041 | Let go of forgiveness and be yourself.

I read this classic book on "Family of Origin" through a friend's recommendation. After reading it, the biggest feeling is: there are so many unlucky children in the world.

A more important feeling is: I don't need to reconcile with my original family, and I don't necessarily ask myself to forgive my parents' faults. There are many other things in the world, and you don't need to force yourself to forgive those things that cause us harm. The important thing is how to accept the injured self and how to heal oneself.

Only you can truly heal yourself.

When we try to "make up" in our environment or relationships, we tend to over-rely on feedback from the outside world. The family of origin shapes the prototype of our "attachment model", and we can still have the opportunity to learn "secure attachment" by ourselves through good interpersonal relationships. A secure attachment relationship is actually about self-acceptance and complete self-care.

This book is not developed with the purpose of reconciling you with the "family of origin", the protagonist is the "child" who experienced a "toxic" parent-child relationship as a child. We will grow up with this "child" forever, and the "love" that we lacked in childhood will become our own problems when we grow up: "don't know how to love ourselves" and "don't know how to love others".

I actually don't really like the word "defect" in the title of this book, it seems to me that each person's personality is a unique complex. But it is just good or bad at expressing emotions in certain areas, or the way of thinking is not the same.

Maybe you are a person who is not good at expressing your own needs and emotions, but this probably means that you are very concerned about the needs of others, have a "devotional spirit", and have a high level of empathy. If this is the case, the focus of adjustment should be "how the self identifies with its own needs", rather than "expressing" to the other party.

Only by first training your own "identity" to your needs can you get along better with yourself. Just as I accepted the fact that "as long as others like me, I like them," I realized what happened to the intimacy that made me uncomfortable in the past. After accepting this, it became easier, because there was no need to find a reason to convince yourself in the other party. For example, the other party is very talented, and the other party is very good to you...

After accepting this, the next thoughts are "Why do I have this trait?" and "If I want to change, what should I do?" , and it won't repeat itself again and again.

All harm is caused by inappropriate "expectations" of the ego. This gap comes from the gap between "what I want" and "what I get". In fact, in most cases, this gap (injury) comes from the situation of "passive acquisition" of "I don't know what I want, just what others give me".

If your expectations are really what you are after, then the world will definitely return its kindness to you.

From my own analysis, these large and small injuries will of course be attributed to the imperfection of the "family of origin". The pattern of emotional expression of parents, the unhealthy "pattern of love" instilled by parents, the definition of life... But one's own life should be decided and shaped by oneself. This is the sign of true independence. Forgiving those who have done us harm is not that important. The more important thing is to accept the self who has been hurting and work hard to protect yourself.

Love begins with acceptance, and acceptance is yourself. Love is a cycle full of positive energy, in the process of "acceptance", "identification", "healing", and "change", it constantly completes itself. Love is a journey and you are your only travel companion.

Let go of forgiveness and become who you are.

May everyone become a better version of themselves and gain peace and love.

 About Korgi Chu (Grilled Chicken)
International Coach Federation ICF Certified Life Coach / Rainbow Coach 🌈
(Member number 009600446I) 👉🏻 The personal website is committed to promoting the "output" thinking system, and using "output" to promote the growth of more people.
Issues I care about are: gay issues, LGBT issues, personal growth, self-care,
Self-worth exploration, establishment of personal brand, career transition, efficient learning methods, financial freedom.
And everything that can make you a better version of yourself.
May everyone become a better version of themselves and gain peace and love.
Contact me: korgicoaching@gmail.com