Remember before immigration (2) My family of origin

If you have read the previous article, you may be amazed:

Why am I so "hatred"?
Why do I hate Chinese culture so much?

It starts with my family of origin.
I came from a family with both parents and I never felt love.
I have a physical home, no worries about food and lodging, and I haven't been subjected to a lot of physical abuse.
But mental trauma is often more terrifying than physical trauma.

Immigration forced me to face myself again,
Choose the relationships you need to keep, and let go of some toxic relationships that you have become accustomed to.

Looking back now, I can't think of how to describe this childhood except "the ghost knows what I've been through".
You can probably make a movie or write a book in detail.
Decided to simply write them in this tree hole, self-mind Detox.
It also broadens the horizons of people from normal families.

family communication

I asked myself that I was really not a good kid when I was a child,
Since kindergarten, I have been frequently asked by teachers to meet with parents.
It was always my mother who attended, because my father knew he would beat me up.
No educational implications other than physical beatings.

Because my mother couldn't bear to see it and didn't want to conflict with my father, she hid everything from her father since she was a child.
For example, if I did not get good grades in the exam, she would say that the school will send the report sheet late,
Until my father forgot about it.

My father himself is a giant baby with a very heavy temper.
As long as something goes wrong, she will lose her temper, and my mother will only run away and calm down.
And he is very aggressive in almost every sentence he speaks and rarely praises others.

Even if he thinks you did a good job, he will say: How many times did you wake up "this time", ah. (Ah that means stupid)

If you share happy things with him, you will be poured cold water.
If you share unhappy things with him, you will be thrown into trouble.

Of course, try not to let him know about the big and small things in life.
Even if there is something to tell him, he must be the last to know.

My mother is a "girl" in a classic Chinese society,
To put it bluntly, it is an accessory of the husband. The husband said one and she dared not say the other.
No matter what my father does, her only way to protect her child is to hide it,
Never have a head-on conflict with her husband, nor let her children conflict with her husband.

These are the parents I know.

family dinner

Although we were born in public housing, what we lack is never material.
Maybe because I have Alzheimer's disease, since I bought a computer at home in elementary school,
I was allowed to indulge in the computer all day long, and even eat "dish head rice" in front of the computer.

Anyway, apart from the taste of the food tonight, there is actually nothing to communicate at home.
During the social movement in 2014 and 2019, Shen Lan's father watched TV at home, I believe there is no need to say more.

After getting married, maintain the habit of returning home to eat every week,
"Eating" literally means sitting together and putting food on the counter into your mouth.
There is no meaningful communication throughout the meal, just like setting up a stage in a restaurant.
The sight also surprised the wife at the time.

"Why should I go back?" I also thought about this question for a long time,
Maybe it's my responsibility to always be a child?
This meal every week is the only connection I have with the family.

This is the family dinner I know.

Parent-child relationship

There are two episodes of the deepest impression of getting along with my father:

The first clip was when I was holding it in my arms, when a popular family activity was watching fireworks on both sides of the Victoria Harbour.
I vaguely remember that it was drizzling and there were a lot of people, and I was fortunate enough to get a hug from my dad.
Too bad it was race day and I was naughty pulling my dad's radio.
As a result, he fell heavily to the ground, and I no longer want my dad to hug me.

In the second clip, when I was a little intellectual, I bought a puzzle with my mother but couldn't complete it.
When I saw my father coming home from get off work, I naturally wanted him to play with me.
As a result, he scolded us severely because of his accumulated temper at work.
I also scolded my mother to buy toys for a waste of money, and I no longer want to play with my father.

This is the parent-child relationship I know.

differential treatment

"Shengzi has no heart and liver" and "raw char siu is better than raw you" are the golden sentences of this kind of Hong Kong family.
Because I asked myself that I was a disobedient child, I felt that I deserved to be treated differently.
I had bad grades in school since I was a child, and I was often caught and punished for being naughty at school.
I should be punished for being scolded for everything I do.

But the younger sister is often in the forefront, and she is definitely a good girl with excellent academic performance.
So every time my father came home, he would call out "my rotten son" and "my good daughter".
But in fact, my sister is not better, they are:
99.9% of what my father feeds me is feces, and 95% of what I feed to my sister is feces.

No matter how good the result is, the first place in the whole class, as long as it is not 100 points, it is "no use for ghosts",
Because he has his primary school education, he needs full marks in the exam for silent writing.

This is the family exchange I know.

The price of life, the fear of being abandoned

My father worked on the site, and there were many different contractors.
I remember one of the judges who unfortunately had a child with Down syndrome,
Often incontinent, he takes pleasure in the misfortune of others.
It is often said, "If I had this child, I would take him to the river cruise early in the morning" (meaning to take him out to the high seas, and then kick him into the sea).

So what does he think his children will feel when they hear this statement?
Probably "father wise"!

No, he never considers other people's feelings.

When I was in Primary 5, my foot was trampled because of physical education and I was hospitalized for several weeks.
I finally recovered and was discharged from the hospital. One day my mother told me:
"The doctor once said that you have a chance to grow or shorten your feet, but fortunately it didn't happen, otherwise Dad would definitely not want you."
What a shock to a child less than ten years old.

It's scary enough to have a father who thinks like this in the first place,
The mother then chooses to tell her young children the idea.

