[Personal] All memories dissolve into a tattoo in the palm｜Cigarette After Sex

I believe that many people have heard of the band Cigarette After Sex (CAS for short): it was established in Texas in 2008, and released the mini-album "I." in 2012, including the famous work Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby, but the band has to wait By 2016, it was only thanks to YouTube's algorithm that it was recommended to netizens that it became popular. Sorry, it is not my specialty to always write band history and song reviews. Today I want to write about the various memories of CAS in my life...Recently, I always think about the past.

That year, I was an exchange student abroad. Just broke up with a terrible ex, and I have lingering fears, and it took a long time to let myself step out of the haze. Maybe I, like others, saw the website recommending this decadent and romantic band name on YouTube, as well as the mysterious female naked neck, and I was unconsciously attracted to it. Everyone always likes to use "empty inspiration" to describe them. Hey, what is "empty inspiration"? ? ? I hate when people use unintelligible words (although I may have used them too). In short, the sound of their music seems to be playing in a bottomless pit, you look into it, and the music looks at you. An echo catches you. At least, that's what I thought the first time I heard it. I forgot where I heard it, maybe it was the living room of that house? Alone at night, the living room is lit with soft yellow lights, watching the blue light screen, hanging out on YoutTube, calming down even a little bit.

Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
As long as you're with me, you'll be just fine
Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby
Nothing's gonna take you from my side

I have forgotten how I, who was full of scars at that time, thought when I heard this lyric.

But I clearly remember (almost the clearest and earliest memory about CAS) that later, at the home of my secret lover Y, whom I met abroad, I took a shower alone while listening to Dreaming of You. At that time, because the old house was no longer rented, Y and his partner let me nest on the sofa in his house, and the nest lasted for several months. At that time, I was not only living under the fence, but because I didn’t go to work or go to class, I watched the sunrise on the vast terrace every day before sleeping on the sofa. The living room is full of empty wine bottles and last night's pizza, and either "Lost In Translation" or "Her" is playing on the computer, and they will make out with Y halfway through. Damn, I'm an out-and-out "decadent Wenqing"! Life at that time was as rubbish and romantic as the protagonists of "The Dreamers". There was no tomorrow, only happy and lazy days. Maybe because it is always too dirty, I always think of the hot bath there, and the mist around Dreaming of You, right? But this song has another deeper memory - more on that later.

I fell in love with Y at that time, and CAS released several songs at the same time, among which K. made me feel the deepest. Y does not love me, maybe Y treats me as a good friend with a physical relationship, but at that time I was still innocent, even though I was indulging in the fantasy of "romantic and decadent youth", I was not ready, and I was not even exposed to some things that were different from the mainstream Emotional view. It just so happens that K.'s lyrics started out of this alternative feeling, but different from my reality.

I remember when I first noticed that you liked me back
We were sitting down in a restaurant waiting for the check
We had made love earlier that day with no strings attached
But I could tell that something had changed how you looked at me then

In fact, I don't know whether Y has ever loved me or not. I went back to Hong Kong with him, traveled elsewhere, and returned to foreign countries. Finally, he stayed and I came back. I guess not, but we went through a period of time and my outlook on life changed forever.

It was only after I wrote this that I realized that after I left and after I came back, every time I changed residences, I also experienced a emotional injury. That year, CAS was going to perform in Hong Kong for the first time, and I went to see it with anticipation and melancholy. I don't remember if K. was the first song in the opening, but I remember crying when they played and sang K. The first time I cried at a concert (by now, it's normal, isn't it?) I missed being loved, and I didn't feel it. Am I missing an illusion? Or am I depressed knowing I have never been loved? I guess I would have thought that the horrible ex and Y both loved me, but maybe they didn't.

Kristen, come right back
I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed
When you light the candle

Then V appeared. I just realized that, in my memory, at that time, red curtains were drawn from the left and right in front of my eyes, and V walked over, with the sun behind my back. V took me to sit outside a coffee shop. Although it is very noisy, but I don't know if I want to be romantic, or I still substitute a fantasy character with no scars and only joy. I propose to listen to my favorite CAS together. I chose the one with the strongest feeling but no pain, Dreaming of You.

