"Meet My Inner Child - On Learning Fears"

Would you believe it if I said that although I have a Ph.D., I actually have a fear of learning?

Since I was a child, I was often said to be a child with high self-demand, and I would try to do my best in many things! However, there is one thing I often feel powerless, that is:

"I've worked so hard...why can't I do my best?" or "Why I've been studying so hard, but still so slow?"

The above voices often hinder my learning efficiency! A long time ago, a senior student told me that I had a "learning disability". At that time, I learned that I had the issue of "learning fear", but I didn't have a deep understanding...

While meditating today, decided to go back and see my inner child and ask her if she knew something…

This day, I looked inward for my inner child, and found her sitting sullenly and confusedly at a wooden dining table next to a beautiful kitchen in a large wooden house. The desk was covered with workbooks, which seemed to be in a state of preparing for homework.

💁🏻‍♀️I asked: what's the matter with you? Why do you look gloomy?

👧🏻Little Q: Hmm... I think there is a lot of homework and I can't finish it! And I feel like I'm not good at learning, very bad!

💁🏻‍♀️Me: No one knows everything from the beginning, they learn slowly, practice hard, and learn well!

👧🏻Little Q: However, I think I have studied very hard~ but I can't win against others! And learning is slow, I feel that I have to work very hard, super hard work~~ is just an average level in the eyes of others.

💁🏻‍♀️Me: Why compare with others? Don't you think it's great that you're improving every day? Why do you have to be so anxious to learn it?

👧🏻Little Q: Because...if I don't learn it right away, or I need to be taught many times, I will be scolded! I don't like being scolded! But I can't learn fast, and I have a high chance of being scolded for learning new things... So I don't really want to learn new things...

Suddenly, I understand! My fear of learning actually originated from the horrible memory of being asked to "learn things quickly" when I was a child!

The picture suddenly shows that I was riding a bicycle when I was a child... At that time I just learned to ride a straight line, and I didn't know how to turn... As a result, when I was practicing turning, a car accidentally crashed into the roadside! I also smashed the small basket in front of the bicycle... The point is, this bike seems to be a new car bought by my neighbor for his child... At the moment, I just remember being stared at by fierce eyes and saying, "What are you doing? Ah!" in a panicked situation...

It’s a small thing, but I didn’t realize until today that I’m in a very, very, very sad mood at the moment… I’m already super afraid of turning on a bicycle, and I’m still knocking myself down in this fear… Then , I found out that I broke my neighbor's new car. These are enough to blame myself... But at the same time, I was angrily scolded by my beloved family "Why can't I learn?"

Years of uncomfortable feelings, slammed out... In this way, I burst into tears for almost half an hour😅 Growing up so much, I only realized through this process that my fear of learning came from being eagerly asked when I was a child, to be fast Experience learning new things.

In this way, in my thinking and behavior pattern, I have created a habit of this: If you can't learn a new thing quickly, you are a very bad person! And if you don't do it well, you only get scolded... There is no reason to say it. More seriously, you will feel that you are not worthy of being loved...

Hmm, that sounds scary! But no family intentionally wanted to hurt their loved child, it was just the context at the time that not everyone knew how to express their love.

The screen returned to the wooden house, and I told Xiao Q: If you feel wronged and want to cry, cry, I will accompany you! It is your important right to express your emotions and let them flow ~ but you have to remember that no matter what state you are in, those who love you will always love you! And feel it with your heart, and you will find yourself deeply supported all along!

Little Q looked at me with crying red eyes, and seemed to understand something...

Opening my eyes, I drew this card "Growth".

"Learning" is never easy.

Through today's awareness, I understand where my fears come from, and I understand more deeply that the fears in my heart are just accumulated from old experiences. More importantly, many of the self-understandings brought about by those fears are simply unnecessary or even wrong!

"Learning" is to be serious, but not to be over-chasing or over-strengthening. When we can look at "learning" with a relaxed and happy mood, support and accept ourselves with unconditional love, follow our own pace well, and know that we will surely achieve the desired results, where is there "fear of learning"? ? right!