This is the value of life I know.

Why am I not an orphan?

Chinese parents love to say that their children are "stones popped out and picked up on the street".
I also tended to believe this when I was a kid.
Because as parents, they are two different things from the parents in the books.

Parents of friends and classmates will speak encouraging words and share life moments.
When I get home, I can only eat, sleep, and cry myself in bed if I am unhappy.
By the way, my father said that boys should not cry, they will be beaten if caught.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, why am I not an orphan?
Orphans also have a little better imagination of their parents.
Just like the lyrics of the orphan boy, "if you want to hug, wait for the reincarnation".
At least he'll think hugs are a good thing.

But I can't, I'll be scolded for asking my dad to play, and I'll be thrown on the ground if I hug him.
Mom will only scold Dad by the side, but will not stop it.

These are the parents I know.

teach by example

My father was born in mainland China and came to Hong Kong with my grandfather.
Then my father complained that he was not taken care of by his mother.
Since then, his family has separated into two factions, the grandpa faction and the grandma faction.

Since the reconstruction of the ancestral house in the countryside, money and interests have been compromised, and the conflict has intensified.
Maybe the aunt's faction scolded him "a mother is born without a sect", and it hit the nail on the head,
Since then, the two factions have hardly communicated with each other except for administrative needs.

A few years ago, the aunt was in critical condition in the hospital, and the aunt who still had a little contact with her kindly contacted her father.
Get a cold sentence: "What's up with me then?"

This is "filial piety" I know.

Apologize

Under the same roof with him for more than 20 years,
Never heard any words of apology in his mouth.
Yes, there is no "sorry" for accidentally bumping into each other.

Big things and small things, no matter who is wrong, he will never apologize, and he will finish things with a light laugh.
He lost his real estate license one night and had a bad attitude.
I wrongly blamed my mother for "how can I disappear if you didn't touch my things",
I lost my temper and searched all night.

It turned out that the certificate was given to other relatives by him before.
Afterwards, of course, there was no apology, not even a single sign, pretending that it didn't happen.

This is the attitude of life I know.

things after marriage

There are three kinds of unfilial piety, no descendant is the greatest.

Coupled with the formula for family happiness in Hong Kong, one must get married and have children.
So the Honey Moon honeymoon trip started on the second day of the wedding.
The two elders are most concerned about when we will have children.

Concerned to almost need to be in the family WhatsApp group,
Remind us to remember to mate every night.

After two years of marriage with no results, every dinner I have to ask:
When will I have a grandson to play with?

It's no longer fun for my son to grow up, ask him to get a new toy and have a grandson for him to play with.

Every time I hear it, I get furious and my sanity line breaks.
Is life for you to play with?
Playing me a tragedy is not enough, but also delaying future generations?
We adopted a cat girl, and we never said adopt it for fun.

After another two years we finally decided to have children, but unfortunately miscarried.
My father knew this fact, but at my sister's wedding banquet,
In front of relatives and friends at the head of the family chair, he said a lot:
"I've been looking forward to holding my grandson for a long time, but it's a pity that the hollow treasure"
Since then, we have continued to complain that we are not filial, saying that our son is impotent.

They hurt me as a child, I grew up hurting those I love,
Can you still feel that your children owe you?

By this time I knew it was a Point of no return.

"Discuss" Immigration

Why "discussion" has quotation marks, because communication with them is always one-way.
The two sides only have their own expressions, and as long as you disagree with him, he will lose his temper and attack him personally.
And the low level of personal attack is probably equivalent to calling Li Ka-shing a poor ghost.

For example, I successfully applied for relocation with the company to continue working abroad.
My father insisted not to believe it and insisted that I went abroad to make "wash flatbread".

Once again, because of the Chinese happiness formula, immigration is definitely an outrageous thing.
This of course does not need any discussion, immigration = "heartlessly abandoned two old ghosts to fend for themselves".
To immigrate to the western country he hates the most is simply a sin.
After saying that Bi Da lost his temper, my mother calmed down again and persuaded him not to say any more.
While the decision to emigrate is well known, we haven't talked about it for a year.

A month before take off, I finally decided to do my duty as someone else's son,
Tell your parents the date of immigration because even if I don't have a good home education,
But the day after tomorrow, I finally learned to treat people with courtesy, and it's not good to leave without saying goodbye.
Finally got the reply "I really congratulate you", and the whole conversation was completed within 15 seconds.

I guess this sentence is probably my father's last words to me.
Because he hasn't said a word to me since then,
I squinted and watched TV while eating, turning a blind eye to my family.

I seem to be a failed "child care" investment,
It is necessary to stop the loss immediately and leave the market, and it will be futile to look at it.

He is a noble father, so of course he can righteously rebuke me for being an unfilial son. I deserve to be struck by thunder.
But before scolding, please make a phone call to see if his own mother is still alive.

This is the end of a relationship.

Find the way out

Looking back now, that's actually pretty good. I'm very grateful to him for being an ugly person in the first place.
All my remaining sense of responsibility for this family of origin disappeared.

Whether I have immigrated or not, from now on,
Please disappear from my life and be irrelevant in the future.

Because of the scars you left me, I will spend the rest of my life healing.
I do not want to live in your shadow.