May you continue to be innocent, regardless of experience

Last night, I connected with Lili, which confirmed my previous intuition and guess. Although I gained a little strength, I finally no longer worried about my malicious speculation and "smearing" others, but this is not a good thing. As I write this, I'm looping "stay gold" by Hikaru Utada. This melody makes me want to cry. A long time ago, I told myself that I must stay gold no matter what. I hope that no matter what I go through, I can remain pure and sincere. I was not harmed further, in fact, it was all because of my sensitive "feeling", or, "intuition"?

In short, it is that kind of delicate and sensitive perception. This ability is not acquired through logical reasoning exercises of external events, but a very subtle "feeling". I have made many sincere and gentle friends based on this "feeling". For example, I may trust someone whom I have just met. I can't explain the specific reason, but I just feel that he is very reliable and very close. I will always be wary of people who appear to be very warm or friendly to me. I like my ability to easily perceive "sincerity", and I have also relied on it to be "rescued" when facing some more dangerous situations. , for example, on the national highway at night, the mobile phone is turned off and there is no navigation. A person walks in the right direction based on his "intuition" and returns to his place of residence safely. I am also reckless and adventurous, and often do some crazy things that "romantics" do, such as climbing over walls, watching fireworks, walking more than ten kilometers to catch the sunrise and sunset, and walking up and down the street all night long with two people of the opposite sex I trust. , chatting, taking a car ride to the top of the mountain late at night.

Therefore, why I was so bold to follow that man to where he lived, and why I still didn’t feel moved and still had doubts after he comforted me a lot and confirmed my words, seems to be all based on my personal experience. Characteristics to find clues.

I still have no way to characterize the incident two months ago. First, I was not subjected to violence and was forced to engage in intrusive behavior. Second, I was conscious and voluntary during the entire incident. Third, I made it clear at the last time. After declining the invitation to meet, he did not pursue her. Even after two months, I still wonder if I am maliciously speculating on others. This feeling is like a kind of escape from "refusing to believe that the other person is a bad person". I still hold out hope that maybe he really only made these guidance because he likes me? I'm still thinking that it's really insincere to speculate on him "maliciously" like this. Will it cause harm to him?

But it turned out that I was too gentle. Not only did the other person have no emotion for me, but he never took seriously the moments when I honestly revealed my inner confusion. In fact, I was the one who was hurt. Not only could I not feel his sincerity with my "feeling", but I could not analyze the rationality of the matter logically. There was a big age gap between us, and my knowledge was not deep enough to compete with him. We communicate on a equal footing and it is impossible for me to make him fall in love at first sight even though I am an ordinary person. What would he like about me? Except for the young body. I don't believe that he would like and appreciate me so suddenly based on my description of myself. If you like someone, there must be a process of understanding. There is a certain kind of attraction, and it will not happen out of thin air.

After it happened, I told several close friends about it. They were all suspicious and felt that he had a purpose and it was probably not the first time he had done such a thing. They also told me to trust my intuition. , if you feel uncomfortable, something is really wrong. We all guessed that this was not out of liking or sincerity. Such behavior was probably just to satisfy his desires. Although there is no actual physical harm, the psychological damage is still irreversible. What is the harm? Having seen so closely the sense of psychological fragmentation felt by so-called "intellectuals" who "speak, think, and act in unison", I couldn't help but wonder, would such people themselves also feel fragmented? It is also the pain of "being sincere but being deceived", the sadness of "being taken away from part of my ability to trust people", the anger of realizing in hindsight that maybe I am a fool in the eyes of the other person, and the recall of being with someone who is not my best friend. The shame of having such close contact with the man I like.

I was very afraid that I would gradually lose trust in people. After the Shi Hang incident came out, I saw an article written by one of the victims. I sent the screenshot to a friend. I told my friend that what I encountered was the same as what was written in this article. There are "different approaches but similar results", and my friend also thinks that when he asked me if I had any interactions with that man later, I said no, but I still feel sad when I think about it. When I think about how I exposed my heart to him like a fool, but he may not have been listening to what I was saying at that time, but was thinking about how to make me psychologically dependent and "voluntarily" have a relationship with him, I feel like I Ridiculously stupid.

