcissistic to the extreme, and he will slowly convey to me that he is a doctor from a prestigious school, excellent, humble, and every part of his body is holy. If I accept him, I will accept every request he makes in sex. At that time, I was extremely disgusted subconsciously. I felt violated and disrespected, but I persuaded myself to complete these completely unacceptable instructions. If I felt that a certain part was disgusting, it might be that I didn’t love him enough.

Sexually I was completely at his mercy and everything was centered on his self-gratification. He can come as he wants, and he can come as he wants. Often I'm still studying, writing, answering work emails, and he's on a whim, and then he's done. For example, if he wants to be in public and finds it very exciting, he will suddenly push me to the bathroom, no matter if it's a male or female room, take off my pants, pull off my shirt, and press my head down, the order says Do. There were many times when he jumped into action and shoved me into his fantasies.

He needs me to cooperate with him, to please him, not a single foreplay or afterward caress. When I objected to him, he would say that you women have such a physiological structure, which means that you are able to accept the entry of men, and foreplay is not necessary. He would come up with a bunch of theories to disprove until I felt he was right. I have never experienced the beauty of sex in him, I even feel that sex is the collision of organs, the obligation of women to serve men.

In the future, he will proudly mention his many sexual partners. I am just one of the more than 100 sexual relationships he has had, and he believes that in a patriarchal society, his behavior is completely worth advocating. I later found out that he had been very romantic, but also put up with it.

For him, sex is something that is at your fingertips, and women are fascinated by his achievements, intelligence, and knowledge. It is the woman's blessing to be "happy" by someone with his education, such a statement of self-confidence in sexual privilege. in his blog post. His view on marriage and love is very clear. He wants unilateral and unconditional love, a lover who will never change his mind no matter what he does.

I had been tortured by him to the point of being extremely servile. Because I couldn't satisfy him sexually in a different place, I gradually taught myself that if he kept cheating, maybe I could compromise and try an open sex relationship. I began to consciously read books about pluralistic relationships, watched documentaries about polygamy, read about how Beauvoir dealt with separation, and had an open sexual relationship with Sartre, trying to make myself understand and accept it calmly and generously. He had more sexual partners and convinced himself to be a modern, avant-garde, open-minded woman.

Then I found that I really had no way to do it, because we defaulted to a one-to-one exclusive relationship. These are all excuses that I make for myself, glorify them as "new relationships," and tell myself that I'm big-hearted.

mind control

We spend a lot of time together online every day. If I can't reply to him on WeChat in seconds, he will be angry, and sometimes his mood will take a turn for the worse. This made me feel guilty, so I quickly apologized.

My heart is always hanging, and the daily ups and downs of my mood depend entirely on the text messages he sends me. His ups and downs are very big. In the morning, it can be "Good morning baby, I hope you are all well so far", and his mood changes suddenly at noon, and there are some very strange offensive language. My emotional fluctuations were completely stuck with him, and the first thing I did when I opened my eyes every day was to reply to him. So that sometimes I didn't reply to his messages in time, I was still very uncomfortable, and then I started to cry.

Every day I cry and feel so confused. I now feel that there are multiple factors in this cry. In fact, the core factor is that I don't want to be with him at all and have to chat with him every day. But I was very confused at the time, so I started to deceive myself, interpreting it as because I wanted to see him so much that I could only chat on WeChat. He will tell me that you are crying again, which is a good thing, it shows that you care about me.

I gradually distanced myself from my parents and friends. Many of my views were assimilated by him. Whatever my parents said, I would say a view that was very similar to what he said.

I used to have a group of friends who were very affectionate around me. They took the initiative to comfort me as soon as I suffered and started to cry. In fact, they were able to give me advice from the perspective of a normal person dating, but I listened to my boyfriend and thought. They didn't have the insight and ability to understand the deep and inscrutable feelings we had between us, and my own relationship handled it on its own. Gradually they became a little distant from each other. He even spoke to my friends, telling them to die. Several friends later said that if you continue to talk to him, then we should not be friends anymore.