Seen you from afar
Wondered who you are
Wondered what you're like
Think you're just my type
and now I'm dreaming of you

V fell in love with CAS, fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him. That summer, CAS released the self-titled album "Cigarette After Sex". V taught me to smoke. We would listen to CAS dozens of times in the dark room, then step out onto the rain-soaked patio to smoke together. That summer, I was in a kind of crisis. I used to say it was "confused about the future" or "emotionally hurt", but it doesn't seem to be the case. At that time, it came all at once, and there were many different entanglements: "Am I worthy of being loved?", "What is love?", "Why am I like this?", "Did I encounter any problems growing up? "Looking back now, the denial and doubt of myself almost destroys myself. I don't love myself, I want to disappear completely, to pour my inner self completely out into the ditch, like an empty shell. I just want to feel like I'm dead. It's really contradictory because V's love never stops. Maybe, if it wasn't for V pulling me desperately, I should have jumped into the sea. Or maybe, because I oscillate between pain and love, V is so important to me. Or maybe it's because of V that I'm going back and forth like this.

Because of unemployment and out of school, my life revolves around him, he pulls me into his life, I am still depressed, he should be very discouraged, but I feel a little bit who I am, even though I am still a depressed person. So far I can’t explain how important V is to me (it’s hard for me to imagine, I’m a person who is good at expressing), probably, the huge and unbearable beauty will make you shattered and tears will come to your eyes. Will make you sigh Tomorrow will only be worse, because today is the culmination of life with him, then, there is no tomorrow.

At that time, my favorite was Each Time You Fall In Love (very different from V's favorite), the slowly stacked prelude, lazily groping in the dark according to the lines of skin and muscles, with every trace of notes The texture is faint and sad, like exhaled cigarettes will become thicker in the humid air on a rainy day.

Each time you fall in love it's clearly not enough
You sleep all day and drive out in LA
It isn't safe

We always describe the other person as a person who will destroy himself and make himself irreparable. It's all too risky but worth it.

Can I skip the middle?

Eventually I left V. V cried that day and scratched me, I still remember it vividly, and even think of the sound of his crying. I cheated, betrayed the person who loved me the most. After that day, I hope that I will never hurt those who love me again. (However, someone said to me a long time ago, "Please next time, don't hurt someone who is sincere to you like this.")

The pair of red curtains were closed and the lights were turned off.

In the end we are left with times that we cannot look directly at, in the past, even if briefly. Like the stars in the universe, they can only be seen by looking up at night, if you try your best to fly close, you will be burned. All memories with V are actually locked in "Cigarette After Sex". After parting with him, I dare not listen to it anymore. Recently... Let's take a look. I want to let go of myself, just think about it.

T, I did not listen to CAS with him. Hateful me, when T asked me to cover up the V-related tattoo with other patterns, I asked the tattoo artist to tattoo a tape that said Cigarette After Sex, which was melting. I miss V, but I don't want to miss him so much anymore, because I made a choice, it's T. After listening to CAS many, many times, let the memory turn into eternal flowing water, those misty rains, those sweat and tears. I stopped T again and secretly missed V.

At that time CAS had released several singles. Following the "Cigarette After Sex" album, everyone is looking forward to what CAS's new work will look like. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be exactly the same. CAS stayed in the style of 2017 and even 2012, with little change. Some people began to criticize them for their lack of creativity, only relying on the neutral voice of the lead vocalist and ambiguous and romantic lyrics to support the band. Even if fans are like me, they have to agree with these criticisms. But after being with T, I listened to CAS's new songs only a few times, and I didn't replay them again and again like before. I'm afraid, afraid that I will miss V, and even more afraid that I will regret it. More precisely, it is the fear of realizing that you have regretted it.

T is very smart, he always knew that I couldn't let go, so he often quarreled about it. Once in the middle of the night, we had a quarrel at his house, and I said I wanted to go home and went downstairs. I really wanted to smoke (T didn’t let me smoke, so I quit at the time), but when I walked to the convenience store by the sea, I realized it wasn’t open. Forget it, just go to the beach and watch the sea. Walking, looking back subconsciously, T followed behind with a look of reluctance on the verge of tears. I asked, "I want to go to the beach, do you want to come?" So I walked forward alone, and he continued to follow. By the time we got to the pier, we were blowing up and arguing about unimportant things. Even so, I still remember him crying and shouting, telling me his helplessness and grievance. It was still raining that night, and he ran after me in just pajamas and shorts. After yelling, he ran away in the opposite direction of home while crying.

I froze, and suddenly, the voice and appearance of V crying appeared in my mind. "I won't hurt the person who loves me again." Does T love me? A minute ago, I asked him loudly, "Do you love me or not?" He cried and shouted, "If I don't, why would I dress like this and run downstairs to follow you?" Then he ran away. T loves me, but I hurt him again. I regained my senses and started to chase, but I was only stunned for a moment. He had already run far away, and I could only see his back slightly. It was still raining that night, and we were running along the road. I recalled that when I told V that I wanted to be with T, when V left crying, I didn't catch up with him. So I'm going to catch up with T. Is that right? Why can't I love them well even though I love both of them? Why should I love T because I love V? Can I still call them love?

