How do you view "intellectual love"?

Two days ago, I watched He Caitou discuss a very interesting topic with netizens on his official account-intellectual sex.

Today, I am writing this article to slap myself in the face, and I also want to share some of my current views on this word.

Of course, opinions only represent my rethinking of past thinking, not to convince readers. Everyone can still keep their preferences.

From graduating from university to a few years ago, I searched my WeChat chat history, and found that I used to be someone who properly and unswervingly advertised that he was "intellectual".

The following screenshot of the chat is what I said when I was twenty-five or six years old when I was chatting with my friends about the point of view of choosing a mate. At that time, I was still dating different people constantly, and I hadn't left the state of looking at labels. After all, for girls in this age group, many ideas, experiences, and experiences were still far from enough.

Therefore, I will take many words that seem to be "advanced" and use them without thinking, and even stick them on myself to prove that I am not a "superficial" person. After all, the pursuit of "wisdom" You can differentiate your own tastes from some people to show your uniqueness.

So what is "intelligence"?

I see some criteria are as follows:

1. You find someone attractive after reading an author's column, poem, or academic paper

2. Debating someone who offers original and thought-provoking arguments feels like foreplay

3. You'll be drawn to TED Talks, not just porn

4. Someone’s unique point of view is more important to you than their appearance

5. You will find that Dr. is very sexy

6. You will be attracted to people with whom you can have a philosophical debate

7. You can’t stand small talk and want to jump right into the details

8. Intelligence ranks above all other factors in attractiveness, including physical attractiveness

However, all the way to this point in my life, I found that my attitude towards this word has completely changed.

I have expressed several times in my articles that "people are mobile." If people are not mobile, there will be no change, and without change there will be no more progress or regression.

At this moment, my attitude towards some things has also changed. In the eyes of some friends, it may be progress, but in the eyes of some friends, it may be a regression.

The measurement standard is only because of the stage of life that each person is in, the degree of self-knowledge and the coordinate system is different. Anything.

Going back to the word "intellectual love", because the part of speech of the word itself has a high-level sense, so when I was young and ignorant, because of the natural favor and worship of this word, I took it as a mate choice important measure.

So how did I associate the "wisdom" of "intellectual love" with "love" before?

When I was a child, the standard of "wisdom" was very simple. I liked the person with the best grades in the class. The Chinese education system has very rough standards. Although we have been advocating the development of morality, intelligence, physical beauty, and labor, you will find that "wisdom" will always be ranked first. One, and "moral, physical, and aesthetic labor" can do some edge blurring because of the long board of "wisdom", and it is enough to meet the standards. As for what these standards are?

"Physical" can also have specific rules and evaluation criteria, and the evaluation criteria system of "German", "beauty", and "labor" is like missing data in my memory, which cannot be searched at all.

Therefore, the standard of "intelligence" at that time was good grades in major subjects, so that when I was in elementary school, the basketball captain in my class was obviously handsome and sat next to me, but I was indifferent, because his grades were the bottom of the class.

What's more interesting is that when I got to high school, a boy chased me, but his grades were very poor. I directly told him that I didn't like people with poor grades. As a result, he took the test from the bottom to the top ten of the grade. I said that my expectations have been met, but at that time, I naturally didn’t accept it, and put it off with the emphasis on my studies, but on the other side I liked the existence of better grades.

The "Mu Qiang" in the student days, Mu De is nothing more than the strength of those with top grades on campus, because grades can give them countless privileges, and the "teacher" who is authoritative in his eyes is also full of praise for them. And interacting with people who are at the top of the pyramid in the campus niche will amplify inner satisfaction and fill vanity.

Of course, the advantage of this kind of "intellectual love" is that the other party acts as a benchmark in front of you, but it will encourage you to force yourself to study hard, so that you will be "a perfect match" with the other party.

After the end of the student days and the first entry into the society, this standard of intellectual sexuality began to extend into a more diverse evaluation system. It is said that it is plural, but in fact it has not escaped the original thinking, it is just a variant and a single standard just a continuation.

The "wisdom" of "intellectual love" has evolved into large companies, large enterprises, state-owned enterprises, central enterprises, annual salary of one million, xx positions P8, P9 and above...

In addition to this dimension, another dimension is to evaluate according to the amount of knowledge in the other person's mind. If the other person has a lot of poetry and poetry, he has a little ink in his chest, and he has learned five cars, you will also think that this is the embodiment of "wisdom".

In short, anyone who is difficult for you to reach high level, you will think that they have this "wisdom", a word can be summed up as a person who meets the "powerful" standard, that is, "wisdom".

The word "powerful" can contain a lot of unclear concepts in one breath, and it can also show the emotion of praising people's worship. In short, don't ask whether it is high IQ or something, they are just capable and powerful.

It's natural to love such a person.

Therefore, in the beginning, I didn't really think about what the "intelligence" of "intellectual love" really meant.

Does "wisdom" mean "intelligence" or "wisdom"?