My close friends and I tend to adopt "no more contact" as a way to heal trauma. In fact, in the past two months, I have tried to alleviate it through various methods and have cured more than half of it. During this period, I also wanted to go over and warn other girls, because my friends and I had suspected that it might not be the first time that this man had behaved like this. I was afraid that women who had the same psychological confusion or loneliness as me would be led by him. But I don’t know how to remind them, because the nature of the matter cannot be determined, and I don’t have the WeChat accounts of the other girls who participated in that event, except Lili and A.

Last month, I was chatting with another friend at night. After talking about this matter, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that at least these two girls should know about it. Then I told A, and after confirming that A didn’t even have his contact information, I also thought I told Lili, but I thought that Lili appreciated his speech at the time. I was afraid that I was too hasty. What would I do if Lili didn't believe it and turned around and told him. In fact, at that time, I knew that my ability to trust people had declined a bit. I always wanted to say it but didn’t, and now I suddenly chose to contact Lili because what happened the day before yesterday triggered me again.

What happened the afternoon before yesterday tore open the wound in my heart that has not yet healed but is mostly healed. I felt it was too sudden, and I didn’t want to confront him face to face, or make it known to strangers when I still hadn’t confirmed the nature of the whole thing. I didn’t want my private affairs to become someone else’s problem, and I didn’t want to face it. Those who are unable to empathize may cause secondary harm. I'm afraid of "making a mountain out of a molehill", and I'm also afraid that rash judgment when the whole matter is uncertain will be harmful to the other party. Although I don't want anyone to encounter the same thing as me, I don't want to post big words either. Report, I want to be cautious. In a society where "false rumors are passed on by false accusations" are everywhere, I want to be more cautious.

Moreover, I did not have the confidence to characterize this matter at that time, and even "hopelessly" suspected that maybe it was just me who had experienced such a thing? When Dapeng pulled me to question him face to face, I felt like my world was spinning and I was about to faint. I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted to leave immediately. Dapeng thinks I am not brave enough and I should stand up and face it. But in fact, I don’t think I lack the courage to stand up. If there was substantial evidence, I would have stood up and exposed it myself without waiting for Dapeng to stop me. This is not a question of bravery, but that I must be cautious and avoid being hurt twice. Taking a step back, even if his behavior towards me does not constitute sexual harassment or even an "emotional misunderstanding" between two people, I don't think it is a cowardly behavior to avoid people I don't like. As long as you are comfortable, there is no such thing as "political correctness". The whole world tells you to persevere, to be brave, and to look away. I just feel so tired. Why force yourself to do something you can't do? Is it allowed to "not persist" and "not be brave"? Doesn’t it matter whether you can “let go” or not? Can you feel it first and then judge it?

I couldn't say a word about that scene that afternoon, and I wanted to avoid it. On the way to the event, I told Dapeng that I just wanted to give him a heads up, hoping that he would not be confused by the man's speech, and also to explain why I was so nervous. But I didn’t think about questioning him directly in public. I thought about attending the event and leaving. Things are always unexpected. In the end, the whole thing ended up being that I was triggered again, but the man was as calm as if his heart was still water, and there was no disturbance to him. Moreover, he blocked my WeChat message that night. I couldn't help but ask him. : "So what do you think this is?"

However, two days passed and he had no reply. I can't wait for any explanation or apology from him.

What impact did the events of that afternoon have on me? It was the difficulty of falling asleep that night with a feeling of crying in my chest. It was the loss of appetite during the day. It was the bad mood that accompanied the rainy day all day long. The exam was about to take place, but except for quickly finding an outlet to sort out my mood, I did nothing else. I don’t want to do anything anymore.