He didn't like me going out with makeup and accused me of being superficial and vulgar. There are also requirements for my attire. He emphasized that the academic circle attaches great importance to a person's social image, "You must cover yourself well, your clothes show part of your personality." I was forced to delete more than a hundred Instagram photos at that time. Before the relationship, he liked these photos, and he asked me to delete them all, or they would break up with me if they didn't delete them. He felt that I was revealing too much, exposing myself in a way that was spurned by men. For example, the skirt does not go above the knee, the back is open, or the waistcoat shows the shoulders.

He was very jealous, and when he saw a group photo of me with other people, men and women huddled together and grinned, he would ask to delete it, feeling that I was trying to declare myself attractive in front of men, regardless of his feelings. At the same time he would in turn make me jealous, casually talking about his sex life, we were still dating, and he tried to lower my self-esteem by mentioning a sex partner who was a college girl younger than me.

He even pointed fingers at my life plan, wanting me to give up the idea of going to the United States for postgraduate studies, and go to Australia to find a job to join him after graduation, claiming that only if he protects me, I will be safe. I almost listened to him and gave up a final exam to fly to see him.

He complimented his students, but he was extremely harsh to me. We have worked together in some professional settings, but he wouldn't give me any compliments or professional advice. He feels that you need to earn my compliment, I won't give it to you for nothing, you have to earn it through sex.

I'm also confused as to why he would choose to have a relationship with me. I don't think he had any form of praise for my intelligence, aesthetics, character, and taste in life. When he can't figure out why, he says you shouldn't think about it, the cliché of "there's no reason to love someone". Then I concluded that I was young. We were having dinner with his small family in his hometown, and he made a point of two things. He can date someone 14 years younger than him, and he can bear it six or seven times a night; he finds that his young wife is of childbearing age and cannot have sex during pregnancy. It was this point that made him feel special.

He often likes to post photos of himself in his prime twenties. In the past few years, he has been getting fat and bald in middle age, and he is two centimeters taller than me. He wasn't really confident about his appearance at all.

My heart is always in a state of opposition and contradiction. On the one hand, I feel that this person is really wrong, like an anti-social personality; I really didn't know at the time who got more out of this relationship. I just feel like I'm trading unpleasant sex for a smart guy to share time with me.

get away

I can't tell which one is the real him. He has a wide range of contacts, knows how to socialize very well, and also knows how to use these relationships, and he is exquisite in various social scenarios. In public speaking, he is high-spirited, but in a more moderate private chat scene, such as an interview, when students and parents ask him questions, he appears approachable, gentle, listening, and not showing off. He would never put up the prestige of a prestigious school in front of colleagues with whom he often interacts. Everyone respected him and thought he was such a flawless man.

On the surface, he is a devout Buddhist, and he always pays homage to Buddha before driving, and he also advocates vegetarianism. Very caring, helpful and generous with money. Be kind to children. A strict minimalist and environmentalist in life, he often buys second-hand or handmade things to support charity. Everyday emphasizes fun, and is very particular about craft beer, red wine, and jazz.

Every time I hated him, he suddenly did a wonderful act of kindness, and all of a sudden, I thought, hey, he's actually a really good person, and Stockholm Syndrome came up. I was always trying to forgive the Virgin, kind of trying to redeem, help and change him. I kept telling myself to think more about his goodness, and everyone has shortcomings. Including him telling me this: If I want to manage our relationship, I must learn to selectively ignore.

Repentance is really just a moment.

In July last year, he participated in an international East Asian society, and there are no shortage of Nobel Prize and Fulbright scholarship recipients. He had a seat on the convention board, and I was involved in a project at the time. One night I had a high fever, and he thought I was too busy to take care of myself and caused him trouble. He was preparing speech materials and told me that I could sleep anywhere, but he had to turn on the air conditioner and fan all night, “Because I am the VIP, the whole conference room will be looking forward to my speech tomorrow morning, not You." I had a fever and he had to force it, so I couldn't immerse myself in it at all. His tantrums came up, and I felt like I had lost interest in him and his charm had waned.

I was naked, and he slammed it directly on me. The air conditioner remote control, pillows, cups, and camera tripods were all in disarray. I was smashed a few times, my legs were bruised, and he squeezed my hand. I was terrified all of a sudden. I was about to run away when I calmed down, slammed the door in a casual dress, and hurriedly knocked on the door of the professor next door.