IQ and wisdom are two completely different words in my eyes. A high IQ does not mean that he is wise, and a person's wisdom does not mean that his IQ is necessarily high.

In my eyes, IQ is innate, and wisdom is acquired. IQ lies in innate generation and acquired training, while wisdom lies in acquired learning and thinking. IQ is a measure of the IQ of the human brain, and wisdom is a quality of the IQ of the human brain.

Wisdom is a kind of philosophical system that can be formed in acquired learning and thinking. They are philosophers who can see through the origin and general laws of things. A wise person has a very high ability to comprehend the things and laws of the universe, that is, understanding and spirituality.

If you want to understand this, then let's think about how the "wisdom" that everyone "loves" is represented by?

The most obvious line of thinking is that "a wise man must be a 'strong man'."

So how should "strong" be defined?

Can IQ be directly linked to secularly defined success? So it can be deduced that a high IQ can be successful? Or is it linked to academic background, so that it can be deduced that high education is "wisdom"? But if TA relies on memory and problem-solving skills to get high marks and enter a good school, can it be considered "intelligent"? Or is it a symbol of "wisdom" who has a strong ability to make money and has climbed to a higher position of power?

If yes, then what is love in the end?

Is it a wide-ranging poetry book that loves Ta, and has ink in its belly? Or do you love Ta's financial power and the ability to cover the sky with only one hand?

Later I gradually realized that the boundaries of the term "intellectual love" are very vague, and even largely untenable.

This is more like a kind of standard that does not possess oneself, but attempts to impose one's own expectations on others, hoping to obtain all the standards of "wisdom" that satisfy one's own expectations in disguise through deep intimacy with others.

Of course, this kind of thinking is understandable, after all, I have stepped on a similar pit.

When I was in my early twenties, I "liked" people who were much older than me in age and experience. I didn't mind appearances at all, and I even had to draw a line from those in the appearance association to express my alternative tastes.

At that time, when I first entered the society, I often met people who were more powerful than me. When I met one, I excitedly shared with my mother that who was so powerful, and I liked each other very much.

My mother gave me a roll of eyes at the time and said to me: "You are looking at this mountain and looking at that mountain high. When you meet a good person, you love one. How can you go on like this?"

But as ignorant as I am, where can I listen to my mother's words, I just want to date a bunch of smart and excellent people, after all, the feeling of pursuing "intracranial orgasm" makes me feel so full every time, so much that I mistakenly think that is love.

Every time I listen to them talk and share their experiences, my eyes light up and I am filled with admiration.

At that time, when dating someone eight or nine years older than me, I naively thought I really liked people, but it didn't take long for you to realize that what you thought was "like" at the time was actually not "like" at all, you just loved those people What you don't have is blinded.

I can't help but laugh at the memories of my teenage years. I can't criticize her thoughts too much, after all, her experience and experience are not enough for her to understand what "love" is.

With the passage of time, I, who have little experience and experience, gradually understand a truth. Instead of putting expectations on the other party, it is better to put the cultivation of "wisdom" on myself, because this can be greatly improved in the future. Avoid a pit in love - choose each other because of their "wisdom".

To give a specific example, if you have a good academic background, social status, experience, experience, and financial resources, then in choosing a mate, your inner desires and demands for some things can be beaten to the lowest level, but from Some more pure and real dimensions to think about whether to fall in love with each other.

The high probability that you fall in love is not something that Ta presents to the outside world, but pays more attention to the soul and inside of the other party, whether the other party can talk to you, has a tacit understanding, and so on.

So in my opinion, "intellectual love" is not a 100% good thing. On the contrary, there may be a relatively large risk, especially when your understanding of "intelligence" is as I mentioned above.

The worse result may be that when you were young, you chose a person who met your expectations of "intelligence", entered into a marriage with him, got everything you wanted, and unexpectedly appeared a person who made you re-cognize "emotional". ”, the emotional pain at this time may have to pay a greater price.

As I wrote in the last article "Golden Age" , in my 20s and 30s, I don't think about marriage and childbirth. The important reason is that I have to gradually learn and understand a lot of knowledge that I can't learn in the classroom. .

Like what does love look like?

What is it like when I'm with different people?

I have a crush on a person, why does this crush come from?

If one day he has nothing, am I still willing to accompany him?

What do I like, what is it about the other party?

Will a person pop up in my brain from time to time?

What kind of people would I cry for?

Would I be happy to see each other without any expectations?

Will I give unconditionally for a person and love him recklessly?

...

The proposition of love will run through a person's life. Isn't this proposition worth taking the time to recognize?

So, after talking about the single dimension of "wisdom", let's talk about "love".

In fact, I like and appreciate people who have "intelligence", whether they are "high IQ" or "wise", but now I know very clearly that my feelings for such people are not male or female, let alone primitive The urge to like is more willing to meet and become friends with each other than lovers.