I lost him, so I had to keep calling his name. I couldn’t see him when I looked around, so I had to keep calling his name. I ran back and forth, calling his name until I vaguely heard his voice call me. He nestled in the car room in the parking lot, drenched in the rain, his eyes were red from crying, and he called me weakly. I rushed over and hugged him, knelt on the ground and cried. I supported him and walked a kilometer of road, in the rain, back to his home, without saying a word. I wanted to leave, but he still wanted me to stay overnight.

I finally realized that maybe, that terrible ex didn't love me, Y didn't love me, it was really because I wasn't worth it. I realized that I was the horrible lover who always hurt, wronged, betrayed, and helplessly accepted those who loved me around me. I don't know why T was still with me at that time.

CAS released its second album "Cry" in 2019. The You're The Only Good Thing in My Life in it always reminds me of that rainy night at the beach T shouting that he loves me, but I don't know, and It was too late to know. I am the least worthy of love, the worst person, but he still loves me. My world has lost V, and I have completely given up on myself, but he still loves me.

You make me think of storms on the beaches
With all the lights off
Everything is wrong, but it's alright
You're the only good thing in my life

But it was too late. In fact, since I left V and was with T, no one has ever been happy. It was too late. T loves me bitterly, but he is at a loss. He has been under the shadow of V, and he knows that I have never let V go. Why can't I drop V for T? I don't believe in letting it go. As I am now, thinking about that horrible ex, Y, V, T, I don't really let anyone go. Guilt, shame, regret, as soon as I listen to CAS, I will think of the past that I didn't want to talk about. I want to walk behind my back. It's not because I think self-worth is based on past incompetence, but those moments of life carry the real emotions of that time and space between me and them, crying and laughing, pain and love. Those emotions are scattered, so don't treat them badly again. At least I have to remember that they loved me. Even in the past, they are still important. I cherish these fragments too much to put them down. They are not tools, anything to teach or learn. They are who they are, as real as a scar on the skin. This is my atonement and hell, doomed to spend in memories of shame and regret.

What do you do to wake yourself up when you realize you are having a nightmare? I would close my eyes hard, then jerk them open, and I would wake up. Occasionally, I do this in bed. I want to get away from this reality, wake up, V is lying on my pillow and falling asleep, I don’t know T; wake up, I and Y are on the sofa, watching the sun lightly climb the sheets and fall asleep; wake up, I don’t know To A, that dreadful past, I was in that room in the home I no longer saw, thinking about how I was going to dress for school tomorrow. My hell.

One evening, T walked behind me for a while, the bridge was so lonely, only the sound of the train passing under the bridge. We hugged at the end, he looked back at me, held back his tears, got into a taxi and left. I haven't been in touch since.

R and I have been together for almost two years. We rarely listen to CAS, he prefers to listen to my past. Sometimes I play CAS songs at home, and R doesn't like it very much. He liked it before, but now he always feels it is too clichéd. In fact, so do I. I have written about my annoyance for many years, and sometimes my hands get numb when I write it. Just as I can’t imagine listening to CAS dozens of times more, but, Cigarette After Sex on my arm, can't get away from it all. Yes, I really like them.

Thank you, R, for reading this far. I love you and thank you for hugging me for everything. Even if you don't like the music very much, you hug a fool who has Cigarette After Sex tattooed on his body. I remember that after I told you all the past, I cried because of guilt, but you also hugged them one by one, I always remember. I've always remembered, and that's why I'm the one who causes pain, but you can still trust me. You are stronger than you think. "The important thing is to think about the present and the future." Okay.

I still look forward to their new songs, and I will laugh at them as usual, never letting go, and I am secretly glad that they have no intention of letting go. I won't be "okay", and letting go doesn't mean "it will be okay". I am good, remember well, and I can be good.

Thank you Cigarette After Sex for being here, thank you for the past, thank you for everything you gave me. I am grateful.

Thank you for reading too! I always love to turn my sick (and breathless) inside out, but you guys still want to read it. Writing is really healing. Bless you all, and I hope you will think of things and people important to you in the song Cigarette After Sex. I love you guys, yes! you! Thank you for the love you gave me, let's see each other in their songs.

Finally, let everyone listen to their new song released last year, Pistol.

I know if I saw you & we kissed just once
You could be happy, maybe you'd come back
Because I really miss you, don't know how much more I can take…