The professor next door is the subject leader of our project team. He is about 60 years old, and he hastily asked what was wrong. For fear of affecting my boyfriend's academic reputation, I kept my mouth shut. It was not until the old professor saw the bruises on my body and asked, that I said it was my boyfriend. After only a few questions, the old professor concluded that my boyfriend was an extremely dangerous abuser. She directly booked me the earliest flight back to China, "The less your boyfriend can't find you, the better." I left after 4 am. As a result, at 7 o'clock, the mobile phone also received a message from him, saying that he was sorry for the gaffe last night, and his speech was a great success. I just pressed the delete button and blocked it.

The old professor immediately contacted the conference official and pointed out that my ex-boyfriend's improper violent behavior in the academic group caused personal injury, and suggested to cancel all his speeches this time. This proposal was officially adopted by the General Assembly.

I reflect on several reasons why I have not come out decisively. I grew up in a dormitory community where college teachers lived. Parents often talk about which school their daughter has been admitted to this year, and talk about a boyfriend who graduated from a famous school. I always feel that finding a highly educated boyfriend is a very long face. Both parents are "straight men" and think women's social roles are not important.

In love, he often painted a particularly good scene for me: after graduation, he moved to Australia to live with him. He would also often say, I know you want our relationship to go. Even if I didn't want to, he would give me this positive psychological cue. He said I know we are destined, made in heaven, and you are the only beautiful angel in my life. These sweet words make me die.

During the course of the relationship, I tried to make a decision several times, but always hesitated. I dared not say words like breaking up, for fear of angering him strongly. He has panic disorder, and has some manic physical reactions, often violent, and the weather changes suddenly. I feel like a determined person like him can do a lot.

Whenever I euphemistically mention not being so confident in our relationship, he shows a tendency to self-harm. He threatened that if you felt that our relationship couldn't take the next step, and you couldn't forgive me, I would die, and jumped from the 28th floor, as if he really wanted to do it. Every time I see my boyfriend's pitiful appearance, I feel that I have created a sense of insecurity for him, that I am not a qualified girlfriend, so I put my arms around him, crying and begging him and coaxing him. would want sex.

He knows how to use words to undermine his responsibilities and make me feel guilty. Every time he talks about age and mind, he blames me for the problem. The only time I bowed my head was writing to me after a breakup saying I regretted it. But what he regrets is not for hitting me, or for the mental and sexual violence against me all the time. He described the physical violence that night as an emotional breakdown, an "emotion" he failed to handle and control, rather than an act of violence.

He was still chasing after him. In the following months, he sent me e-mails from various mailboxes, with long speeches and beautiful words at every turn. He felt extremely guilty and sincerely repented. I blocked an account and he registered a new one. He also mobilized authoritative people in the academic circles at home and abroad to send me emails to persuade me to reconcile. Inexplicable people often send me messages on my email, phone, WeChat, and Weibo, begging me to change my mind. I replied to the person in charge of a postdoctoral mobile station in a domestic university and told the truth. The person in charge assured me in surprise that any academic activities in China in the future, at least locally, would definitely be condemned and cast aside.

He later said in an e-mail that if I didn't reply, he would kill himself, and he also sent me a report of his recent psychiatric treatment in the hospital for depression and a diagnosis of anxiety. did not return.

He also did the creepy thing, setting up a profile on Instagram and Facebook, posting a photo of our old travels every few days, creating the illusion that we were still glued together. Then use these accounts to add my friends.

In the process of his continuous correspondence with me, he dredged various relationships and claimed to be my family member. He had lost contact with me for more than three months, and he wanted to come to the local area to do a project with me. In the end, I found my college counselor and sent me a message: He was coming, so I was prepared for the possibility of bumping into him near the dormitory one day. He even used his family member's identity to find out my phone number and dormitory number through my school's information system.

During that time, I didn't dare to go back to the dormitory at all, I went out with my friends. Walking on campus, I always feel that as long as I turn around, maybe he will be behind me.

wake up

The old professor next door was my benefactor that night. It takes many years for many people, many people to ignore it, or to be abused to such an extent that they are willing to leave.