At this point in my life, I have come into contact with too many intelligent people of all shapes and sizes. Every time I chat with them, I can feel hearty and climax in my brain. I still enjoy everyone’s conversations. There are countless moments of inspiration and thinking overflowing, but those beautiful feelings and experiences have nothing to do with hormones, and they have nothing to do with love.

And what does love need?

The love theory proposed by American psychologist Sternberg believes that love consists of three basic components: passion, intimacy and commitment.

Passion is the erotic component of love, the emotional fascination;

Intimacy is the warm experience that can be evoked in a love relationship;

Commitment refers to a decision promise or guarantee to maintain a relationship.

You will find that none of this love theory is related to any "wisdom", so let's think about it again, when you say you love each other, what exactly do you love?

Is it the sparkle of everything about the other person that attracts you, or is it a feeling that you can't tell the truth when you are with the other person? Or maybe you can be yourself easily in front of the other person? ...

One of the biggest traps of "intellectual love" is that it magnifies the proportion of "intelligence" in love, thereby ignoring other more important factors.

For example, if a person has top grades and a high IQ, but the other person is arrogant, his relationships are messed up, and he doesn't know anything about the world, would you be willing to fall in love with him?

If a person is excellent in intelligence and IQ, but lacks in sexual ability, is sexually indifferent or impotent, or is completely incompatible with your sexual life, are you willing to fall in love with him?

If a person is smart, full of economics, but withdrawn, unwilling to communicate with others, and often emotionally unstable, are you willing to fall in love with him?

Of course, the examples I gave may sound extreme, but they are actually happening in the real world, not made up.

Saying this, I just want to remind my "intellectual" friends to understand some questions:

1. When you say that you are "intellectual", what do you mean by "intelligence"? Could there be a more specific description of the term?

2. Is your first priority in mate selection really "wisdom"? If this is not satisfied then do not consider any other advantages? If this is met, can a series of additional factors such as "appearance, height, character, sexual ability..." be reduced for this?

3. Do you think that the most important factor in the occurrence of love is that the other party must have "wisdom"?

4. You have been thinking about the person who has been heartbroken day and night. Do you think they have the "wisdom" you need? Is the moment you feel him because of his "wisdom" at work?

5. If you are "intellectual" and fall in love with someone who meets your expectations, under what circumstances do you think there is a possibility of breaking up? If this is something you can't stand the other person but can't change, can you compromise for the sake of "wisdom"?

You can seriously ask yourself the above questions.

Going back to myself, the factor that determines my liking for a person is no longer the priority of "wisdom", and I follow my own heart and feelings more.

When you get along with someone, even if the other person doesn't do anything, you are naturally very happy, you can't help grinning, your inner tension is like a deer, your rationality has even been offline, and you will have feelings for him. A lot of thoughts and fantasies, then this emotion itself is the most primitive and instinctive emotional feedback.

If the other party happens to be humorous and interesting, can make you laugh, can chat with you, or can bring you a lot of extra knowledge and thinking, then these are just extra points in the formation of emotions, let me Just more fascinated by this relationship.

Later, I realized that I am a "superficial" person, because the people who would make me fall in love and want to fall in love are really handsome guys in the eyes of others, but I was reluctant to admit it before, and I was not honest with myself, so I am definitely not What an intellect.

Is that the other extreme? I don't think so either, after all, if I'm really in love, I wouldn't put my appearance at the top of my list.

For example, Ai, he does not meet my aesthetics, but he is not ugly. His motivation to match his appearance has nothing to do with his appearance. On the contrary, I admire his humor and humor, and his optimistic and positive attitude towards life in the face of difficulties. , and more importantly, he can catch my lowest and worst appearance and provide me with great energy. He is more tolerant to me than I imagined, otherwise if I measure it purely by one dimension, then we will be in trouble. of.

Therefore, the purpose of writing this article is very simple. I think that a person can be "intellectual", and it is totally fine to choose "wisdom" as the first priority, but if the preference and worship of "wisdom" are directly rude When it comes to love, it is easy to fall into a huge trap.

"Intellectual love" is a beautiful and high-level word, but it is not the same as love. Don't be blindfolded by this word in jail, blindly pursue it and miss the real "love" happening.

If love can be attributed to a single attribution, then there will not be so many men and women in the world who are hurt by love. It is precisely because of the simplicity and unpredictable complexity of love that there are so many stories about love in this world.” "Love" thinking and various love stories.

However, it is precisely because of the existence of "love" that it adds a strong meaning to life.

A life without experience and experience of love is somewhat deficient. Whether in love, bitterness or sweetness, it is worth experiencing and trying boldly regardless of return.

Love as if never hurt;

Sing as if no one listens;

Dance as if no one is watching;

Work as if you don't need money;

Live as if today is the end of the world.

Love, like you've never been hurt

Dance, like no one's watching

Love, like you've never been hurt

Sing, like nobody's listening

Work, like you don't need money

Live, like you're on heaven on earth

"Love as if you've never been hurt"

- Alfred De Sousa