During these few months in Shanghai, nothing good happened. It is easy for me to equate a city with memories. This city has left too many bad impressions and memories on me.

I want to leave here quickly, run to another city I like, and hug my friends tightly. Fortunately, I can still mobilize my body first. Last night, I made an appointment with my swimming class classmates to go swimming together. After swimming, I regained a little strength and regained my mood. On the way back to the dormitory from the swimming pool, it rained heavily. While taking shelter under the eaves, I listened to the song and thought a lot. As I looked at the people walking on the road, I felt like I was back in the summer in a certain city, and I began to miss a certain time and people. I thought of a lot of messy things. For example, I seemed to be able to relate to the Liu Zi in "Let the Bullets Fly" who had a caesarean section and proved that he had only eaten two bowls of jelly. I also remembered the "love" described in "Fang Siqi" that rationalizes behavior. Maybe I should stop doubting myself, things needed to turn around.

After returning to the dormitory, I decided to tell Lili about me and this man. At this point, I don’t want to think about whether Lili is trustworthy anymore, it’s better to at least let her know. But Lili is actually a very gentle person. At this point, I feel like I am doubting the person I trust, but I dare not firmly doubt the person I doubt. After we connected, we discovered that we had both experienced the same thing, but she was luckier. She did not have any physical contact with the man and escaped two potential dangers.

After we talked, she immediately contacted the person in charge of the event where she met this man, and clearly told the person in charge what happened between the two of us, the timeline, etc. And I want to start quietly investigating other women who participated in the same event to see if there are more victims and alert other girls. Lili also comforted me and told me to have a good rest. She would carry out these things so that I could study with peace of mind in the past few days, and she would also tell me the progress of the matter.

Lying in bed, I thought that I am actually lucky, but I know that luck is actually a kind of privilege. Growing up, I have met far more good people than bad people. Most of my close friends are gentle and kind people. I was bullied when I was a child. Yes, there will always be someone to protect me. I also thought about my childhood when I saw my family flicking away a pest that fell on a flower pot instead of killing it directly. I asked my family why they didn’t kill it. They smiled kindly and said softly, “Kill it.” What does it do? This incident left a deep impression on me. The family members who believed in Buddhism and were kind to others had a great influence on me. That kind of softness and kindness gradually infiltrated my heart. But this also has a negative side, that is, being too weak in certain places can easily hurt yourself. For example, if you accidentally hurt someone else, you will feel more uncomfortable than the injured party, and you will think too much about others. That night when I was queuing up to buy bread, I asked the man if he wanted to eat it and bought him one to try. I didn't know that my sincerity was mistaken for the other person's "ulterior motives". After staying up all night, She would also ask him if he was okay, would stop herself when she couldn't help but doubt him, wouldn't know how to refuse when faced with his guidance, wouldn't know what to do, and worry about whether she would hurt him if she refused. After finally knowing the truth, such "consideration of others" was a kind of backlash, and I felt that I was really stupid and ridiculous.

Or maybe this ridiculous innocence is because there seems to be a place in my heart that will never grow up. It is as soft as a bear doll and is full of fantasy. No matter how old I am, I will always be immature in the eyes of some people. of. I often think that it would be great if there could be a real paradise in this world, where I wouldn't have to "grow up". If that doesn't work, it's okay for a crowwoman to take me away.

But this is ultimately an imagination after mental exhaustion. I know very clearly that there will not be a barrier in the real world, enclosing an area with only "pure and harmless", and then allowing you to live in this area forever. Most of People must be thrown into this big world. There are really many people in this big world who will deliberately hurt others. Once they are hurt, they will suffer. But I really don’t want to lose the ability to trust people. I don’t want to take this incident as a “lesson” and be on guard against everyone from now on. “Trust” is a very precious part of me, and I want to protect it well. I thought about it again, maybe I haven’t lost it, right? When "I have doubts in my heart, but still choose to believe", I am actually giving my trust. But what makes me sad is that I feel that my ability is not as full as it used to be.