Illness Notes | I am neither optimistic nor brave

Written on the eve of hospitalization. As early as a week ago, I had planned in my mind what to bring to the hospital, but I haven't dared to pack it until now. Although the hospital is also like Simon Pova said, almost like the airport, there are people walking around with luggage, but they have to pack for the hospital. The luggage is not expected at all.

Since the tumor was discovered three weeks ago, this is the fourth article I have recorded about my thoughts on cancer. Both Matters and Grid have left messages to me, saying that I am brave, but I understand that I am just lucky. The conditions made me more calm .” Including having no children and having a religion - maybe because of my religious beliefs I don't get attached to physical things.

In addition to saying that I am brave, there are also many people who encourage me, saying that this is a chronic disease and there is no need to worry, and some people encourage me with their own experience and the disease resistance process of my relatives and friends. Originally, I wanted to say "accidentally discovered that many people have breast cancer", but this is not surprising. My grandmother was also diagnosed with stage three breast cancer six years ago when it was close to the Mid-Autumn Festival. I saw a piece of paper on the door stating that because the number of registered patients was "too many", only the patients who felt unwell and the doctor palpated hard lumps would arrange for an ultrasound on the same day, and that was only a time to serve the surrounding residents. small hospital.

The day before yesterday, a former colleague whom I hadn’t contacted for a long time sent a message asking me if I would like to receive an analysis copy of a French children’s book (they want to collaborate with a French podcaster on an audiobook of classic literature, there will be a Chinese host explaining the content and someone needs to write it. copy), I had to explain that I was going to be hospitalized on Monday, and the other party knew that I had a tumor in my breast after inquiring…

This is the fourth sick note I have written. I am afraid to let people I know know that I have cancer. I am worried that others will not know how to deal with it, and I am even more afraid of causing them trouble. Fortunately, due to the epidemic Everyone can't come to visit patients, which saves a little social pressure.

After being "sick", I have a lot of content in my mind that I want to share, and I want to write it selfishly to achieve an expressive effect; I also want to be a testimony , so that people who are sick can see and inspire (it's a bit arrogant to think this way). ), no matter what the starting point of my illness notes is, I can’t help but worry that others will think I’m making a fuss or have unforeseen misunderstandings—but thinking about this, I feel like I’m just too worried to get sick, right?

Not long ago, a thought suddenly occurred to me: I am in my thirties and have no experience in surgery, am I about to break the record?

Tomorrow's hospitalization is the third time I have ever had an impression in my life. Fortunately, my parents are in good health. I am all about the process of hospitalization, what will happen, the details of the doctor's rounds... and so on. From American TV shows and movies, this ignorance makes me more disturbed the closer I get.

There is also an episode. I was supposed to go to the hospital for mammography on Thursday, so that the surgeon who was hospitalized the next day had material for reference. After rescheduling the appointment, it happened to be during the hospitalization period, and only after private messaged the doctor was able to arrange a photo shoot on Friday, and only had time to get the results before the operation.

I stopped by the hospital on Friday to ask about the status of the inpatient center, and only then did I know that I could not eat or drink after midnight on September 5. I thought that I should drink as much water as possible during the day today and store a lot of water to cope with tomorrow’s examination. Waiting, and because I listened to the instructions of the hospitalization center, I learned that it is unlikely that I would be hospitalized alone, and the aunt who had always wanted to accompany me to the hospital appeared! When I was a child, my aunt would take it for granted that she was responsible for anything, which made up for my mother's lack of good at taking care of people.

Finally, let me talk about my anxiety

Many people say I am brave, but I am not.

I just understand and believe that everyone tells me "you won't die", the doctor even said "no one else can see that you have cancer". The doctor is also quite young, probably my peers. Maybe he heard from his predecessors or learned from the experience of seeing a doctor in the past few years that some people feel ashamed when they have cancer, so he told me "others can't see it", but "Will die" or "others will know" is not my real concern.

My grandmother lived a good life before she was diagnosed with cancer, but now she is almost only lying in bed. Apart from looking at stocks, she is worried about what she should eat, because my grandmother is over 80 years old, we can understand such behavior, and she There are also filial and loving children and grandchildren, no one will criticize her "lying flat".

I worry about losing motivation in my life as well, and that's why I hesitated before I got tested.

I also remember when my grandmother was hospitalized after the surgery six years ago, the nurse asked the male junior to leave the bed when she wanted to change her dressing. She had to close the curtain before changing her dressing. Accompanying the sick alone, my grandmother doesn't care much about "privacy" because of her illness. Simon Pova also mentioned in the book that her seventy-eight-year-old mother was just like an item in the hospital bed, allowing others to directly open the clothes for inspection.

I fear that this "objectification" and ease is due to illness rather than their advanced age.

 This is still an article written at will without modification, and it can only be written here. Although I am not optimistic or brave, I still hope to cheer for myself and others :)

I am neither optimistic nor brave