张先生，我写信给你了。

爱，之于我其实是一种精神鸦片吧。跟EDM一样。

张先生，展信愉快。我再无法获得你的消息了，看了新闻才能知道你现在如何，有点寂寞呢，所以试着亲自写信给你。距离上一次已经是两年了吧，手边没有好看的纸了就只好打在Matters上然后寄给牛面。最近我写了很多关于爱的文字，然后突然，五月十日的四点，我重新开始听原子邦妮，看着上次我写给你的文。

得出了开首的结论。然后在youtube music弄了一个属于你的playlist，打着这篇一边在听，大概这是我表达爱的方法吧，虽然歌单你听不到，可是其他人可以听到，我也能一直反刍着彼此的情感。距离我们初次见面已经快五年了，我订婚了。谢谢当时的你让我下了跟前度一刀两断的决定。 「意识到自己并没有对方喜欢自己那么喜欢对方」大概当时在你车上听着《存在》的自己是那样想着的吧，可是一切都开始模糊了，像我日益严重的近视、晕眩和鼻敏感，可是活着又是一种如此真实的感觉。

我大学毕业了，终于。那天你载我去考的试，是哲学系的Understanding Morality。出轨的自己想着没有道德的人去考morality真的很好笑，然后在试卷上垂死挣扎展演着逻辑，还留言跟lecturer说拜托让我及格，之后我free elective会选你的课的（最后真的有选）。明天也要工作啊，虽然我再三跌断了腿可以work from home，可是不睡然后工作的自己，会一直在issue和device之间发狂。我将一些没有一起听过的歌都放了进playlist了，像是珂拉琪的歌和宇多田光的One Last Kiss，还有Cyberpunk 2077动画版的I Really Want to Stay in Your House（是Lucy的情歌吧）。或许是一种期许吧，毕竟情感不能停留在2018年的冬天和2021年的初夏。大概是在更新情感的database。 （提起LUCY就想起月亮然后又想起币灾^w^ 我的鱼柳包稿费变成了0.1个鱼柳包了）然后往playlist里面加了几首关于月球的歌（捞月亮的人、月球上/下的人）

嗯，突然好晕，眼前有彩色杂讯了，该吃早餐了吧，可是我不舍得开灯，仿佛灯亮了我的情感就会灰飞烟灭。此刻，四点四十九分，你醒来了没呢？一点的时候我食了一碟菜心还是芥兰，吃到尾有一条特别生的，生到我听到他在尖叫。大概不用开灯也能摸着黑吃到放在床尾的红豆面包吧，靠着macbook萤幕的光线。可是我仿佛没有力气挣脱枕头堆成的座位，依旧在敲打着键盘。

还是起身去了厕所然后拿了一包乳酪来喝。我掉了条头发在mon上，大概是从浏海来的，头发形成了圆弧，还以为是Matters文字编辑器的新graphic。或许没有不会醒的梦的吧，就像没有不会完结的爱情、幻像和音乐。或许我们相遇的时候只像一场发烧时候发的lucid dream，可是我还是想坐在你身旁听你说话。偶尔会觉得自己的爱很沉重、是个阴沉的女人，可是又已经是身分认同的一部分，就像《不起眼女主角培育法》里面的霞之丘诗羽一样，无止境地在写着妄想的情书和轻小说希望对象读懂。

希望你能身体健康身壮力健（这个祝福来自一个第四次裂/断骨的人）。

I really wanna stay in your house.

迟来的生日快乐。

kay. 2023. 0510//06:22

附录：

1. 张先生playlist 的link，是unlist的： https://music.youtube.com/play list?list=PLfgciUQQ9xABZW7Fipwy96U57Y0BnoH-_
2. 张先生在里面听不到所以文字歌单在此：
   原子邦妮-存在live ver、苏打绿-我好想你、原子邦妮-我只是你的梦境、这样我就能忘记你了、被你遗忘的森林、＃imissyousobad、天亮之前、在_崩坏之后、TK-Unravel the First Take ver.、容祖儿-心之科学、Cozy Syndrome-没遗憾放任、Manson Cheung-心兽(within Monster ver.)、珂拉琪-葬予规路火烌犹在、宇多田光-One Last Kiss、AGA-City Pop、Mizu、高濑统也-どうして、珂拉琪-万千花蕊慈母悲哀、Samuel Kim&Lorien-I Really Want to Stay in Your House、IZ*ONE-I love you 3000 cover 、杨千嬅-捞月亮的人、Gin Lee-月球下的人、陈奕迅-月球上的人、Cozy Syndrome-夜空、Pandora-安全距离应该有些在903能听到DJ播的歌吧
3. I Really Want to Stay at Your House的歌词，即使旋律是如此浪漫抒情，歌词却很绝情，救命

I couldn't wait for you to come clear the cupboards
But now you're going to leave with nothing but a sign
Another evening I'll be sitting reading in between your lines
Because I miss you all the time

So, get away
Another way to feel what you didn't want yourself to know
And let yourself go
You know you didn't lose your self-control
Let's start at the rainbow
Turn away
Another way to be where you didn't want yourself to go
Let yourself go
Is that a compromise?

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hopе this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

And I'm awarе that you were lying in the gutter
'Cause I did everything to be there by your side-ide
So, when you tell me I'm the reason I just can't believe the lies
And why do I so want to call you (call you, call you, call you)

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hope this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

Oh
I don't know why I'm no one

So, get away
Another way to feel what you didn't want yourself to know
And let yourself go
You know you didn't lose your self-control
Let's start at the rainbow
Turn away
Another way to be where you didn't want yourself to go
Let yourself go
Is that a compromise?

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hope this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart