So, how do I look at myself?

In a very relaxed tone, the doctor said, "Then I'll deal with the lymph first!"

After the examination last week, I looked at the pictures with the doctor in the consultation room, didn't I just say "very good, the lymph looks clean"? It turned out to be just a "look". After zooming in, I saw something different. When the nurse was operating the ultrasound, the doctor instructed her to go a little further to the right to confirm one of the lymph nodes, and dealt with it along the way.

I'm not a big fan of looking at pain in an overly optimistic or witty way. Humans have all kinds of emotions and desires. When you should be angry, you should be angry. When you are sad, you don’t need to hide it. It’s too unreasonable not to show depression if you are sick!

But it's strange, I don't really feel what kind of emotion I should have about what's happening to me at this time . Should I be disappointed, sad, or angry?

So instead of pretending that I don’t care, I just follow the “theoretical” procedures—I always knew I was rational, but I didn’t expect to be so indifferent—I found a tumor last Thursday, and I got insurance on Friday. The company's customer service confirms the claims content of the policy and the validity period of the policy. Sounds like good coverage, don't worry, it's the only policy I have, and after I got lupus at the age of fifteen, I couldn't participate in other medical insurance.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with the doctor directly to have a slice in the ultrasound room. After seeing the surgery for two consecutive weeks, I understand that the doctor arranges the consultation in the morning, and the afternoon is the operation time. Only every Monday and Thursday will be in the National Taiwan University branch in Zhubei, and the rest of the time is in the surgery of the hospital. My number is No. 2, but I waited for the previous slice for nearly 40 minutes. I expected it to be completed in about 20 minutes. I was suddenly nervous while waiting, and I thought about it by the way: "What will happen if I get sick? Change?"

 While waiting, discuss future plans with our entrepreneurial partners, we have listed a lot of points; then think about what kind of lamps to use for the new decoration of the dessert shop; chat with other creators about books they like to read, and then What else to read... At that time, I felt that being sick was too far away from me, and I liked that everyone talked about the future as if it were nothing.

By the way, it is very likely that the Taiwanese stinky tofu I ate two weeks ago will be the last time I eat in my life. I should not be able to eat this kind of snacks after being sick! As a Taipei native, I only have the chance to eat red noodles or stinky tofu once every three or four years of restraint.

But after "thinking" I entered the ultrasound room, I still couldn't think of the changes that would happen after I got sick. I recalled that I was very afraid of seeing people with cancer when I was a child (in church there are occasional people who need to visit sick people with adults), At that time, they always thought that their life would end at some point - in fact, no one could expect their own life - and they lived with so much pain, what was it for these people? To live or to die? When I was young, I didn't know what to say to them, and every time I went to the hospital to preach with the church was the thing I wanted to avoid the most.

I also thought that I had been afraid to look into the eyes of the patients, listening to the preacher talk about the concept of life and death in the Bible, talking about the author's belonging after death, the soul and value of people, and praying for the patients together before the end. If you go to a believer's ward, sometimes everyone will sing hymns together, encourage him, and share Bible verses... But it has never been comfortable for everyone, it has always been very heavy, and the adults are also figuring out what to say. Well, nothing seems to be right.

At that time, I felt very embarrassed. I thought it was because I had not experienced enough. Now I understand that even after twenty or thirty years, I still don’t know how to reflect on the problem of life and death. With the connotation of progress, I still can't look directly into the eyes of cancer patients.

So, how do I look at myself?

After the minor surgery, I saw that the weather was fine and I took a slow walk home.

I will continue to record the process of seeing the doctor. If you are sick and get cured, these records may inspire others. If you are lucky enough to escape, it can be regarded as a kind of life note, right? So please don't give support like last week.