The first point the old professor pointed out to me was Narcissism. Academic excellence brought him an incomparable sense of superiority. I looked at him with admiration, and he vented his overflowing satisfaction on me with all kinds of forced sexual behaviors.

Afterwards, I went to many foreign websites to read the case. For a few days, I spent a few days searching for intimate relationship violence (abusive relationship) on Youtube until my face was swollen. Many victims who had experienced intimate relationship violence for many years came forward to tell their experiences. I learned a term called "Gaslighting". It is a form of emotional abuse in which information is distorted, selectively cut to suit the abuser's preferences, or false information is presented to the victim with the intent to make them question their memory, identity Intelligence and mental state.

I thought of seeing him chatting up with other girls on Tinder before, and he would bring out various theories such as visual biases and psychological hints and deny them all. 10 minutes ago I saw him chatting on Tinder, and he dared to say that my eyes were wrong. However, like stimulation therapy, I lied a lot and I really believed it. This is my subconscious mind. Because I hinted in my heart that I didn't want to leave him, for fear of a woman outside him.

The two points that the old professor next door pointed out that night gave me an epiphany. She also gave me the sexual harassment cases in Harvard University and the University of California, Berkeley, and told me that gender-based violence exists in Kochi groups. Don't think that a person has a good personal character just because he has a high academic reputation.

I am really lucky. There is a female doctor in the project team. In 2016, Berkeley University was accused of negligence in the sexual assault case of tenured professors. She was active during it. The Guardian and The New York Times were covering her at the time. She and the old professor both lived in the next room. Afterwards, I kept in touch with the old professor and the female doctor. It was they who conceptually clarified several types of violence for me, corrected my concept, and finally let me come out.

From the day he hit me, I started to record all his actions and keep evidence. I took pictures of the bruises left after being beaten, and kept all the pathological analysis and hospital records of the previous hospitalization, including all the emails he sent later.

After reading a lot of materials, I found that many of the behaviors and emotional reactions in it, including the panic disorder of my ex-boyfriend, were highly similar to my experience. I just realized that this matter has so many professional terms to define it in the field of foreign research, and these control over me can be defined as rape within an intimate relationship.

I know two girls who have experienced this kind of violence in intimate relationships. They were beaten by their boyfriends and willingly went back to find him. The college I attended did not have relevant workshops or any kind of popularization of ideas. Apart from my parents and friends, I have never sought professional advice from the outside world. It should be in the form of a sharing session to let everyone know the existence of these definitions, match these characteristics, and learn to face and identify the essence of a relationship in time. Otherwise, you can only use very vague words, alas, I've been emotionally unhappy recently. What is wrong? This is violence. Know early, identify early, and leave early.

intimate relationship violence

Later, the parents who knew a thing or two told Yi Ting that you are exactly the same as An Jiahe in "Don't Talk to Strangers".

The TV series, released in 2001, was the first in China to reflect domestic violence. Ten years before the show's release, the Chinese Women's magazine published an article entitled "White Paper on Domestic Violence", and domestic violence was first raised as a social issue in China.

After the Fourth World Conference on Women in 1995, my country began to pay attention to domestic violence against women, more than 20 years later than the international community. In the same year, the Women's Legal Research and Service Center of Peking University Law School, China's first non-profit organization specializing in women's legal aid, research and advocacy, was established.

In the eyes of lawyer Lv Xiaoquan, executive director of Beijing Qianqian Law Firm, which was founded on the basis of the center, the essence of domestic violence is power and control. Intimate relationship violence, such as breakup violence, is to use a gender-based culture of violence to make the other party succumb to their own wishes and achieve the goal of continuing to control the other party's body and mind. "Whether it's before marriage or after marriage, it's actually the same."

In addition to violence in marriage, breakup violence, divorce violence, and love violence suffered by Yi Ting (including during cohabitation) are all in the system of intimate relationship violence, the nature of which is consistent with domestic violence. Domestic and foreign studies and surveys have found that the frequency and severity of violence between lovers and divorced couples are much higher than those between husbands and wives.

In recent years, the complaints received by Qianqian Law Firm about victims of domestic violence are mainly based on spousal violence during marriage. The most common violence against wives is that of husbands. Cohabitation violence is more about divorce and staying at home. Boys and girls friends There is basically no counseling about violence in love and cohabitation.

"Whether it's counseling or cases entering legal proceedings, cohabitation violence is a marginal thing," Lv Xiaoquan said.

Compared with systematic research on romantic violence in the West, my country currently lacks national random sampling data on the incidence of romantic and cohabitation violence. Existing fragmented research is just the tip of the iceberg. The hidden wounds of "Yiting" surfaced through the cold figures.

Wang Xiangxian, associate professor at the School of Politics and Administration of Tianjin Normal University, conducted a survey among 1,015 college students in Tianjin and found that 58.1% reported experiencing psychological violence, 25.6% reported experiencing physical violence, 12.3% reported experiencing severe physical violence, and 3% reported experiencing severe physical violence. Self-reported experience of sexual violence. Professor Chen Gaoling of the Department of Applied Social Sciences of Hong Kong Polytechnic University and others conducted a questionnaire survey on romantic violence among 3,388 college students in Beijing, Shanghai and Hong Kong, and found that psychological violence was the most common (71.6%), higher than physical violence (47.7%) and sexual violence. (17.5%).

In 2004, Beijing Hongfeng Women's Psychological Counseling Service Center opened Beijing's first anti-domestic violence hotline. Ding Juan, director of the Red Maple Center, has contacted a small number of hotlines involving violence in love and cohabitation. One is rape in the process of love, and the other is violence in the process of unmarried cohabitation, including the escalation of violence in the process of breaking up, from sexual violence. Development of physical violence, mental abuse.

In addition to the four types of domestic violence recognized internationally: physical violence, mental violence, sexual violence and economic control, Lv Xiaoquan explained that it can be divided into two categories according to the degree, the initial incidental domestic violence and the severe periodic domestic violence .

This cyclical period of domestic violence includes periods of build-up of tension (arguments, minor shoveling, etc.), periods of violent outbursts (violence occurs, the victim is injured), and periods of calm (also known as honeymoon periods, in which the perpetrator expresses his apology, either verbally or through actions) Beg for forgiveness, be forgiven, and reconcile). The three chains of the cycle of violence are interlocked, showing an endless spiral upward process. This chain of violent cycle escalation is difficult to break from the inside.

Lv Xiaoquan believes that he can remedy the first incident of domestic violence by himself. Its nature, extent, and consequences are not that serious, but it cannot be left unchecked, and there must be a clear attitude of inadmissibility. You can communicate with the perpetrator yourself, or you can tell your relatives and friends to eliminate this pattern of violence through certain methods or even mediation. However, for serious and periodic domestic violence, he said that we must use external forces in a timely manner, especially the strong intervention of public power, to break any link in the chain of violence as much as possible, so that vicious criminal cases will not occur.

Just before Yi Ting met Dr. H, on March 1, 2016, the Anti-Domestic Violence Law of the People's Republic of China came into effect. It has been 20 years since mainland China introduced the first local policy against domestic violence.

The classic anti-domestic violence case selection "Raise the Sword of the Rule of Law, Punish Domestic Violence Crimes" compiled by Qianqianlu pointed out that the anti-domestic violence law has a too narrow range of understanding of the definition and types of domestic violence in practice. Sexual violence and financial control are excluded from the definition of domestic violence; narrow understanding of cohabitation violence and cohabitation, divorce not leaving the family violence, violence between same-sex partners, violence in pursuit, violence after cohabitation ends, or divorce Subsequent violence was excluded.

For victims of violence in extramarital intimate relationships, due to the lag and loopholes in legislation, coupled with the inability to keep up with the concepts and practical skills of justice and law enforcement, legal rights protection at the practical level is difficult. In Lv Xiaoquan's view, there are not no channels for help targeting this group of people. All the assistance agencies stipulated in the Anti-Domestic Violence Law, women's federations, police stations, courts, legal aid agencies, media, and the unit where the perpetrator is located, should be applicable. But in contrast to spousal violence, it requires proof of cohabitation violence between them living together outside the family. In addition, the current legislation, judiciary, and law enforcement have not given a clear explanation for this issue, and there are many cases of different sentences in the same case.

The love violence that Yi Ting encountered without a cohabitation relationship has not yet been included in the protection scope of the Anti-Domestic Violence Law. This does not mean that these victims have to endure their humiliation in an isolated corner. Lawyer Li Ying, founder of Yuanzhong Gender Development Center, said, "As long as it is domestic violence, we have to say no. Our own attitude is very important." Many of the cases she is exposed to are violence in the love stage, and it will only heal after entering marriage. Serious.

In her eyes, the reason why many victims of domestic violence turn into a long-term, inescapable nightmare is because she was not able to say no to the first time. This "no" is an attitude and an action. The attitude must be firm and clear, and it is necessary to break up. At the same time, you can also take corresponding help, including calling the police, asking women's federations, and anti-domestic violence social organizations for help, collecting evidence, fixing evidence, seeking medical attention in time, issuing a diagnosis report, and requesting injury identification if the injury is serious. It is possible to apply the anti-domestic violence law to non-marital intimate relationships with cohabiting relationships, apply to the court for a personal safety protection order, and issue a warning letter through the public security. Although there are few cases now, there are clear legal provisions, so this series of special handling of anti-domestic violence can also be done.

Regarding violence that is not married and does not have a cohabitation relationship, Li Ying said that the current legal provisions in this area are not clear, but it does not mean that it cannot be done. Even if the Anti-Domestic Violence Law cannot be applied, other relevant laws such as the Tort Liability Law and the Public Security Administration Punishment Law can also be applied. If you suffer an infringement or injury, you can call the police, and you can also file a civil lawsuit. If you are seriously injured, you can be held criminally responsible for minor injuries.

"There may be a huge myth about this relationship that is the name of love. That kind of love is just an excuse. You must judge yourself on this matter, even if he has emotions, it is selfish and controlling. True love is absolutely It's not harm, it's equality and respect." Li Ying said.

end

Half a year has passed since this incident, and the sun has risen as usual. Once I was chatting with a friend who is an art curator. The friend mentioned that there was a female Ph.D. in architecture in a Hong Kong university. Recently, she complained to him that her supervisor was harassing her. After asking a few more questions, I thought it was a bit strange, until I saw the screenshot of the WeChat account of the female doctor mentioning this mentor, and at first glance it was my ex-boyfriend. During that time, he was busy trying to come to school to find me to reconcile with me, and at the same time he was still harassing the female doctor.

The influence of my ex has always followed me, which is reflected in my lack of self-confidence in the later period, a flattering personality, and always putting others above my own personality.

At the end of June this year, another institution in China invited him to hold a fee-based high-end academic workshop, and he was packaged as a great god on the WeChat official account. Recently, he has been very active in giving lectures in Chengdu and Shanghai.

So far I have not heard of him being disciplined in academia.

(In order to protect the privacy of the interviewees, Yi Ting is a pseudonym. Intern reporters Xiang Siqi, Li Ailin, Wan Wan, Du Lihua, and Pan Xiaojin also contributed to this article. Thanks to Chen Zhongwei, Guo Yuetong, Orange Umbrella Public Welfare Liu Xia, and Wang Qing for their enthusiasm Help. Reference materials: "Raise the Sword of the Rule of Law and Punish Domestic Violence", "Scream: Chinese Women's Anti-Domestic Violence Report", "Guidelines for Trial of Marriage Cases Involving Domestic Violence", "Investigation Report on Violence in Intimate Relationships")

Helpline

Legal consultation hotline of Beijing Yuanzhong Gender Development Center: 17701242202

Beijing Qianqian Law Firm Hotline: 010-84833270/84833276

Beijing Hongfeng Women's Psychological Counseling Service Center Public Welfare Hotline: 010-64033383/64073800/68333388

The original text was first published in the 560th issue of "Southern People Weekly", this article has been slightly modified

Text / reporter Du Yijie

Editor / Zhou Jianping rwzkjpz@163.com